And she wrote a book...

If you have read more than four posts on this site you have figured out that I adore blogger Elizabeth Esther.
EE's posts stage with brilliant clarity the struggle of life outside after abuse inside a cult.
She is real time and transparent with her heart break and humor.
All that said: Best news ever! She wrote a book.
I am pre-ordering now...

Geez-Louise, Cult Peeps and Cult Pastor!?!?! Just Dance!

"Dance" by Lucre Diaze in flickr

*WARNING TO ALL MY READERS: I really let lose in this post...please take me and my words with a grain of salt*

I recently came across an online review of the cult church. The review was comparatively mild and explained angst that commenter felt after overhearing a church authority leader declare outsiders (non-church members) were not welcome in the church if immodestly dressed.

This was very mild criticism on the part of the commenter, believe you me. In my time people were shamed from the pulpit if they wore flared skirts. Flared skirts, people! Flared skirts that came BELOW THE KNEE. See example below.

"Flared" by krinn in Flickr

"soft blue sky" by lucidRose in flickr

And this long blue skirt on the right would get ya called down from the pulpit as well...too long. (I think it is gorgeous...have one just like it now :)

But I digress.The mildly critical review was vehemently denounced by (what can only be assumed) a member of the church. The rebuttal included references that the reviewer was going to an extremely heated place.

*Sigh*. Really, cult peeps? Can't you find something more motivating in life? Something more awesome than writing up foolish dress codes and condemning to hell those who disagree with you? There is sooooo much more to life!

You should be dancing EVERY. SINGLE. DAY.

NOT:
1. ….measuring skirt lengths. (Really?!?! Seriously?!? You can’t come up with a more godly activity?
2 .…telling peeps who they can and can't marry. (Once again…REALLY!?!?! SERIOUSLY!?!?!)
3. ….saying when they can go on vacation.
4. …when they can’t go on vacation.
5. ….deciding what profession they can pursue.
6 .….what books they can read.
7. …what books they can’t read.
8. ….crippling people with fear of EVERYTHING and EVERYONE on the outside of your church.
9. ….doing pretty much ANYTHING of the 85% percent of the nonsense that composes your day.
10. ….Is your life really that pathetic that you have to micromanage others? Or that you have to decimate the message of the grace of the cross? Geez Louise peeps! Really?!?! Seriously?!?!

*sigh #2*

BESIDES a strong desire to shake some sense into you I also wish I could hire a sky writer to put this where you could see it:
I DON'T HATE YOU!
I DON'T WISH YOU ANY HARM OR ILL WILL!
I JUST WISH YOU WOULD STOP HURTING PEOPLE!

Stop hating the fact that I spoke up against your twisted way of life! Your twisted words needed to be spoken against! In fact, the whole church just needs an intervention!

You are wasting your time making me a rallying point of hatred (Geez Louise #2!).

I have moved on with my life…and so should you. Stop using me to spread your fear, hatred and control to the remaining prisoners in your church.

I’ve moved on from angst-ing over you and the damage you wreaked on me.

Actually I have found healing to the point that I am thankful for the hard lessons learned from your selfish grasping:

I learned how to do a hard job and not expect to have monetary gain from it.
I learned how to stick to a thankless task without walking away.

I am a survivor. I am just sorry you were the one to force me to be a survivor.

I am ready to walk away from the proverbial altar. I no longer bear “aught” against you.

I just wish you would lay down your “aught” against me and walk away.

In moving on with my life I have found:
1. ....mascara does not make your eye balls fall out of your head.
2. …it’s okay to wear shorts and jeans. Your legs don’t fall off.
3. ….it’s okay to drink an alcoholic beverage on celebratory occasions. I heartily recommend Grasshoppers.
4. ….it’s okay to skip church once in a while…especially when you have been an addict to religion.
5. …it’s okay to go to theaters. Seriously, people. You watch the exact same movies in your home. I know. I’ve seen you.
6. …it’s okay to not spend every extra penny you own on unflattering skirts and dowdy shirts. Seriously. Read Vogue once in a while. And stop stealing people’s money to buy your blasé clothes. 7. …it’s okay to be friends with WORLDLY people (Geesh #1)
8 .…and because time and post space is getting away from me….it’s okay to: make your own choice in marriage, listen to “rock Christian music (gasp!), read the Bible instead of listening to the preacher, wear bathing suits, wear earrings, blush, and eye liner, listen to country music (including The Civil Wars…Yippee!), root for Roll Tide! vote democratic, read mystery novels, and wear pants, earrings, blush, eyeliner to church.

Seriously. My fingers, legs, ears and eyes are still intact and I have accomplished all but one of the above listed. And if John Huntsman doesn’t make the Republican ticket I will accomplish ALL the listed.

I really, really hope you are reading this article, cult member, and especially you, cult pastor.

Because I want to say one last time: I DON'T WISH YOU ANY ILL WILL. I FORGIVE YOU! I just wish for Geez- Louise- Gosh- Smarm its sakes that you would get some freedom and for God's sake DANCE!!!!!

I don't want to hear that you've hurt one more person and stripped them of their trust in human kind.

I want to hear things like you have let all the young people in church free to pursue their dreams.
That you have repaid those from whom you have stolen.

"red dress" by the heart truth in flickr

That you have asked forgiveness of those you have hurt.
I want to hear that you have bought a sleeveless red dress and worn it dancing.

"tango" by aka serge in flickr

Yes, dancing. Make it the tango. 

That you bought a bathing suit and worn it to the beach.

That you spread the word God isn’t as mean and hateful as you have made Him out to be all these years.

More importantly...I want to hear that you have sought counseling. Because you are very, very ill. Your illness is destroying those you supposedly "love". You see, if you truly love, you let go. Sounds cliched but it's true You don’t micromanage. You don’t manipulate, lie or steal. You get help because you are a deeply trouble narcissist.

*Snarkiness alert* (because I have been REALLY NICE up till now. Really.) That supposed leak that let word of the "runaway marriage" out? That leak came from someone very, very close to you. Very close. Turn around and they are probably standing right beside you.

Heh! Heh! Made you look didn’t I? Seriously though. The leak is in your “inner circle”. One of the “hearts of the true church”.

So do everyone a favor and let that poor little couple actually run away from you and your toxic environment. Stop guilt-ing them that the owe you. They don’t own you one samn thing.

All the snarkiness aside, I have to tell you that this month is Spiritual Abuse Awareness month. So be careful of any visitors to your church. They might be cult exit counselors in disguise (okay, okay the snarkiness wasn't totally out of my system. It is now...I promise :)

Here, my cult peeps and highly controlled, um, (I can't say "geeks" now I can I?!?! I got all my snarkiness out back a paragraph)...um... PEEPS! ...are some articles you should read (you REALLY NEED to read ALL these articles.

I have commented on a lot of them...you never know what I said in my comments so READ. EVERY. SINGLE. ARTICLE. (and all the comments)

Best advice I know to get out of your pastor worshipping, fellow- brother- hating slavery: here.

God commands you to be free.

Feel loved: Read how much Jesus loves you and count the ways (written by the most excellent word smith Eric Pazdziora) Visit Eric's blog on Spiritual Abuse here.

Surround yourself with grace: Read Hillary McFarland's grace- filled description of the cult family.

Lewis Wells will give it to you straight with the only advice he knows to give to members of high control group, whether it be a family or a church.

Elizabeth Esther writes an awesome blog about that desperately wicked heart that you, oh cult pastor dear, pounded away about prayer meeting after prayer meeting. According to Elizabeth that scripture is a great way for abusers to couch their manipulation.

Time gets away from me to tell you of the awesome articles written by Rachel Held Evans, Internet Monk, Ann Voskamp, and Serena Woods. I strongly urge you to read them.

As I noted above, I have commented ALL OVER these blogs. You need to read every single post to see what I might have written.

Cult member, after reading all these amazing exhortations toward personal autonomy and the freedom to have your own relationship with God...then so be it. Do whatever makes your boat float.

Cult pastor, why have people's pain on your conscience? Why not let them fly free? You don't need these poor people's adulation to justify your existence. God loves you and will forgive you for your trespasses. As He will forgive us all.

"The trick is to learn to dance in the rain" by daneete 5

So, geez, cult pastor and cult member...Why don't you just dance? I hope you finally do. Life is just way to short to waste your time spitting at the wind. It’s so much more fun to dance.

What I am reading....

photo by Bonnie Blue Art in flickr

...not Donald Miller...for the moment. I am rather (still) steamed at a recent blog that, in my humble opinion, is caricaturing females as morally loose, experiencing "slutty" periods and dependant on men to provide the meaning in her life. Commenter Sydney said it best:

Donald,
WHY is a woman made worthy by her sexuality and man by his character and godliness? This is such a tired and harmful characterization that is used repeatedly by male church leaders.
How can you say that men get to write women’s stories? Does a woman not have a story until she meets a man to write it for her?

 (For more on the story read Elizabeth Esther's post and Rachel Held Evans' awesome reply)

I wish Donald had had the good fortune to read Jane Austen's words in Persuasion before he penned that fateful post:

"...Well, Miss Elliot," (lowering his voice,) "as I was saying we shall never agree, I suppose, upon this point. No man and woman, would, probably. But let me observe that all histories are against you--all stories, prose and verse. If I had such a memory as Benwick, I could bring you fifty quotations in a moment on my side the argument, and I do not think I ever opened a book in my life which had not something to say upon woman's inconstancy. Songs and proverbs, all talk of woman's fickleness. But perhaps you will say, these were all written by men..."

If your going to gripe promiscuity, Don, both sexes can be slutty and fickle. Not just the girls.

Onto a more interesting topic, I am reading a gripping blog titled "Broken Daughters"
A quote from the post 1995:

photo by meg81382 in flickr

"...A woman greets him and by the voice I can tell it’s a nice old lady from our community. She sees me and say “Oh and Lisa is here too! Hello Lisa!” and she looks at me. I look down but she sees it anyway and says “Oh goodness, what happened to Lisa?”. Daddy smiles and says “She was a disobedient brat at the toy store and this is what she got from it.” He sounds really proud when he says it and he pets my head with his hand. The Lady just frowns at me and says “Well it looks really bad, you might have to see a doctor.” and Daddy says “No, she’ll be fine. If she’s repentant, she’ll heal up just fine without a doctor.” They talk a little bit more but not about me and then the Lady leaves..."

Lewis Wells of Commandments of Men blog fame has this insight on some recent *ahem* Bachmann developments:

...Bachmann was asked about being submissive to her husband during the FoxNews Republican candidate debate on August 11th. She's yet to directly answer that question. Anyone in her campaign with any political savvy knows that if she answers that question honestly and directly, she has NO chance to win the election. Hence, you get half-truths, deflections, and rabbit trails about "respect". The fact of the matter is, few of us feel that someone who can't even lead within her own home is qualified to be the Leader of the Free World. As you can see, the "submission" issue is already grinding the honesty and integrity (assuming some exists) right out of her...

And to lighten the mood a bit...a humorous quote by Demetri Martin:

"Whenever I'm on my computer, I don't type 'lol'. I type 'lqtm' - laugh quietly to myself. It's more honest."

I absolutely did NOT laugh quietly to myself while reading Caleb Wilde's post of "Awkward Ringtones at a Funeral":

"...My wife recorded herself yelling, “Mom! Mom! Let me out!” in her mother’s cell phone and then set that as her mom’s cell phone ringtone. Awkward in real life. Extra awkward at a funeral..."

And lastly but certainly not leastly...a song by the group The Civil Wars...not reading but listening.Over. And Over. And Again.

Enjoy.

My Two Cents of Good Reading for Easter

"escape reality" by ghostonstage in flickr

Demythologzing "Radical Christianty"
by Chaplain Mike @ Imonk

The Necessary Non-Hallmark Part of Easter
by Ann Voskamp @ Holy Experience

The Cross and the Crucifix
by EE @ Elizabeth Esther

Rethinking Fundamental Literalism
by Lewis Wells @ Commandments of Men

Clean
by Eric Pazdziora @ Words and Music by Eric Pazdziora

My Two Cents of Good Reading

by heavenly_angellourdes in photobucket 

"Christians are addicted to “answers.” For some reason, we think the ultimate favor we can do for the world is to explain the ways of God.


I humbly disagree."

~Chaplain Mike at Imonk~

"What is hindering your thinking? What preconceived ideas do you have that are keeping you from learning? What if someone revealed a truth in scripture that completely rocked your world? Could you be complacent and not even know it? Does he have to earn your respect before you even begin to approach the scriptures he teaches?"

~Serena Woods at Grace is for Sinners~

"The Crucifix is at once both jarring and profound. You are forced to acknowledge the brutality of crucifixion–it is not a pleasant, polite, docile image. It is shocking. It is almost…garish. It made me ask myself: why? Why the crucifixion? Why such a brutal, seemingly needless end to life?

The only power that overcomes the reality of suffering, injustice and evil in this world is love. Only love conquers death."

~Elizabeth Esther~

"In the hands of a sinner, God is a dangerous weapon."

~Hillary at Quivering Daughters~

Lake {Me} Superior

I am going to start this post by apologizing:This post is the apex of four thought processes train wrecking. Please excuse the messy thought and sentence structure as well as gratuitous allusions.

To start or rather to understand any of this rambling please watch the following clip. The section of 1:30-2:15 is relevant to my point:


The fact is I don’t live in Lake Male Superior. (Though a disturbing amount of men do- see here)

I live in Lake Me Superior (Just call me pond “J”)

Who came up with all the rules in Lake Me Superior? I did. I was influenced by parents, Bible reading and cult living (HA! You thought I was going to say good living didn’t you? Oh come on-just admit it :)

The point is: I made up my rules based on views handed to me by fallible parents and a skewed understanding of God)

Now no diving to conclusions. You might get hurt. I haven’t added a diving board to Lake Me.

There are moral absolutes. Ten of ‘em in Exodus. I haven't kept all of them all of the time-have you?

There AREN’T, however, me absolutes. Me absolutes used to say that all women who wore pants were sinning. Add a little makeup to that if you will you ungodly huzzy!

My absolute authority on this: A cult pastor. (Funny that it was okay though to steal people’s life savings. Just don’t wear pants and make up while you do it!)

My point: I am fallible. I do not make the rules. I am not (SNICKER!) a judgment stone. I list more toward the natural disaster zone.

Serena Woods describes it brilliantly:

People sit on their throne of judgement with their scepter of wisdom petting their bobble head lion of Judah and consider the shortcomings of others in order to determine their eternal position. The disease of the religious insider is the complacent familiarity with the profound evidence, turning the sovereign power of God (which should scare the skin off of us) into pathetic beliefs based on ‘vain imaginings, foolish reasoning, and stupid speculations.’ They would much rather serve a god who sits on their mantel, over seeing their living room lives with stoic approval. They don’t hear God speaking any more, their ‘minds have been darkened’, so they feel compelled to speak for Him.

I can quote because I am guilty. I have been a god with stoic approval for rule-abiders. As long as they wore skirts.

No more stoic allowed here and I am crushing my bobble-head doll.

The fact is that worshipping at the temple of my goodness (usefulness, godliness) is so much easier than working on my relationship with God

Relationships are hard. They are great one morning and boom the next morning it is a cat of a different color.

There is hurt, pain, and misunderstanding. And tomorrow there will just be more of the same.

Relationships require staying. If you stay through tomorrow's pain there might be next week's reconciliation.

Joy and laughter.

So here cometh the apex of my thought train wreck:

I realized I am not going to change the world with my blog. I am not even going to alert people to a destructive church in Dade City.

More often than not I find myself praying for the twisted person that abused my spirituality for her own gain. I pray she find peace.

I still struggle. I still have days of anger and nights of repenting for hatred.

But I pray. And breath. As Ann Voskamp said:

Just breathe.


And I think of it again, how it really is, the very name of God, YHWH, “is the sound of breathing.


The holiest name in the world, the Name of Creator, is the sound of your own breathing.”

I will breathe my prayers for healing and hope.

I am not going to read my google analytics and tie my self-worth to it. Thanks Jon!

This is all part of me walking away from the pain of the Cult Next Door (Experience not blog).

And totally unrelated topic :)...I heard in various places that Rob Bell is writing that the whole world is going to heaven and that Ann Voskamp has a book about what?!?! (See Elizabeth Esther's humorous explanation.)

Their influence has lead commenter KatR to hilarious determination:

I’m going to write a book where I claim that God lets non-Christians into heaven. And then has metaphorical sex with them. It’s going to be called “Love Wins A Thousand Gifts”. Please make sure that John Piper knows immediately, cause it’s all about the benjamins, baby.

SNICKER!!!! Thank you Elizabeth and KatR for putting things into perspective.

Might I humbly say that we should rejoice that a sister in Christ has allowed others to worship with her?
Or that a pastor is willing to explore John 3:16? Why does hell have to be the sell point?
 ^16-18"This is how much God loved the world: He gave his Son, his one and only Son. And this is why: so that no one need be destroyed; by believing in him, anyone can have a whole and lasting life. God didn't go to all the trouble of sending his Son merely to point an accusing finger, telling the world how bad it was. He came to help, to put the world right again. Anyone who trusts in him is acquitted; anyone who refuses to trust him has long since been under the death sentence without knowing it. And why? Because of that person's failure to believe in the one-of-a-kind Son of God when introduced to him. (John 3:16, The Message)

Ride on Rob Bell and Ann Voskamp.

Very respectfully: Maybe some other folks need to come out of Lake {ME} Superior?

I am putting my accusatory finger to rest and sing along with Anna Nalick:

/

Why not take a moment and share at Elizabeth Esther's Blog party?

Spiritual Abuse Awareness Month

Lisa Bertolini of Soul Liberty Faith has shared an inspirational post on Hillary McFarland's blog Quivering Daughters titled Behind Spiritual Abuse Awareness Month.

Listed below are posts I found inspirational as well as my own story.

Please take the opportunity to share your own story in the Mr. Linky widget.

I can't go to church anymore by Elizabeth Esther

Spiritual Abuse and the Gospel by Hillary McFarland

I Have a Sign: Answering Spiritual Abusers... by Eric Pazdziora

I See Dead People by Tales From the Crypt


The Manipulative Power of Peace by Lewis Wells

Just Be by Serena Woods

Pimps in the Pasture by The Secret Life of a Bishop's Wife

Works-Righteousness by Any Other Name... by imonk

My Story:
Can't You See That I Am Dying?

My Two Cents

This is my two cents worth of great reading:

Obedience To Whom?

Blogger Serena Woods answers a reader's question about church authority

Ravens Story-Conclusion

Not for the faint of heart...I have linked the last portion of the young lady's story. Teen Mania is a so-called ministry in Texas that, according to multiple accounts, terrorizes and abuses its members all in the name of God.

A Handy Guide To Being Annoying On Twitter

Just plain funny from Elizabeth Esther

The Danger Of Projecting An Identity
Donald Miller says:

" ...projecting a righteous identity teaches people they will be safe as long as they are righteous which is a lie."

Wow. Just Wow. I think that might be quote for the month.

My Two Cents on Good Reading (and Listening!)

I'm the chick with the broken heart by Elizabeth Esther

Sheep Story by Eric Pazdziora

8 Techniques For Thought Control by My Teen Mania Experience

Encouragement by Darcy's Heart Stirrings

Lamentations 3:19

Building an Altar by Lewis Wells

I See Dead People by Meg and Burnie

Michael W Smith sings about church abuse

Don't forget to share your two cents!

photos by davidfaboyd and magistar in photobucket

Saturday Evening Blog Post @ Elizabeth Esther's

Head over to EE's and join the blog party!

Good Reading On Lukewarm, Grace, Hazing, and The Desperately Wicked Heart

Articles and blogs definitely worth the perusal time.

How My Mother's Fanatical Views Tore Us Apart

by Rebecca Walker

Heartbreaking article detailing the emotional damage when a parent is fanatically dedicated to a movement

Grace With A Floppy Face

by Hillary McFarland

The overwhelming burden of perfectionism

The Myth of the Lukewarm Christian

by Eric Pazdziora

This post resonated deeply with me as the leader of the cult I was in ranted regularly on this topic...it was a "one-size-shame-for-all" sermon when she wasn't getting enough parishioner's money, time or adulation.

Don't Trust Your Desperately Wicked Heart and Other Fundamentalist Myths

by Elizabeth Esther

The title says it all...

Looking Back-Looking Forward

by Tales From the Crypt (Meg and Burnie)

Leaving a cult can feel like being mowed over by a semi-truck...

Spiritual Hazing: The Fraternity Tactics of Controlling Church Leaders

by the Cult Next Door

Re-read my post about the hazing-like tactics used by the cult leader of the Dade City church.

Blog Party at Elizabeth Esthers'

Elizabeth Esther is hosting her monthly Saturday Evening blog party. Come over and share a link!









photo by mclauren in photobucket

Picasso Would Understand My Slightly Sad Sundays

Sundays are slightly depressing to me. It gets to you when you hear fifty-two or so Sundays a year that nuclear nightmares are lurking just slightly around the corner and that the United Nations is days away from passing out free "Mark of the Beast" cards to the evilly loyal, cutting off the food supply from the rest of us more sanctified folks.

Sundays are my 'Picasso' days. Good sense is slightly out of focus, slightly distorted. I don't listen to the news, read the Bible (hold the 'Gasp!' factor down...I still read it the other days), or go to church. I'm just not quite that brave on Sundays. If the current President is washing the country down the world drain I beg you not to tell me on a Sunday.

Show Me Blood

by chrisb11101 in photobucket 

 Just finished reading an insightful guest post article on Quivering Daughter's titled
Abusing Abuse?. The article describes the attitude of many to "Buck up!" The mentality is to be grateful that you weren't physically scarred. Darcy, author of the post, has this to say:

Pain is pain. It hurts, it debilitates, it affects every area of our lives. Anyone who lives with chronic physical pain can tell you this. And those who struggle with spiritual pain know all too well. May I even suggest that wounded spirits have far more profound impacts on people's lives than wounded bodies?

Powerful stuff, that. Why should we carry around a pain meter to decide if an experience is deemed painful or scarring? Are religious circles really so blase about suffering that they must be shown blood to produce a merciful attitude?

A situation that I feel illustrates this "there's no blood- so there's no wound" mentality is illustrated on the blog My Teen Mania Experience
The blogger (along with others sharing their personal experiences) petitioned the board of directors to acknowledge wounds (many emotional though I read of several physical ones as well). The board responded with, in my opinion, a cold, dismissive letter. The main concern of collective board was that the problems discussed on the blog were already corrected and that the institution had "a bright future". Not one apology for the many, many scars people bear from their experience with the institution.

I was hoping for a story book ending in this case: board of directors saying that concerns were heard, apologizing for the trauma the institution inflicted-for isn't contrition a Christian virtue?

Apparently not. Since the folks sharing their pain on My Teen Mania Experience didn't show enough theoretical blood they were dismissed as a "dust storm".

I keep hope though. I even keep hope that my spiritual abuser will see her evil and repent for it. Abusive patterns aren't broken by chance. They are broken because some speaks up and says "Hey, that's wrong! Enough is enough!"

I love what Jon Acuff has to say about hope: (Read Jon's wonderful blog Stuff Christians Like - worth your time!)

But here’s the thing about hope, it takes time. And sometimes, I think our greatest frustrations are when we try to force hope into a stage it’s just not ready for...We had to learn to live with a past that refused to stay quiet. As I’ve often said before, unless you deal with it, the past turns into a collection of knives hidden around your house. If you haven’t forgiven each other, then all the sudden you’ll see a character on a television show do what you did and you’ll get stabbed. Someone will make an offhand joke at a dinner party and you’ll get stabbed by that memory. So for us, learning to live with the past was about removing knives.

We have to talk about our hurts- as Jon said, the past doesn't stay quiet. As Darcy stated people will say things about being grateful we weren't beaten, etc. And if you are anything like me, that is your ticket to a month long cruise in guilt land.

So why talk about it? Why blog about it? Well, for the folks over at the My Teen Mania blog because a bunch of leaders decided you weren't bloody enough and de-value you even more by calling you a dust storm. So, you talk about it. According to the comments on the blog, it helps. I know it has helped me.

When I first came out of the cult I posted endlessly for a year on Wanda Mason's Ex-GAC message board. I said often I just needed to feel validated, almost as if I had to ask if it was OK to feel the pain. Wanda would always encouragingly respond back, "You are validated. You are free to share your pain here."

Thanks again so much Wanda. You didn't need to see blood to know there was pain.
To Darcy, Hillary, Recovering Alunmi, Provender, Elizabeth Esther, and all you other awesome blogs out there: Thanks for sharing your pain so others feel free to share theirs. Thanks for not requiring blood.
photo by no_namer_29 in photobucket

Further Reading:
Silent Sorrow
In Black (Velvet)