Guest Post By Provender: Spiritual Abuse is Invisible Trauma

photo by JoscelynAllen in flickr

Recently, I added a quote by Ron Henzel to my Spiritual Abuse quote of the month on Provender, and it’s a good one. It speaks to the heart of the issue of spiritual abuse:

The manipulation involved in Spiritual Abuse is especially cruel because it takes advantage of a person's deepest needs and highest ideals.

After you’ve gone through a period of spiritual abuse, you are at first only interested in survival, and then recovery. It takes some time to look back and take stock of what happened. Even after you’ve done that, you don’t always appreciate the huge toll spiritual abuse takes on your psyche. You know you’re hurting. You know the hurt is magnified by memories of unjust incidents and painful words.

Still, I’m not sure how many victims realize that spiritual abuse reaches right into the depths of the spirit and hurts the most vulnerable parts of our being. We trusted. Our trust was seized and used against us. We loved. Our love was grabbed and twisted into servitude. We hoped. Our hope was dangled in front of us with promise after promise, not always spoken. Those promises were yanked farther away. We yearned to be nearer to God. Instead, we were led along a walkway to a human idol and told we were nearing God, as the burdens grew heavier and more unbearable.

I’ve been on sites where victims of spiritual abuse cry in pain. They don’t know if they will ever again trust. They no longer know for sure if God is real. They long for intimacy with Him but can’t find it. I’ve been on other pages where victims are cynical and even hostile toward believers and churches. The pain and bitterness ate through their souls and left an empty hole. Some start anti-Christian web sites and spew hate-filled words like weapons at the church.

None of this surprises me any more. What they endured was a searing hot poker at their most sensitive spiritual skin. Some do heal. They may have to deal with disfigurement and scar tissue, but they manage to get back to a place where they can open up to God again. For some, that takes years and years. Some seem to waver, going back and forth, believing and not believing. Hardly daring to believe.

Others go from one abusive situation into another. Some have been drawn to more than one other abusive situation after a first one. How any of those victims survive, I will never know.

The point I’m trying to make is for those freshly out of a spiritually abusive experience. If you haven’t been able to recover right away, don’t be bewildered about it. Don’t wonder why you can’t pray, or keep rehashing unpleasant experiences, or wake up fearful, or constantly worry about people in your old group. You’ve just been through something extremely high on the stress continuum. Spiritual abuse is like losing a spouse or being in a fire or discovering the betrayal of adultery. It’s like a fatal car accident, a child’s life-threatening injury, a diagnosis of cancer.

People don’t talk about spiritual abuse. There are some good books on the subject but they don’t hit the bestseller list. There are good sites out there on the topic, but often you have to dig for them. There are groups that help in recovery, but churches rarely talk about them.

Because spiritual abuse is something you aren’t exposed to much before it happens to you, it may seem like it’s not something big, that you should be better by now, that you are silly for being paranoid or frightened or angry or obsessed about what happened. But you’re not. You’ve been through something that scarred the most vulnerable part of you. It’s going to take some time.

So what can you do? Read about spiritual abuse to see how common it is. Talk about what happened to you and don’t let the Don’t Talk Rule silence you. It’s not sin to talk about it. In fact, it promotes healing to do that. Find others who have been through it and talk to them. If you don’t think you can pray, try praying again later, when the wounds are less raw. And remember to take care of yourself because you’ve been through a lot, even though no one around you can see it.

Click here to read Provender's guest post "Twisting Scripture".

Further Reading:
Weaning Myself From Religious Addiction

Vampire Pastors: When God Becomes An Impersonal Force Wielded by a Narcissist

Once again I am viewing my church experience through the conclusion that my ex-pastor was a narcissist.
As I stated in the previous post, I am not a professional health care provider and I am not diagnosing the ex-pastor. To my knowledge she has never been under the care of a mental health care provider who has professionally diagnosed her as a personality disorder.
My main objective in research, compiling and then writing my thoughts and conclusions is to convince myself by understanding of narcissism and by authority of Scripture that the judgments she passed on me (supposedly inspired by the Holy Spirit) and her interpretations of God’s Word are the products of a distressed mind and are no more validated than a hearing-impaired individual’s assumption that the world is silent.
Plainly stated: She is impaired in judgment and due to the nature of her disease, incapable of projecting sound judgment of God and His Word.

Whenever I hear anyone arguing for slavery, I feel a strong impulse to see it tried on him personally.

~Abraham Lincoln-

sense of entitlement and hyper-reactivity to criticism

Many of her sermons were comprised of twisted Scriptures designed to reinforce her perverted authority.

She often quoted the scripture in Psalms of “Touch not my anointed” when a parishioner disagreed or questioned her authority. (Read a former post by Provender on Scripture twisting)

There was, however, no ceiling to her authority.

A visiting minister once preached an eloquent message on what the fruit says about the tree, quoting Jesus’ parable of the fig tree.

She was livid and dedicated the next week of services on refuting his words and then announced that he had called her back in tears and repented for questioning her (I believe this was a lie).

She publicly and frequently challenged Rick Warren’s book “The Purpose Driven Life” saying it misdirected readers into a life full of self.

After leaving the cult, I read the book and realized why it posed such a threat to her: it directs people to seek God, not her, for the direction and purpose of their life.

She warned that the Promise Keepers was a dangerous movement and would evolve into a pseudo-Nazi organization.

And the list goes on: If a prominent minister dared direct people to seek God for themselves -she would say that phrase with great derision, adding that God shared His word through His mouthpiece-her.

Imagine thinking that in the millions of churches and Christian fellowships on this planet, God only chose to spoke through you.

If that isn’t delusions of grandeur, I don’t know what is.

She was also a rabid racist. According to her, mixed marriages were prohibited by God, most African-American males would turn into rapists given half a chance, and Muslims, well, I don’t have time and space to write of her hatred of that ethnic group.

She gloated when Katrina ravaged New Orleans saying God had shown Himself as He did when he annihilated Sodom and Gomorrah. She was absolutely emotionless over the massive loss of innocent lives.

She felt enough of a sense of entitlement to prohibit a couple from marrying for over sixteen years.

In another instance, she took money donated by a parent for the betterment of school to buy a new stove for her house.

People had to choose their house furnishing and color schemes according to her preferences. If they ‘rebelled’ she would belittle them in private when she talked with her ‘family members’.

She had phone wires tapped, stole from the elderly, and told people what career or job God wanted them to have.

In essence, she believed the Scripture of “not touching” referred solely to the fact that no one was allowed to touch her. God had meant that in the centuries of church history only she could not be ‘touched’.

So, yes, I do believe her sense of entitlement was well-founded. She was, however, in direct defiance of the Scripture that instructs leaders to be humble.

She had an incredibly manipulative and exploitative nature. She would play the wounded warrior often, saying God had reveled certain parishioner’s hatred of her, and that those who were loyal to her had urged her to save her health by moving where she would be treated right. After returning from a visit to another church she pronounced that she felt God’s leading to a place where people had “ears to hear God’s Word”. Unfortunately for those of us stuck under her dictatorship, she never mad good on that “leading”.

Displaying her sense of entitlement, she declared that God had revealed to her that He had allowed an ex-parishioner into heaven because, as the parishioner was dying, she had apologized for defying the pastor.

She encouraged people that had aging or ailing parents that there place was in church, with her, not caring for or seeing to the needs of their parents. She stated that “the world will care for their own”.

As mentioned in an earlier account, parishioners earned her income by cleaning five to seven buildings bi-weekly.

This was all done on a voluntary basis- the parishioners used their own cars and paid gas for a sixty mile round trip.

I did some rough figuring for a ball park sum of wages she should have paid these “volunteers”.

I came up with:

Paying minimum wage x 14 hours a week = $91.70 a person

An average of 10 people cleaned every week = $917

The buildings had to be cleaned every week- no holidays- so:

917 x 52= $47, 684 for a year’s worth of salaries

Most people had cleaned for twenty years so:

20 x 52= 1,040 weeks x 10 people= 10,400 x $47,684=

$495,913,600-salaries she should have paid to her volunteers over a period of twenty years.

If I saw her today, I would quote what Bishop Desmond Tutu said:

I am not interested in picking up crumbs of compassion thrown from the table of someone who considers himself my master. I want the full menu of rights.

There were times that she seemed to be a decent human being. She promoted sending cards to acquaintances and parishioners who were sick or going through difficult circumstances. The issue was that if you sent the cards without her knowledge.

I am not interested in her twisted sense of God. What she did to a churchful of people was use God as an impersonal force to fulfill her own perverted need for control.

I have hope that, recognizing the harm she inflicted on generations of parishioners, she could have an ‘Damascus road’ experience, as Paul did.

Eugene Peterson, in his preface for Galatians (Message, Re-Mix) states:

Through Jesus, Paul learned that God was not an impersonal force to be used to make people behave in certain prescribed ways, but a personal Savior who set us free to live a free life

.

You Are Here To Stay

The comments of the previous post discussed the scripture about 'turning the other cheek'.This is a scripture that abusive pastors often manipulated to keep parishioners under their toxic control.The Word of God, meant to set you more free from pain, fear, and doubt is twisted to enslave you to serve their selfish purposes.
"Touch not my anointed" was the scripture that my ex-pastor used over and over to solidify her hold on the hearts and minds of her enslaved congregation. She often used Ananias and Sapphira as a warning of the consequence of hiding information from her. This was an effective tool- who wanted to drop dead? Were scriptures used to enslave you in a toxic church?Share your comments this Sunday with Margaret W. Jones, Ph.D, author of Not of My Making by posting a comment below or e-mailing your thoughts to toxicsheepnomore@yahoo.com

Not Of My Making: Saturday Blogstop By Author Margaret W. Jones, Ph.D

As I stated in the previous post, reading Not of My Making: Bullying, Scapegoating and Misconduct in Churches encouraged and validated me in my journey out of spiritual abuse.
On completing the book I had several questions for Margaret. Read our Q&A below:

In the chapter Apologies, you describe a conversation between yourself and Rev. Karen in which she alternately accuses and then abruptly agrees with you about an article you sent to several people as well as about a conversation between yourself and a woman named Jessica.

I see in Rev. Karen shades of the toxic pastor of the cult I was in: always controlling the conversation between parishioners in a disagreement. The offended party was required to 'counsel' with her. She would then go and speak to the 'offensive' party alone. There was never a conciliatory meeting with everyone present. In that way she 'controlled' the disagreement for her own purposes: to keep tension and discontent seething in parishioner's relationships.

"Rev. Karen was in the middle, controlling and directing communication. We were never going to resolve things this way."

If someone finds themselves in a 'controlled' disagreement (where an authority leader is manipulating the circumstances to gain power by the situation), how should they try to proceed with reconciliation?

There is little you can do unless the person who has gone to the pastor is willing to speak to you directly. I tried to get people to meet with me but my efforts were thwarted probably by Rev. Karen. In my family of origin almost all communication between my older siblings and I went through my parents. We are not encouraged to communicate directly with each other. When my eldest sister and I realized this we decided we would begin calling each other directly. This decreased my parent’s power and improved my relationship with my sister. The key here, however, it was a mutual decision between my sister and me. As adults we also had sufficient power and freedom to take action. In the more closed, controlled environment of Immanuel there was nothing more I could do. I regret not walking away sooner.

In my experience and the accounts I have read of others' spiritual abuse, a sure sign of a toxic/abusive church environment is when 'bad behaviors' (i.e. gossiping, back-stabbing, demeaning words and actions) are encouraged by the church leaders. The 'bad behavior' subjected you to emotional and mental torture and eventually bullied you out of that church. If a parishioner finds himself the target of such behaviors, what advice would you offer?

Without the support of the church leadership there is very little you can do. It is analogous to bullying in schools. While there are things the victim can say and do to defend themselves more effectively than I did, without leadership support it is like trying to climb Mt. Everest without a base camp. The painful reality is that you most likely should leave and find a church that not only preaches the gospel but also strives to walk the talk.

If you choose to stay and try to resolve things, don’t go to church alone. Make sure you have an ally with you. Bullies are less likely to attack if they think you have a supporter. If people say things to you directly, that gives you a chance to defend yourself. Learn what to say. Own your beliefs, use humor if possible, ask questions of your attacker. On Bullies2Buddies.com there is a manual for kids that are being bullied. It is useful for adults too. Also on a CD he sells there is a track called Izzy’s Game. It is worth listening to. You can also try to speak directly to the person gossiping about you. Finally, read your church’s constitution and figure out what your rights are.

Many 'churched' people are uncomfortable when someone shares their tale of spiritual abuse. Do you think it might be that they feel it gives God "bad press"?

No, I think they are worried it gives their church and themselves bad press. It is also a case of what psychologists call cognitive dissonance. They have certain beliefs about being churched and here comes this person talking about how poorly they were treated. It doesn’t fit their beliefs about church so they reject the messenger. That way they don’t have to modify their behavior or beliefs. There is a good discussion of this in Bishop Geoffrey Robinson’s book, Confronting Power and Sex in the Catholic Church. In the chapter on spiritual healing, Bishop Robinson writes:

'Within a church community … The abuser will invariably be a person of power and will have a far stronger position in the community than the victim. This means that the abuser will be far more important to the meaning-making of the members of the community than the victim is. Making meaning of life is a long and arduous process and people do not like to see it upset. All too frequently their non-verbal, and even verbal, message to the victim will be, ‘We were content before you spoke out. You are a threat to our very system of meaning-making. Go away, leave this community and lest us go back to our former certainties.’

This really isn’t any different than what the victim goes through. The victim must reassess beliefs about the world, friendship, God etc. The difference is that the victim cannot resolve the dissonance by saying he or she lied because they know the truth of what happened to them. Bystanders can dismiss the victim as a liar or as someone who mentally deranged and unstable. A luxury the victim does not have.

I have benefited greatly from reading Not of My Making - I wholeheartedly recommend it.

Click on the title below to receive 35% off of Margaret's book:

Not of My Making: Bullying, Scapegoating and Misconduct in Churches

Post your questions or comments for Margaret at toxicsheepnomore@yahoo.com or below in the comment section.

"I Was Merely A Pawn"

Reading Not of My Making by Margaret W. Jones has been a liberating and affirming experience for me. As I devoured the book on my lunch hour, I would highlight the phrases and experiences that resonated most with my own struggle.

"I was merely a pawn in the drama"
Margaret was overwhelmed often with the thought that it was her fault the abusive situation existed- she must be broken and unwanted because the church relationships she was participating in were breaking and turning toxic.
However, after the emotional rubble cleared, she came to this understanding:

...the extremity of the attack made me realize it wasn't I who was at fault. Rather, all religious communities, regardless of denomination, at some point in their history have engaged in abusive behavior. I was merely a pawn in the drama.

It wasn't me that was broken- my spiritual abuser's actions show that she has chosen a twisted and dangerous path- I suffered from those actions at one time, but no longer does her venom touch me.
Her actions no longer control me. I choose to speak out, because as Margaret said:

The telling has given me some distance and clarity...By breaking the silence, I am triumphant.

chess image by Jcampbell_012 in photobucket

Not Of My Making: Saturday And Sunday Blogstop By Author Margaret W. Jones, Ph.D

Author Margret Jones will be stopping by The Cult Next Door this Saturday and Sunday to answer readers' questions and discuss her book, Not Of My Making:Bullying, Scapegoating and Misconduct in Churches.
Reading of Margaret's traumatic childhood ,painful experiences in religion, and her subsequent journey out of the toxic impact of others' behavior encouraged me in my own journey out of spiritual abuse.
Though we don't share similarities in the events of our spiritual abuse, I share many of Margaret's questions and reactions.
In the chapter, Descent Into White Space, Margaret describes her struggle to comprehend the fact that God, Omniscient and Omnipresent, was present when she was molested as a child. She says:

I didn't have any answer for where God was when children were being raped or abused. If evil was the work of the devil, why didn't God...stop him?

I have often turned this thought over and over in my mind. Why does God allow such incredible atrocities to happen? Especially when the perpetrators are "God's mouthpiece".
She goes on to ask:

How could God intervene without us losing our sense of self? Is evil the price we pay for free will?

God did honor us with the right to choose. He doesn't even shove salvation down our throats, unlike many evangelical Christians.
Max Lucado comments in his book He Chose The Nails that we cannot choose our families or our appearance- but God honored us with an incredible choice: where to choose eternity.
She comes to an astute understanding when she says:

Uncle Frank's sins left him more disconnected from God than I was.

I remembered that my spiritual abuser was to be pitied- how terrible it must be to be so separated from God by one's actions!
Leave your questions for Margret at toxicsheepnomore@yahoo.com. and visit Saturday and Sunday to see her replies.

Skulduggery:Pirates On The High Seas Of Religon Part 1

The high seas, tempest-tossed galleons, crossed swords: the mental picture I conjure when I hear the word skulduggery.
Pirates- this word evokes images of eighteenth and nineteenth century men (and sometimes women) festooned in gold and ragged pants hell bent on obtaining treasure.

Webster's Online dictionary defines skulduggery as:
1. Verbal misrepresentation intended to take advantage of you in some way
Dictionary.com says a pirate can be: 3.any plunderer, predator, etc.: confidence men, slumlords, and other pirates.
Erase the dreadlocked Johnny Depp image and see instead the toxic pastor, hell bent on maintaining his or her death grip on the spirituality of their flock.
On the blog What Really Matters, the author lists characteristics of a controlling leader:

The Controlling Leader
Here is a list of characteristics of a controlling leader:

*Preoccupied with his own needs being met, while the needs of his subordinates are ignored

*Preoccupied with looking good, labors to keep up appearances

*Seeks honorific titles and special privileges that elevates him above the group

*Promotes a class system with himself at the top

*Demands loyalty and honor

*Speaks often of his authority, constantly reminding everyone that he is in charge

*Stifles any criticism that puts him in a bad light

*Majors on minor issues and neglects the truly important ones

*Speech is vague and confusing when he is defending himself

*Feels the need to embellish the truth and make things appear more or less grand than they really are

*Speaks out boldly on wrong behavior, even when involved in that same behavior

*Believes people are extremely bad or wonderful, depending on the amount of support offered to him

*Motivated by greed

*Impressed with material goods and those who have them

*Fears sexual inadequacy

*Feels he is owed something

*Lives in a false world where he is convinced he is right

*Surrounds himself with people who are insecure and easily swayed

*Manipulates others using guilt, shame, and remorse

*Tries to come across confident in an attempt to cover up his insecurity

*Blames others for his own failures

*Is not involved in any accountable relationships and has no intimate relationships

*When in a bind he will ask for forgiveness and appear sincere in doing so

*Fears not measuring up or losing his image

*Needs professional help

Go to http://setfree0408.blogspot.com/2009/04/controlling-leader.html to read more

Charles Swindoll has this to say about these grace-killing, controlling pirate pastors:

They kill freedom, spontaneity, and creativity; they kill joy as well as productivity. They kill with their words and their pens and their looks...their bullying tactics continue unchecked...This day-this very moment-millions who should be free, productive individuals are living in shame, fear and intimidation. The tragedy is they think it is the way they should be. They never know the truth that could set them free. They are victimized, existing as if they are living on death row.

These poor cult members have been locked so long in the bilge of the leader's preoccupation with self-satisfaction that they have forgotten the pure air of true spiritual freedom, grace.

Grace Notes: The Grace To Decide

There is a fine line between responsible leadership and dogmatic control. All risks notwithstanding, people need to be informed and then released to come to their own convictions. Why must a minister constantly issue public edicts and decrees? Seems awfully popelike to me. Have we wandered that far from grace?

-Charles Swindoll-
Grace Awakening
rain image by Find Stuff2 in photobucket
http://www.amazon.com/Grace-Awakening-Believing-Thing-Another/dp/0849918057