The Road goes ever on and on
Down from the door where it began.
Now far ahead the Road has gone,
And I must follow, if I can,
Pursuing it with eager feet,
Until it joins some larger way
Where many paths and errands meet.
And whither then? I cannot say.
Still round the corner there may wait
A new road or a secret gate,
And though I oft have passed them by,
A day will come at last when I
Shall take the hidden paths that run
West of the Moon, East of the Sun.
~J.R.R. Tolkien~
My heart has been in Brisbane, and with all those we left behind when we came out of BCF. It is also still with those family we cut off for reasons of our own safety and emotional health. What does this say of me? It says that the love I crave has been tainted love, not genuine love. In fact, human beings don’t know what love actually is until God shows us. For if God is not just the perfect lover, but IS love itself, then anything that we humans come into contact with from each other which does not first originate from God is not really love . It is something else entirely. This is a difficult concept to get your head around. We like to think that humans can love each other just as well without God thank you. Mothers love their children, men and women love each other, lay down their lives for those they love, keeping them close, protecting them, giving them everything they need. But if we compare this to the love of God, it falls short consistently.
In dramatic or traumatic events, human love and sacrifice comes to the fore. We do indeed put our own lives at risk in order to save others, sometimes not even those we know, sometimes complete strangers. This indeed looks very much like Godly love. It is, for an instant, the personification of Godly love. But none of us can hope to replicate this for a lifetime. To suffer loss daily, for the sake of those you love is not possible for human beings, nor do I believe that God asks us to do this where our own lives have become degraded or imprisoned as a result. Only he is capable of this type of love, and it is therefore the reason that he alone is worthy of what the bible calls our first love. His love is pure holy and self-sacrificing, and only his love can sustain us. We can show a much lesser form of this love to each other, and a diluted version of it as it comes through our flesh. Only the love which is given freely, which both enhances the life of the giver, and the life of those loved, can be representational of God himself.
God’s life and being is never diminished by his longsuffering on behalf of the human race. He is not in bondage, or imprisoned, nor is his essence lessened by pouring out his love upon us, as we constantly turn away from him, give ourselves to others who are less worthy, worship things, and become spiritual harlots.
God does not for example, expect a woman to stay with a husband who beats her or her children, emotionally abuses her, is an adulterer, treats her with anything other than Godly self-sacrificing love. This is NOT love. A woman may believe she loves her husband, but a woman in this situation is NOT able to determine her own emotional state, as her perceptions are affected by the abuse. She believes she should stay with a man who abuses her because she loves him, yet, even God tells us to turn away from ungodly ones, to not even eat with them. So, it is evident that true LOVE, as opposed to true human love, which we must call something else to avoid confusion, is not one which benefits only one party. God’s love does not diminish his person; it is instead the perfect reflection of who he is.
It is therefore important for us to know what genuine love is. The true definition of love is nothing to do with emotions or even actions, since human emotions and actions are always less than perfect. The ONLY illustration of perfect love that we have is Jesus; and he in turn is the personification of God.
It is important then, to rearrange our understanding of real love. If my heart is still with those who have abused me, who care nothing for me, who have ignored my needs and diminished me as a person, and who continue to do so even after I have brought all this to their attention, then my heart is at fault. If I still find comfort in my memories, in the nostalgia of remembering what I thought was love, then I am seeking after something which is not God. Like David, I need to ask God to create a clean heart in me, or to put it another way, to help me to understand what real love is, and to renew my heart so that I can receive and perceive it.
Much love,
Bernie and Meg
Authors of Tales from the Crypt)
photo by sheriffdave in photobucket
This June will mark my third year out of a cult. My journey has been packed with searching, blogging, and discovering that there are so many people on this journey with me!
"It does not do to dwell on dreams and forget to live, remember that Harry."For me, I’ve had my nose pressed against the glass of imaging my friend out of darkness, flourishing in freedom from fear. It has motivated me to pray and think of her often.
Shari Howerton is the author of Breaking the Chains:Overcoming the Spiritual Abuse of a False Gospel. She graciously stopped by The Cult Next Door for a blog interview.Thank you.
"My husband has told me he cannot imagine anyone, let alone a Christian, believing the things I was taught. Although it is a foreign concept to him and others I have talked to, it was my life for forty-three years...Despite my desire to live for God all those years, I was a prisoner of my chains. I needed deliverance as much as any sinner in the gutter. I knew nothing of the freedom Christ had died to provide for me. ."
Finding the Gospel and the cross, my freedom in Christ, grace -- these aspects of Christianity served as my enlightenment. It was a long process, not one event. Over the course of my life in the church, I saw many inconsistencies. We had all the same problems and all the same sin as any other group. The only difference seemed to be in behavior you could fake. What I mean is that the things that set us "apart" from other Christians were outward. You can appear holy in a setting like that and have no real change happening in your heart. Many people led double lives. Yet we professed a different standard of holiness and a "higher calling." It just didn't add up for me. It seemed like we only talked about perfection; I didn't see anybody actually being perfected. I always had questions in my heart and mind. I remember wondering how we could possibly be who we thought we were. At the same time, I was reluctant to go too far in my questioning.
I had been told all my life that I couldn't find God or be in God's will outside "the Body." I was also told I could never go anywhere and find truer friends or people who loved me like those people. I bought into all of that. However, prior to leaving, I would have told you I wasn't a prisoner and I wasn't trapped there. I could leave any time I wanted to. I finally did decide to leave because I wasn't growing spiritually in that environment. Yet I was experiencing God and the potential to grow spiritually much more in other settings, which was not something I would have ever expected. That gave me the courage to search for God outside those walls and I felt like He was nudging me to leave. I couldn’t be sure I was doing the right thing and I had a lot of conditioning to overcome. I feared displeasing God, but I prayed and asked Him many times to simply show me if I had been wrong to leave and I would go back.
Only after I did leave did I become aware of the level to which I had been controlled and conditioned by fear. I would occasionally have anxiety about whether or not God was mad at me for leaving "the Body," even though He so abundantly blessed my life in every way after I left. I would wonder "what if they're right?" and "what if they are the true church?" and "what if I've left the true church and now I'm deceived?" The perfection teaching haunted me most, and I had trouble believing that I would really go to heaven because of what Jesus did rather than by earning eternal life (through my own good works/perfection/righteousness). I wanted to believe the Gospel, but it seemed too good to be true. I had been told that Christians who believed their salvation was accomplished through the cross were just looking for an "easy way." I wondered if I was just taking the "easy way." I didn’t consciously want to do that. There was a lot of struggle involved. Through that struggle, I became more and more aware of my chains. I recognized the spiritual prison I had been in as a result of experiencing freedom. The more I embraced the truth, the more I realized the bondage from which I had been set free. My spiritual theme song is "Remember Your Chains" by Steven Curtis Chapman; "Remember the prison that once held you before the love of God broke through."
"I did not know what it meant to be in Christ. I only knew what it meant to be in church."
I wanted to be loved and accepted. I wanted to please. I wanted to be approved of. I did not want to be viewed as someone who was rebellious, unwilling to submit to authority, in a bad spirit. I didn't want to be viewed as worldly or backslidden. It had so much to do with peer acceptance and fitting in. You were viewed differently (judged) if you were openly non-compliant - even in small things. At the same time, plenty of people did not follow the "rules" if they were out of town or knew they would not be running into other church people. I recognized this lack of spiritual integrity long before leaving.
Before I left, I began to realize how self-focused my motivation was even for doing right. It wasn't about God. I didn't really believe that some of our rules were important to God. I complied in order to have the love, acceptance and approval of my social group, which made it about me and the response I wanted (or wanted to avoid) from other people. God showed me the self-absorption of people pleasing. Seeing the wrong priorities that were cultivated in me helped me to leave. It wasn't so much that I was afraid of my pastor (what he could do to me). However, I feared his disapproval and the disapproval of others. I did not want to disappoint him or other people in my church. Many cast people who went against the pastor in a negative light.
However, I cannot honestly say I ever followed every rule.
What I remember is the fear of joining myself to the beast and being deceived. I don't remember statements about being damned (other than the Scripture about believing a lie and being damned). I do remember many warnings about being outside the Body, outside the covering, rejecting the truth I had been so privileged to receive. I remember one prominent minister saying publicly that it would be better for someone to be lost in the world than lost in the Baptist Church. So I got the very strong message that the only thing MORE displeasing to God than turning my back on HIM would be turning my back on THE CHURCH and that particular group of people.
When our pastor told us that he believed God had told him to relocate to the Nashville area, he said that we were all supposed to remain with him (move across the country). That was what GOD wanted. Someone asked him what he would think if we prayed and didn't feel like God was telling US to move. His response was that he would fear for our soul (if we thought God told us that). I remember rejecting that idea. I did not believe that my very soul depended upon being in one specific man's congregation. However, my whole life revolved around the church and the people in the church. The thought of remaining in California without my family and friends was just unfathomable to me. This gives a man, or leader, a lot of control over your life and your choices.
I think these leaders have a lot of control based on two things: 1) the teaching that they alone have the truth – truth that the rest of Christianity is lacking – holds people who are afraid that might be true. I was afraid it was true. "If I left, where would I go? Nobody else has the truth. Perhaps in leaving I would be displeasing God and not treasuring 'these precious truths' He has privileged me to know." The other component is the way we built our whole lives into the church. Everyone, for the most part, married within the group. So everyone, over time, winds up related in some way to others in the church. Most of their family is in the group. Many do business primarily within the group. Social relationships are formed and cultivated primarily within the group. If people do think about leaving, they have to uproot their entire life, as they know it, and start over. To say a person has to be willing to leave their comfort zone is about the most monumental understatement that could be made. Not to mention, if one considers the possibility of this group not having the truth as they had believed, they must then confront the possibility that they have based their whole lives on a lie. Many people simply cannot do that - or are unwilling even to consider it.
I remember telling God that I didn't care if everything I had ever believed was a lie and I had to start over from scratch. I just wanted the truth. If I lost all my friends and had to start over, I knew He would give me new friends. It wasn't easy. I can't begin to tell you how many times I cried, missing certain close friends from my earlier life. To this day, it hurts to know how some now view me. They cannot see my heart. To them, I have become a bitter, angry, venomous person. They don't understand why I could not remain silent and go my way, leaving them alone. Some have called me a betrayer of lifelong friends. That will never be an easy thing for me to accept and come to terms with. I still wrestle with it. I still have a desire for those friends to know my heart. Nevertheless, part of breaking my chains is finding an acceptance of what God has ordained for my life. I believe He has asked me to give up those friendships. As much as it hurts to let go, I have had to let go.
“…when spirituality is used to make others live up to a ‘spiritual standard’…without regard to an individual’s actual well being…the person…is sent the message that [their] spirituality [is] defective.
This is an interesting point and I’m glad you asked this question. It brings back something very specific. Charlie Daniels wrote my foreword and he stated that I had been persecuted. I felt a bit of discomfort with that word because so many people use it lightly. I asked my editor his opinion. I explained that although I have endured criticism, harsh judgments and even some rejection, I didn’t feel “persecuted.” Anything I have suffered is so miniscule in comparison to what Jesus suffered for my redemption. It doesn’t seem to reach the level of what I would define as persecution. My editor disagreed. He responded that, most importantly, those are Charlie’s words, not mine. I do not have to be completely comfortable with his word choice because it is his opinion he’s giving in the foreword. However, my editor also pointed out that persecution takes many forms. I can’t find the email in order to quote him, but I thought what he said was profound. He took the time to explain to me that I was under persecution before I ever left CGT because of the doctrine of perfection. He said that many forms of persecution would at least drive you to the cross and to the Savior. However, the doctrine of perfection did not. It caused me to persecute myself because I knew I could not be perfect. It robbed me of my hope in Christ.
I did know others would felt despair that they could never be good enough. Several who have also left have shared with me the hopelessness they felt under that teaching. But many others have shared with me that they simply did not think about perfection at all. I find that hard to understand or relate to because I remember thinking about it and feeling the weight of my inadequacy at a very young age. My son has told me recently, as an adult, that he remembers thinking about killing himself (while in elementary school) because he didn’t think he could ever be perfect. I had no idea he was thinking so deeply about perfection at that young age. However, I understood the heaviness he felt because I remember feeling it and asking God why I had to be born in “the true church” and know “the truth” that I wasn’t going to heaven. I was only in fifth or sixth grade when I was feeling the weightiness of this “truth.”
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| photo by JoscelynAllen in flickr |
sense of entitlement and hyper-reactivity to criticism
Many of her sermons were comprised of twisted Scriptures designed to reinforce her perverted authority.
She often quoted the scripture in Psalms of “Touch not my anointed” when a parishioner disagreed or questioned her authority. (Read a former post by Provender on Scripture twisting)
There was, however, no ceiling to her authority.
A visiting minister once preached an eloquent message on what the fruit says about the tree, quoting Jesus’ parable of the fig tree.
She was livid and dedicated the next week of services on refuting his words and then announced that he had called her back in tears and repented for questioning her (I believe this was a lie).
She publicly and frequently challenged Rick Warren’s book “The Purpose Driven Life” saying it misdirected readers into a life full of self.
After leaving the cult, I read the book and realized why it posed such a threat to her: it directs people to seek God, not her, for the direction and purpose of their life.
She warned that the Promise Keepers was a dangerous movement and would evolve into a pseudo-Nazi organization.
And the list goes on: If a prominent minister dared direct people to seek God for themselves -she would say that phrase with great derision, adding that God shared His word through His mouthpiece-her.
Imagine thinking that in the millions of churches and Christian fellowships on this planet, God only chose to spoke through you.
If that isn’t delusions of grandeur, I don’t know what is.
She was also a rabid racist. According to her, mixed marriages were prohibited by God, most African-American males would turn into rapists given half a chance, and Muslims, well, I don’t have time and space to write of her hatred of that ethnic group.
She gloated when Katrina ravaged
She felt enough of a sense of entitlement to prohibit a couple from marrying for over sixteen years.
In another instance, she took money donated by a parent for the betterment of school to buy a new stove for her house.
People had to choose their house furnishing and color schemes according to her preferences. If they ‘rebelled’ she would belittle them in private when she talked with her ‘family members’.
She had phone wires tapped, stole from the elderly, and told people what career or job God wanted them to have.
In essence, she believed the Scripture of “not touching” referred solely to the fact that no one was allowed to touch her. God had meant that in the centuries of church history only she could not be ‘touched’.
So, yes, I do believe her sense of entitlement was well-founded. She was, however, in direct defiance of the Scripture that instructs leaders to be humble.
She had an incredibly manipulative and exploitative nature. She would play the wounded warrior often, saying God had reveled certain parishioner’s hatred of her, and that those who were loyal to her had urged her to save her health by moving where she would be treated right. After returning from a visit to another church she pronounced that she felt God’s leading to a place where people had “ears to hear God’s Word”. Unfortunately for those of us stuck under her dictatorship, she never mad good on that “leading”.
Displaying her sense of entitlement, she declared that God had revealed to her that He had allowed an ex-parishioner into heaven because, as the parishioner was dying, she had apologized for defying the pastor.
She encouraged people that had aging or ailing parents that there place was in church, with her, not caring for or seeing to the needs of their parents. She stated that “the world will care for their own”.
As mentioned in an earlier account, parishioners earned her income by cleaning five to seven buildings bi-weekly.
This was all done on a voluntary basis- the parishioners used their own cars and paid gas for a sixty mile round trip.
I did some rough figuring for a ball park sum of wages she should have paid these “volunteers”.
I came up with:
Paying minimum wage x 14 hours a week = $91.70 a person
An average of 10 people cleaned every week = $917
The buildings had to be cleaned every week- no holidays- so:
917 x 52= $47, 684 for a year’s worth of salaries
Most people had cleaned for twenty years so:
20 x 52= 1,040 weeks x 10 people= 10,400 x $47,684=
$495,913,600-salaries she should have paid to her volunteers over a period of twenty years.
If I saw her today, I would quote what Bishop Desmond Tutu said:
I am not interested in picking up crumbs of compassion thrown from the table of someone who considers himself my master. I want the full menu of rights.
There were times that she seemed to be a decent human being. She promoted sending cards to acquaintances and parishioners who were sick or going through difficult circumstances. The issue was that if you sent the cards without her knowledge.
I am not interested in her twisted sense of God. What she did to a churchful of people was use God as an impersonal force to fulfill her own perverted need for control.
I have hope that, recognizing the harm she inflicted on generations of parishioners, she could have an ‘
Eugene Peterson, in his preface for Galatians (Message, Re-Mix) states:
Through Jesus, Paul learned that God was not an impersonal force to be used to make people behave in certain prescribed ways, but a personal Savior who set us free to live a free life
"When men and women get their hands on religion, one of the first things they often do is turn it into an instrument for controlling others, either putting or keeping them “in their place”. The history of such religious manipulation and coercion is long and tedious…Paul of Tarsus was doing his diligent best to add yet another chapter to this dreary history when he was converted by Jesus to something radically and entirely different- a free life in God.
Through Jesus, Paul learned that God was not an impersonal force to be used to make people behave in certain prescribed ways, but a personal Savior who set us free to live a free life.
God did not coerce us from without, but set us free from within."
-Eugene Peterson-
Preface to Galatians [The Message Re-Mix]
I am not a professional mental health care provider. This post should in no way be used as a means to decide if an individual in your life is a narcissist. The purpose of this post is to relate my experience of a pastor who I believe to be is narcissist. If you feel you are in an abusive relationship with a narcissist, you should contact your local support line for abused individuals.A Narcissist (notice the capital N) has no sense of self. If not reflected by others, he feels annulled, dead, void. It is a harrowing experience (I went through it once). It is like being separated to molecules and suspended in mid air...[They have]hyper-dependence on the views of others, sense of entitlement, a manipulative and exploitative nature, sadism, emotional absence, grandiosity -- incommensurate with real achievements, hyper-reactivity to criticism, delusions of reference...Narcissists are shrewd, shifty, manipulative and mental health professionals are easily deceived and fall prey to the narcissist's False Self (roughly the image that he projects).
...narcissists have no or very little personality -- they have only or mostly their reflection. That's why they need others, dependent on them for their very self-definition.
My book says that narcissists are easily identifiable and that, once identified, can be easily manipulated. The need to manipulate them arises out of their propensity to destroy everything and everyone around them. To manipulate a narcissist is to survive. It is a survival tactic of the victims of narcissists.
Accommodate them, flatter them, adore them, admire them or get out of their way -- and fast. They are vindictive. They are aggressive. They are emotionless. In short: they can be dangerous to your health.
I have heard some people say that they can and do love narcissists. I, personally, find it unhealthy (see my FAQ 66 co-authored with Alice Ratzlaff). It is a variant of co-dependence with more than a tinge of masochism.
To live with a narcissist is to endure torturous uncertainty, unpredictability, capriciousness, cruelty -- sprinkled with technicolor displays of "magnanimity," "largesse," and "brilliance".
The narcissist -- forced to obtain his supply of emotional drug is also forced to cater to SOME of the needs of his sources of supply. But he does so only grudgingly and reverts immediately to his former, degrading, abusive, behavior.
That passage is used a couple times in scripture, first in I Chronicles 16 and second in Psalms 105 (which is an echo of I Chronicles). It’s clear in both passages that the phrase “the Lord’s anointed” refers to all God’s people, not just leaders. In fact, the very passage talks of God reproving leaders who do harm to His people. In context:
That passage alone ought to turn on its head the idea that God has some special protection in mind for abusive pastors. Instead, the protection is for all His people, and if abusive leaders hurt them, they can expect to be reproved by the Lord.
What abusive pastors are really trying to cite is the passage in I Sam. 24: 5-7 where David refuses to kill King Saul when it’s in his power to do so because Saul is the Lord’s anointed king. Abusive pastors equate themselves with a king, which alone should be very telling. And with King Saul, too, whom the spirit of God has left. Also, very telling. Nevertheless, they try to draw a parallel. Saul did bad things, but submissive David recognized him as the Lord’s anointed and refused to kill him. I would say that, yes, we should not kill abusive pastors. I agree with the scriptural interpretation up to that point. But David did not put himself under Saul’s power, did he? He did not say, “Saul, God chose you, so whatever you want me to do, I’ll do.” No. He continued to keep his distance even though Saul wanted him to submit and be killed. He continued to point out Saul’s faults toward him publicly. Nowhere in scripture does it say that leaders are to be free from criticism or that they can never be held accountable for what they do.2. What scripture would you use to set parameters to a pastor's authority?
Revelation 1:6 makes it clear that all believers, and not just pastors, “are made kings and priests.” And we are to submit one to another, not just to those in authority. (I Peter 5:5, Eph. 5:21) If your pastor isn’t submitting to anyone, but requiring you to submit to him or her, there is a problem. We all have to give up our naturally self-seeking desires on occasion, putting others first, not just some of us. Be careful of those who exploit your willingness to put others first.
The entire chapter of Ezekiel 34 sets out what a good pastor should do and what bad pastors do instead. It’s a must-read for anyone in an abusive situation. What the passage says good pastors should do:
• Feed sheep
• Help the sick and injured
• Bind up the broken
• Bring back those who were driven away
• Seek the lost (these are the lost who were already part of the flock)
• Keep sheep from becoming prey to devouring beasts
This is what the passage says bad pastors do:
• Feed themselves instead of the sheep (narcissism or greed)
• Kill best, fattest sheep and eat the fat (arrogance and self-focus) Traditionally, the fat belonged to God. They are taking God’s possession for themselves.
• Use the sheep to clothe selves (exploitation)
• Ignore the sick and wounded (Image consciousness)
• Don’t seek, care about those they’ve driven away (blaming others)
• Rule over sheep with harshness and force (lording it over flock)
• Allow sheep to wander and get devoured by beasts (impure motive)
• Don’t care when sheep scatter or get eaten (elitism: we’re good, they’re not)
• Provide dirty food and water (twisting scriptures)
• Push the needy and sick away (manipulation)
No question about it. The important thing for abusive pastors is to keep questions and scrutiny away. By putting church members on the defensive through scripture manipulation like this, they do two things: They keep the focus off their own unjust acts and onto the acts of the believers in their group. And they also shame church members into silence so they won’t compare notes and see that the problem is larger than just a problem with one individual.
1 Peter 5:3 is advice from Peter to pastors: Don’t lord it over the flock, but be examples.
John mentions Diotrephes who “loves to have the preeminence” and who would not receive Paul. These are traits of an abusive pastor.
Paul says in I Tim 4 that “some shall fall away from the faith, giving heed to seducing spirits and doctrines of demons, through the hypocrisy of men that speak lies, branded in their own conscience as with a hot iron; forbidding to marry, and commanding to abstain from meats, which God created to be received with thanksgiving by them that believe and know the truth.”
These are pastor’s commands: don’t marry, don’t eat this, don’t eat that. It’s a power trip. And the result of spiritual abuse is clear: some fall away through these leaders and their lies.
As Harold Bussell points out in his excellent article, Checks on Power and Authority in the New Testament, when Paul confronted the great apostle Peter about his hypocritical double standard concerning Gentiles, Paul didn’t say, “I cannot question those in authority over me.” Bussell takes many, many incidents in the New Testament where authority is questioned and confronted and shows the absurdity of taking the spiritually abusive line toward them. Bussell’s article is another must read.
First, I wouldn’t do much talking to abusive pastors. It’s often not worth the agony and the time. The scripture says “Mark those who cause division and avoid them.” Romans 16:17 In my mind, no one causes division in the church more than abusive pastors. When you finally realize that abusive patterns are happening in the church, instead of agonizing about all the steps of Matthew 18 or trying to reason with the unreasonable, your best course is often to leave. No scripture says that the local church you are currently in is THE church. No scripture says you must stay in any particular church.
But if you feel you must try to reason with a manipulator, you can point out any of the passages listed in Bussell’s article and see what the response is. Don’t expect contrition though, or any change at all. With abusive pastors, scripture is only a means to an end, and the end is control. It’s not about Christ, it’s not about scripture; it’s about controlling you. Any scripture the pastor gives back to you, you can be assured, will make you look like the bad guy and the pastor look like Moses or Paul.
As far as obeying those who have the rule over you. Good idea to get along with spiritual mentors. There are churches where laymen attack pastors for no good reason or are always throwing roadblocks in the way. You can have jerks who are church members as well as jerks who are leaders. It’s a good idea to cooperate with good church leaders and to work for peaceful relations in church. That’s a whole different matter from submitting to manipulative, dangerous leadership. You can sharpen your discernment skills by keeping close to scripture on your own, checking what is preached against what the word actually says, like the Bereans did, and keeping your eyes and ears open.
I wish I knew the answer to this question. Right now there is about one man left in our former church who was there when we were. This very humble man I am sure is confused and distraught. I have often thought about this. If I were to share scripture with this man, since I’m one of the excommunicated, would he even listen?
After all, in an elitist church (and abusive churches are notoriously elitist, feeling they are the super spiritual while other churches and believers are tainted by the ways of the world) how ca
n you listen to someone outside with any confidence they have answers? They are the sinful, weak ones. They can’t help you.
Still, I often think about this. How can I get through to him?
I would first have to convince him that there is a problem with the church. That wouldn’t be too hard since so many have left or been kicked out. He’s already disturbed and unhappy. But then I would have to convince him that it’s worthwhile listening to me, and that might pose a problem.
If he did, though, I think I’d lead him to Ezekiel 34, because one thing is certain: Abusive pastors do not convincingly seek after the sheep they’ve driven away. They are hirelings. If any passage would make that clear, it’s this one.
I think my best bet is to pray for him, and if I get a chance share Ezekiel 34 and maybe some information on spiritual abuse. I’m open to suggestions on this too. Perhaps some reader has had success getting through to those still trapped. If so, I’d like to know
how it’s done.
The saying "time heals all things" is just not true. If you have an infected finger, the last thing you want to do is give it more time..Our hearts, minds, and souls are exactly like that. When someone has hurt us-or we've allowed someone to hurt us-we need to drain the wound before we're going to get any relief. If we'll open it up and clean it out and put in a little medicine, it will get better. Just like cleaning out a wound, it hurts for a little while... [but] it's worth it.
The statement, "Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted," is true at so many levels. We do not need to walk around with toxins inside of us, either physically or emotionally.
As I stated in the previous post, reading Not of My Making: Bullying, Scapegoating and Misconduct in Churches encouraged and validated me in my journey out of spiritual abuse."Rev. Karen was in the middle, controlling and directing communication. We were never going to resolve things this way."
There is little you can do unless the person who has gone to the pastor is willing to speak to you directly. I tried to get people to meet with me but my efforts were thwarted probably by Rev. Karen. In my family of origin almost all communication between my older siblings and I went through my parents. We are not encouraged to communicate directly with each other. When my eldest sister and I realized this we decided we would begin calling each other directly. This decreased my parent’s power and improved my relationship with my sister. The key here, however, it was a mutual decision between my sister and me. As adults we also had sufficient power and freedom to take action. In the more closed, controlled environment of Immanuel there was nothing more I could do. I regret not walking away sooner.
Without the support of the church leadership there is very little you can do. It is analogous to bullying in schools. While there are things the victim can say and do to defend themselves more effectively than I did, without leadership support it is like trying to climb Mt. Everest without a base camp. The painful reality is that you most likely should leave and find a church that not only preaches the gospel but also strives to walk the talk.
If you choose to stay and try to resolve things, don’t go to church alone. Make sure you have an ally with you. Bullies are less likely to attack if they think you have a supporter. If people say things to you directly, that gives you a chance to defend yourself. Learn what to say. Own your beliefs, use humor if possible, ask questions of your attacker. On Bullies2Buddies.com there is a manual for kids that are being bullied. It is useful for adults too. Also on a CD he sells there is a track called Izzy’s Game. It is worth listening to. You can also try to speak directly to the person gossiping about you. Finally, read your church’s constitution and figure out what your rights are.
No, I think they are worried it gives their church and themselves bad press. It is also a case of what psychologists call cognitive dissonance. They have certain beliefs about being churched and here comes this person talking about how poorly they were treated. It doesn’t fit their beliefs about church so they reject the messenger. That way they don’t have to modify their behavior or beliefs. There is a good discussion of this in Bishop Geoffrey Robinson’s book, Confronting Power and Sex in the Catholic Church. In the chapter on spiritual healing, Bishop Robinson writes:
'Within a church community … The abuser will invariably be a person of power and will have a far stronger position in the community than the victim. This means that the abuser will be far more important to the meaning-making of the members of the community than the victim is. Making meaning of life is a long and arduous process and people do not like to see it upset. All too frequently their non-verbal, and even verbal, message to the victim will be, ‘We were content before you spoke out. You are a threat to our very system of meaning-making. Go away, leave this community and lest us go back to our former certainties.’
This really isn’t any different than what the victim goes through. The victim must reassess beliefs about the world, friendship, God etc. The difference is that the victim cannot resolve the dissonance by saying he or she lied because they know the truth of what happened to them. Bystanders can dismiss the victim as a liar or as someone who mentally deranged and unstable. A luxury the victim does not have.
I have benefited greatly from reading Not of My Making - I wholeheartedly recommend it.
Reading Not of My Making by Margaret W. Jones has been a liberating and affirming experience for me. As I devoured the book on my lunch hour, I would highlight the phrases and experiences that resonated most with my own struggle....the extremity of the attack made me realize it wasn't I who was at fault. Rather, all religious communities, regardless of denomination, at some point in their history have engaged in abusive behavior. I was merely a pawn in the drama.
chess image by Jcampbell_012 in photobucketThe telling has given me some distance and clarity...By breaking the silence, I am triumphant.
Author Margret Jones will be stopping by The Cult Next Door this Saturday and Sunday to answer readers' questions and discuss her book, Not Of My Making:Bullying, Scapegoating and Misconduct in Churches. I didn't have any answer for where God was when children were being raped or abused. If evil was the work of the devil, why didn't God...stop him?
How could God intervene without us losing our sense of self? Is evil the price we pay for free will?
Uncle Frank's sins left him more disconnected from God than I was.
The high seas, tempest-tossed galleons, crossed swords: the mental picture I conjure when I hear the word skulduggery.The Controlling Leader
Here is a list of characteristics of a controlling leader:
*Preoccupied with his own needs being met, while the needs of his subordinates are ignored
*Preoccupied with looking good, labors to keep up appearances
*Seeks honorific titles and special privileges that elevates him above the group
*Promotes a class system with himself at the top
*Demands loyalty and honor
*Speaks often of his authority, constantly reminding everyone that he is in charge
*Stifles any criticism that puts him in a bad light
*Majors on minor issues and neglects the truly important ones
*Speech is vague and confusing when he is defending himself
*Feels the need to embellish the truth and make things appear more or less grand than they really are
*Speaks out boldly on wrong behavior, even when involved in that same behavior
*Believes people are extremely bad or wonderful, depending on the amount of support offered to him
*Motivated by greed
*Impressed with material goods and those who have them
*Fears sexual inadequacy
*Feels he is owed something
*Lives in a false world where he is convinced he is right
*Surrounds himself with people who are insecure and easily swayed
*Manipulates others using guilt, shame, and remorse
*Tries to come across confident in an attempt to cover up his insecurity
*Blames others for his own failures
*Is not involved in any accountable relationships and has no intimate relationships
*When in a bind he will ask for forgiveness and appear sincere in doing so
*Fears not measuring up or losing his image
*Needs professional helpGo to http://setfree0408.blogspot.com/2009/04/controlling-leader.html to read more
They kill freedom, spontaneity, and creativity; they kill joy as well as productivity. They kill with their words and their pens and their looks...their bullying tactics continue unchecked...This day-this very moment-millions who should be free, productive individuals are living in shame, fear and intimidation. The tragedy is they think it is the way they should be. They never know the truth that could set them free. They are victimized, existing as if they are living on death row.
The human heart cries out to be free. Everything within us fights against the bondage of tyranny of oppression. Our souls were not made to live in cages of fear that restrict us from the joys of liberty. Once we get a taste of such relief, our appetite for more becomes consuming...true for God's people who have existed too long in the suffocating grip of legalistic demands and expectations.
"Quick! I am sane now. If only I could get out of this enchanted chair, it would last. But every night they bind me, and so every night my chance is gone. But you are not enemies. I am not your prisoner. Quick! Cut these cords."
In the post "Good Friday Quote", I quoted from Brock and Bodie Thoene's bookGrieve like Mary at the grave for all you cannot understand.
Give up to God the hopes your love has begotten.
Mourn at the tomb of what you've lost.
Then give up to God what you cannot change.
Remember there will be Easter morning.
Resurrection.
Hope in that alone.
Bear your scars with joy.
It's a dangerous business, going out your door. You step onto the road, and if you don't keep your feet, there's no telling where you might be swept off to.
I've stepped on the road of freedom and there is no knowing what wonderful adventures I will have.
So, I feel I've buried the enslaved, fearful Dobby part of myself in the quiet grave by the sea and thrown the ring of memories in the fires of Mt. Doom.
Because I am me, I have a few last words for the person who, for many years, held such a place of absolute control over my mind:
To My Former Pastor:
Did you know the apostle Paul was once the same as you?
He was a spiritual abuser- the ultimate kind: If one didn't believe as he thought one should or practice one's faith according to his rules, he had that person killed.
Chuck Swindoll, in his book The Grace Awakening , called him a grace killer.
There is an incredible twist to Paul's story- he didn't remain a grace killer and a spiritual abuser. He had a grace awakening.
He went on to vehemently fight against the effects of grace killers:
O you dear idiots of Galatia, who saw Jesus crucified so plainly, who has been casting a spell over you? I shall ask you a simple question...Surely you can't be so idiotic as to think that a man begins his spiritual life in the Spirit and then completes it by reverting to outward observances?
There are times when God sends thunder to stir us. There are times when God send blessings to lure us. But there are times when God sends nothing but silence as He honors us with the freedom to choose where we spend eternity.
Grace...brings a freedom to enjoy the privileges of being out from under slavery and allowing other such freedom...It is a freedom to become all that He meant me to be, regardless of how He leads others... I can be me...and freedom is then released to others so they can be who they are meant to be-different from me!
"Promise me that you'll give faith a fighting chance,
