"Mean"

This song is a great response to abuse. We will most likely never know why our abusers are so twisted but we are free of their abuse and it's true...all they'll ever be is mean.

Don Miller had some insightful words Thursday about hurt, pain and the forgiveness process:

... Go through the stages of grief. Let the offense shock you, then let it completely hurt you. Don’t avoid the pain. Sit with it and feel it no matter how unbearable it is. Please know it will end in time. It will get 2% easier every day. Just feel it like a toothache and soon enough it will transition into something bearable.

Then let the offense make you angry. Don’t lash our or you’ll be guilty yourself. Talk about it with trusted friends but confess you’re angry and your emotions aren’t under control. And don’t feel bad for being angry. The last thing you need is anger and shame. Just punch a pillow and make it through. The anger, like the pain, will lessen over time...
Happy Memorial Day my friends!

Foolish Parade

As I noted in a previous post a friend from the cult escaped by eloping with her boyfriend.

About two weeks later word came that she and her new husband "went back". It was disheartening to say the least.

Now for the rest of the post you have to imagine the "What the...." bubbles (as Lewis at Commandments of Men so adroitly phrased it) above the heads of non-cult members...

illustration by zappa blamma in flickr

On the Sunday after the sad news came (Mother's Day no less) a family member of mine arrived home to find the whole kit and caboodle of remaining cult members parading the "re-claimed" couple outside their(my relative's) house.

I am sure it was labeled as 'Proclaiming God's Victory to the Wicked' and 'Marching to Show God's Strength'...
I, however, prefer Big Bang's theoretical physicist Sheldon Cooper's explanation:



Tsk, tsk, my dear cult pastor, it just ain't kosher to treat humans as "positional goods"...even if you are full of poofy-haired villainy.

A dear friend (also an ex-member of said cult) e-mailed me this letter in response to the ridiculous parade:

Hi!!!!I heard about "THE PARADE OF IDIOTS" in front of your [relatives] house...
My response was "WHAT? YOU HAVE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME!"


I have heard [girl's relative] is saying, "THERE IS A LEAK [in the cult] AND HE IS GOING TO FIND IT"...how funny! "Buddy, It's right under your nose. Your "DNA" is the same."

Regarding the "Parade":Only a very low class of people would stoop that low. Too bad they left before the town officials arrived.I'm so glad they are aware of what type of idiots they really are..."THE COMPOUND" is a big joke with all of them and that the leader is just a "mentally challenged old woman" [think Dick Solomon from Third Rock From the Sun mixed with Gaddafi...transform them/it into a woman and... voila! My ex-cult pastor extraordinaire].


I just want you to know that [another dear friend] and I are very proud of you for just trying to help someone that has been classified as having suicidal tendencies. Isn't "LIFE BETTER THAN DEATH"...If you threaten someone to action did you REALLY WIN???? 


PEOPLE, PEOPLE, YOU NEED TO GET A LIFE.


We have heard all that has been said about all of us and WE JUST LAUGH. See, we know the REAL STORY!!! The REAL TRUTH!!!

They do NOT scare us with their little parades.


Actually most people on the street thought that the Jehovah's Witnesses had mounted an assault on San Angela Drive and closed their blinds and locked their doors. TOO FUNNY!!!!


WE ALL JUST SIT BACK AND SMILE.


I give you my permission to post this to anyone and everyone, AJ

I am still laughing about the Jehovah's Witnesses' mounted assault...HOOO!

Suggested reading:

Life Happens While You Are Doing Something Else

by Don Miller
...yeah like mounting foolish parades of positional goods....

Lake {Me} Superior

I am going to start this post by apologizing:This post is the apex of four thought processes train wrecking. Please excuse the messy thought and sentence structure as well as gratuitous allusions.

To start or rather to understand any of this rambling please watch the following clip. The section of 1:30-2:15 is relevant to my point:


The fact is I don’t live in Lake Male Superior. (Though a disturbing amount of men do- see here)

I live in Lake Me Superior (Just call me pond “J”)

Who came up with all the rules in Lake Me Superior? I did. I was influenced by parents, Bible reading and cult living (HA! You thought I was going to say good living didn’t you? Oh come on-just admit it :)

The point is: I made up my rules based on views handed to me by fallible parents and a skewed understanding of God)

Now no diving to conclusions. You might get hurt. I haven’t added a diving board to Lake Me.

There are moral absolutes. Ten of ‘em in Exodus. I haven't kept all of them all of the time-have you?

There AREN’T, however, me absolutes. Me absolutes used to say that all women who wore pants were sinning. Add a little makeup to that if you will you ungodly huzzy!

My absolute authority on this: A cult pastor. (Funny that it was okay though to steal people’s life savings. Just don’t wear pants and make up while you do it!)

My point: I am fallible. I do not make the rules. I am not (SNICKER!) a judgment stone. I list more toward the natural disaster zone.

Serena Woods describes it brilliantly:

People sit on their throne of judgement with their scepter of wisdom petting their bobble head lion of Judah and consider the shortcomings of others in order to determine their eternal position. The disease of the religious insider is the complacent familiarity with the profound evidence, turning the sovereign power of God (which should scare the skin off of us) into pathetic beliefs based on ‘vain imaginings, foolish reasoning, and stupid speculations.’ They would much rather serve a god who sits on their mantel, over seeing their living room lives with stoic approval. They don’t hear God speaking any more, their ‘minds have been darkened’, so they feel compelled to speak for Him.

I can quote because I am guilty. I have been a god with stoic approval for rule-abiders. As long as they wore skirts.

No more stoic allowed here and I am crushing my bobble-head doll.

The fact is that worshipping at the temple of my goodness (usefulness, godliness) is so much easier than working on my relationship with God

Relationships are hard. They are great one morning and boom the next morning it is a cat of a different color.

There is hurt, pain, and misunderstanding. And tomorrow there will just be more of the same.

Relationships require staying. If you stay through tomorrow's pain there might be next week's reconciliation.

Joy and laughter.

So here cometh the apex of my thought train wreck:

I realized I am not going to change the world with my blog. I am not even going to alert people to a destructive church in Dade City.

More often than not I find myself praying for the twisted person that abused my spirituality for her own gain. I pray she find peace.

I still struggle. I still have days of anger and nights of repenting for hatred.

But I pray. And breath. As Ann Voskamp said:

Just breathe.


And I think of it again, how it really is, the very name of God, YHWH, “is the sound of breathing.


The holiest name in the world, the Name of Creator, is the sound of your own breathing.”

I will breathe my prayers for healing and hope.

I am not going to read my google analytics and tie my self-worth to it. Thanks Jon!

This is all part of me walking away from the pain of the Cult Next Door (Experience not blog).

And totally unrelated topic :)...I heard in various places that Rob Bell is writing that the whole world is going to heaven and that Ann Voskamp has a book about what?!?! (See Elizabeth Esther's humorous explanation.)

Their influence has lead commenter KatR to hilarious determination:

I’m going to write a book where I claim that God lets non-Christians into heaven. And then has metaphorical sex with them. It’s going to be called “Love Wins A Thousand Gifts”. Please make sure that John Piper knows immediately, cause it’s all about the benjamins, baby.

SNICKER!!!! Thank you Elizabeth and KatR for putting things into perspective.

Might I humbly say that we should rejoice that a sister in Christ has allowed others to worship with her?
Or that a pastor is willing to explore John 3:16? Why does hell have to be the sell point?
 ^16-18"This is how much God loved the world: He gave his Son, his one and only Son. And this is why: so that no one need be destroyed; by believing in him, anyone can have a whole and lasting life. God didn't go to all the trouble of sending his Son merely to point an accusing finger, telling the world how bad it was. He came to help, to put the world right again. Anyone who trusts in him is acquitted; anyone who refuses to trust him has long since been under the death sentence without knowing it. And why? Because of that person's failure to believe in the one-of-a-kind Son of God when introduced to him. (John 3:16, The Message)

Ride on Rob Bell and Ann Voskamp.

Very respectfully: Maybe some other folks need to come out of Lake {ME} Superior?

I am putting my accusatory finger to rest and sing along with Anna Nalick:

/

Why not take a moment and share at Elizabeth Esther's Blog party?

Ezekiel 34

photo by anoldhippie in photobucket

 ^1-6 God's Message came to me: "Son of man, prophesy against the shepherd-leaders of Israel. Yes, prophesy! Tell those shepherds, 'God, the Master, says: Doom to you shepherds of Israel, feeding your own mouths! Aren't shepherds supposed to feed sheep? You drink the milk, you make clothes from the wool, you roast the lambs, but you don't feed the sheep. You don't build up the weak ones, don't heal the sick, don't doctor the injured, don't go after the strays, don't look for the lost. You bully and badger them. And now they're scattered every which way because there was no shepherd—scattered and easy pickings for wolves and coyotes. Scattered—my sheep!—exposed and vulnerable across mountains and hills. My sheep scattered all over the world, and no one out looking for them!
 ^7-9 "'Therefore, shepherds, listen to the Message of God: As sure as I am the living God—Decree of God, the Master—because my sheep have been turned into mere prey, into easy meals for wolves because you shepherds ignored them and only fed yourselves, listen to what God has to say:
 ¹⁰ "'Watch out! I'm coming down on the shepherds and taking my sheep back. They're fired as shepherds of my sheep. No more shepherds who just feed themselves! I'll rescue my sheep from their greed. They're not going to feed off my sheep any longer!
 ^11-16 "'God, the Master, says: From now on, I myself am the shepherd. I'm going looking for them. As shepherds go after their flocks when they get scattered, I'm going after my sheep. I'll rescue them from all the places they've been scattered to in the storms. I'll bring them back from foreign peoples, gather them from foreign countries, and bring them back to their home country. I'll feed them on the mountains of Israel, along the streams, among their own people. I'll lead them into lush pasture so they can roam the mountain pastures of Israel, graze at leisure, feed in the rich pastures on the mountains of Israel. And I myself will be the shepherd of my sheep. I myself will make sure they get plenty of rest. I'll go after the lost, I'll collect the strays, I'll doctor the injured, I'll build up the weak ones and oversee the strong ones so they're not exploited.
 ^17-19 "'And as for you, my dear flock, I'm stepping in and judging between one sheep and another, between rams and goats. Aren't you satisfied to feed in good pasture without taking over the whole place? Can't you be satisfied to drink from the clear stream without muddying the water with your feet? Why do the rest of my sheep have to make do with grass that's trampled down and water that's been muddied?
 ^20-22 "'Therefore, God, the Master, says: I myself am stepping in and making things right between the plump sheep and the skinny sheep. Because you forced your way with shoulder and rump and butted at all the weaker animals with your horns till you scattered them all over the hills, I'll come in and save my dear flock, no longer let them be pushed around. I'll step in and set things right between one sheep and another.
 ^23-24 "'I'll appoint one shepherd over them all: my servant David. He'll feed them. He'll be their shepherd. And I, God, will be their God. My servant David will be their prince. I, God, have spoken.
 ^25-27 "'I'll make a covenant of peace with them. I'll banish fierce animals from the country so the sheep can live safely in the wilderness and sleep in the forest. I'll make them and everything around my hill a blessing. I'll send down plenty of rain in season—showers of blessing! The trees in the orchards will bear fruit, the ground will produce, they'll feel content and safe on their land, and they'll realize that I am God when I break them out of their slavery and rescue them from their slave masters.
 ^28-29 "'No longer will they be exploited by outsiders and ravaged by fierce beasts. They'll live safe and sound, fearless and free. I'll give them rich gardens, lavish in vegetables—no more living half-starved, no longer taunted by outsiders. (Ezekiel 34, The Message)

Happiness is a Journey

This account is from a dear family member who also attended the abusive church:

I must say, this is a very difficult situation for me because I still have family that I love dearly, still in this compound. My mother and sister are still held captive there by a force that they can not even see for themselves. They will read this and will be very upset with me, and I am sure that they will make sure it gets back to me that they are not by any means being held captive or feel they have to stay, but the truth is, I have been there and I know that there are times they feel insecure about the environment in which they exist, we all did at some point and time, but because of the deep-set mind control, you ignore those feelings and continue your mere existence in the world that has been “created” for you. So, mom and sis, I do this because I love you!

Halloween Post One: When You Want To Free the House Elves

When I escaped the emotional, mental, and physical slavery of a fundamental cult I spent the first year bouncing from exhilaration of unconstrained freedom to the depths of burning anger against the perpetrator of abuse and those that watched helplessly as she bullied with glee.

Talking with other ex-cult members helped put these wildly varying emotions into perspective. Talking with counselors affirmed that being verbal about the torrent of emotions was healthy and very necessary.

Methodically I rid myself of clothes, music, perfume- anything that defined the world in which I had existed.
This exercise (or exorcise?) proved enjoyable. Shredding the letters which were shoved under the door that read “What have I done? Why did you leave?” (click here and decided how long you would stay) Smashing perfume bottles (she wanted every woman in the church to smell like her) – that bit of fun did have a high price- we couldn’t walk in the back yard for days without getting a whiff of her.

And then I remembered. I had left behind a dear friend who must be as desperate for freedom as I had been.

When several family members had ‘defected’ a few years back (her term for those who refuse her dictatorial rule- and if she caught you communicating with defectors she would chastise you verbally for hours) one tried to reach me by leaving gifts and kind notes on the doorstep. While I didn’t respond by resuming communication, the knowledge that someone cared was a comfort.

“Ah!” I thought, “I will leave a trail of kindness that she will follow out of the madness.”

So I wrote a kind note and left it and a box of snacks on her porch.
This earned no response.
“Ah!” went the brilliant brain, “I have gotten my message of continued good will across.”

A month and a half went by and I left another gift and note. “More kindness crumbs that show the way out.”

And then! The bolt of lightening fell. One day she drove up to my house, jumped out of the car, curtly handed me a letter and left.
Essentially, the letter told me I was going to hell and keep my witchy self to myself.

Did I learn from this episode? Oh, no. I had to try once more- after all, she’s held against her will, right?

Wrong. The last card, which included a list of traits of a manipulator/narcissist, resulted in this old friend, with which I experienced decades of friendship, beating on the door and yelling for someone to come out to speak with her.

It was obvious that she didn’t plan to gush with thanksgiving at having the prison she was in pointed out to her, so the door was not opened.

And so I have come to realize that she is so controlled by a narcissist pastor that she would indeed drink the Kool-Aid if ordered to do so.
This fact troubles me greatly. Will Dade City be witness to another Jonestown? How insane has this abusive pastor become? Will she eventually demand the ultimate sacrifice to prove her follower’s loyalty?

I see in this experience a parallel to the house elves of J.K. Rowling’s creation.
Hermione Granger sees the house elves’ squelched existence, their lack of autonomy, and sets up an organization to free these pitiful slaves of the magical world.
Do the house elves respond eagerly to this movement?

No. They run away from Hermione and her ‘evil’ ideas, preferring to cling to the old ways of enslavement, proudly bearing the bondage of their masters. Simply put: The house elves enjoy their rotten lot.

So, I’ll learn from this house-elf experience. If you crave freedom, as Dobby did (see Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets for details), you’ll find a way to be free.

In Harry Potter and the Philosopher’s Stone,Harry discovers the Mirror of Erised, a magical mirror that lets the viewer see himself with what he most desires.

Harry, an orphan, sees himself surrounded by family. He returns night after night, to experience the wonderful feeling of being surrounded by family.
One night, Professor Dumbledore is waiting for him by the mirror.
He admonishes:

"It does not do to dwell on dreams and forget to live, remember that Harry."

For me, I’ve had my nose pressed against the glass of imaging my friend out of darkness, flourishing in freedom from fear. It has motivated me to pray and think of her often.
But I am seeing events as I want them to be, not as they truly are. She doesn’t want freedom; she may never refuse the abuse.

And I cannot live in dreams and forget to live.

I’ll still pray for her, but with acceptance, not resolve. I’ll think of her occasionally, with regret, not with frustrated determination.
She belongs to the mirror and I to the living.

Halloween Post Two: Some Days it is Just a Monster Mash

In an interview with Focus on the Family author Frank Peretti explained his motivation for writing about monsters. As a child he had a medical condition which turned his tongue an oozing black.

As children are often the cruelest beings on the planet, Peretti suffered through taunts of being a “monster”. Choosing the positive aspect of a bad situation, he decided to see monsters as “cool” and himself as special in being associated with them.

This post is in celebration of choosing the positive, and yes, even the humorous aspect of feeling like a freak.

After living in a fundamental cult for twenty plus years, I escaped into what I thought would be stress-free living. I survived hell on earth- now it was time to lay back and relax, right?

That might be right for some. And if you are part of that some, congratulations- you have the good life.

For me and many that I have spoken with, coming out of the cult is the easy part. Living outside of the cult is the true challenge.

For many, the challenge proves too great and they return to the cult, though it be harsh and unforgiving, at least they understand how it functions.

I grew up inside the cult, attended the cult’s school, and after graduation was told that I needed to volunteer my time in return for the all the cult had given me.

When I escaped, and left behind the twisted, haunted laboratory of mind control I discovered that, surprise! I had stunted social skills, an amputated sense of self, and a macabre understanding of what my future would be.

Like Frankenstein, I raged (mentally, at least) at the perverted mind that amputated my sense of self and hijacked my devotion to God to serve her evil empire.

I stomped about for a year, howling with anger at whoever I could. I hated parties; they reminded me of a “get-together” at her house. These often included being yelled at in her bedroom (if you were lucky) and in front of everyone (if you weren’t).

I hated searching for a job. How do you explain away a decade plus that you gave away? How you never finished college because you were too tired to think after forty hours of volunteering, five nights a week of church, and twelve plus hours a week of cleaning on her cleaning crew?

Honestly, I felt like a Picasso painting walking into a job interview that said, “This is me. My nose is on my chin and my eyes are in my forehead. I don’t know how to make decisions, I think my worth is below minimum wage, and I will never speak up for myself. So, please hire me (if it’s not too inconvenient) I know I’m a freak, just let me scuttle around in the background quietly.”

Here lies the dividing line. Some well meaning but utterly clueless soul might say that I should believe that God was ‘working a good work’ in my life and in the middle of it all and I should praise my way into joy at this knowledge.

This is foolish thinking. God did not and never will plan abuse to ‘work His good work in you’. What is at work here is the fact that humanity has free will and a pastor chose to use her position of leadership to satiate her need for control. She placed herself as a god and will, unless she has the good sense to repent, one day stand in judgment for deeds.

What I do know is that God gives ‘beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning’.

And so for the Frank Peretti moment of deciding to embrace the experience (not the abuse), acknowledge where I am because of it, and take stock of skills I learned in the proverbial fire.

As for where I am:
I spent years wishing to know the joys of marriage, for as Luther said there is nothing more comforting than a marriage.
I met and married a wonderful man a year after leaving the cult. Our paths would not have crossed if I had lived a different life.

What I have learned:
I am resilient, having lived under extreme stress and oppression.
I have empathy for others who have experienced abuse or slavery.

The skills I have acquired:
Endurance in the workplace and a willingness to go the extra mile.

One ex-cult member showed beautiful perspective in dressing up as the pastor for Halloween. Their motivation was she was the scariest character they could think of.

It was a perfect statement. She is scary, she is monstrous, but it is she that is the monster, not me.

I think I will make my statement one Halloween by making a scarecrow that resembles her and hang a sign that reads “This would scare anything”.

Am I making light of the abuse or the fact that a pastor is in dire moral straits?

No. I am doing what many people do with Halloween: Put on a monster mask, confront what you fear, celebrate it for a day and then, move on.

Till next year. Maybe I’ll dress up as the witch she always accused me of being. After all, I know the hat fits and I’ll wear it.

On the other hand, is she brave enough to wear her hat?


read another excellent post on this subject by Provender

Grace Notes:The Grace To Let Go

...[An] attitude worth changing...is the tendency to control others. I find this especially prevalent among those who find their security in religious rigidity.
They get their way by manipulating and intimidating. They use fear tactics, veiled threats, and oblique hints to get their way.
...Controllers win by intimidation. Whether physical or verbal,they bully their way as they attempt to manipulate us into doing their will.

-Charles Swindoll-
Grace Awakening
butterfly image by cake036 in photobucket

Defeat the Piper's Call

A random whimsy of thought on the Pied Piper of Hamelin married into the subject of spiritual abuse in the strange consciousness I call my brain space.
According to the wikipedia article several variations exist to explain this 1284 town record entry:

"It is 10 years since our children left"

Apparently a stained glass window in the Hamelin church of a colorfully dressed piper with children in white around him gave credence to the Pied Piper tale of luring children away.
To discover more click the wiki link: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Pied_Piper_of_Hamelin

In my opinion, the Pied Piper is an allegory for the leaders in a cult/spiritually abusive church.
The church members follow his (in my case, her) words blindly, entranced, oblivious to the world around them. All that matters is to follow the seemingly golden tone of the piper.

When I left my cult of twenty-four years (my story is : http://outofthesilverchair.blogspot.com/2009/01/cant-you-see-that-im-dying.html)
I left behind friendships of the same amount of years. A particular friend that I worked with at the church's 'mission' for eleven years.

Through the adversity of functioning in a poorly managed work environment, this person and I had grown quite close. We could finish each other's thoughts, know what the other's opinion was on most subjects, and for the most part, work in perfect harmony for eight to sixteen hours a day.

Leaving the cult behind meant leaving all contact with this person behind as well (When one leaves the 'fellowship' behind, one is now part and parcel with Satan according to the 'pastor'). I foolishly thought that a kind note or two might lure said person out of the magnetic sway of the cult's 'pastor'.

I found out quickly that this was not the case. Said person came to my house and brusquely delivered this letter:

Dear [ my name],
A short reply to your note. [husband] and I want you and everyone to know that we are more thrilled with God and His family than we have ever been.
I boast in my God in His continued closeness and guidance through His Word. We have never had the presence of God on [ a Dade City Church] as we are experiencing Him present w/us in every way! The Word of God has never been so full of deliverance, hope, vision, and assurance that He is our God and we are His people. "Happy is the people whose God is their Lord".
Our fellowship is w/ the Father,the Son, and the Holy Ghost and His called out and chosen children. God chooses for us.
We do pray for you and trust that God's mercy be w/you.
Because of Calvary's Love,
[said person]
[husband]

To the untrained eye, the letter appears a simple expression of Christian sentiments.To an experienced Piper (cult) follower, however, alarming phrases pepper the verbiage. For the sake of brevity, I will call attention to just one:

"Our fellowship is w/ the Father, the Son, and the Holy Ghost and His called out and chosen children. God chooses for us."

This follower of a cult Pied Piper will not be dissuaded from their march to the river of the destruction of spiritual abuse. Attempts to brake them from the trance only result in a greater determination to follow the piper more vehemently because as they themselves declared:

Happy is the people whose [god] is their Lord

Sadly, I can but watch this poor battered sheep as theysacrifice their person hood. Words, tears, kindness- nothing will reach them. I stand, watching, armed with prayer. A solider half-way across the world in war-torn Iraq was instrumental in interrupting my mindless marching. I pray that some such person invades the trance of said letter writer. May God end the destructive march of the spiritually abusive Pied Pipers and let the children come home.

Happiness is a Journey

I am writing in response to the threats received to certain EX-members of a Dade City church compound facility. First and foremost, I would like to say, there must be truth in the “Letter” for the accused to know whose home to come running too and bang down the door while screaming threats and “trying” to intimidate, while two other “yes-men” from the compound stand nearby as witnesses, how pathetic! Oh, did I mention, I too am an escapee from a Dade City church! And this is my story.

I must say, this is a very difficult situation for me because I still have family that I love dearly, still in this compound. My mother and sister are still held captive there by a force that they can not even see for themselves. They will read this and will be very upset with me, and I am sure that they will make sure it gets back to me that they are not by any means being held captive or feel they have to stay, but the truth is, I have been there and I know that there are times they feel insecure about the environment in which they exist, we all did at some point and time, but because of the deep-set mind control, you ignore those feelings and continue your mere existence in the world that has been “created” for you. So, mom and sis, I do this because I love you!

I was one of the so called “fortunate” ones that got to actually live with the pastor. This was a very weird time for me, and thankfully I have been able to block most of these memories. I knew things that would make your hair stand on all ends, from evil plots to intimidate and destroy families and individuals, to stalking members at work, home or family vacations or one day trips, to embezzling monies from the tithes and offerings as well as family savings, to tapping phones lines, and the list goes on and on. I guess the most traumatic thing for me in leaving was my children, then 10 and 7, they were the reason I lived! And the “leader” knew it and she would use this against me. It was embedded in me that if I dare left the flock, my children would be lost and their souls would burn in hell for eternity. My kids were very close to their grandmother and aunts there, and I knew that if we left they would be cut off, sure enough, to this day, they still have nothing to do with them, yes they occasionally receive a birthday card, Christmas card, etc…or maybe a dinner night out once a year, but wait did I mention, that was only if they “the church” wanted to pump them for information about those of us that had left. I still struggle to believe that my mom truly realizes what she is doing and has missed some of the most important years of their lives; they are now 18 and 15.

I was the back up piano player for church since I was about 15 until a couple of years before we left, she FORCED me to play on a regular basic, all the while, criticizing me, that I was not following the lead of God, or wait, I think she meant “her lead”, whatever! I would go home at night and cry for hours because of the mental torture, throw up, and get myself back in check for the next service, just to go through it again and again and again! My kids were in 4th and 1st grade when we left. We tried to leave in good graces, wrote a letter to the “pastor” asking that our kids be allowed to remain there for just the remainder of that year and that we were not angry with anyone, but we felt that in order for us to grow spiritually, we needed a change. That weekend, two trustees from that place, showed up at our front door, with our kids personal belongings in a black garbage bag, and we were told “May God have mercy on your souls.” Needless to say, I was absolutely petrified leaving, my kids were sure to be struck by lightning and killed by nightfall. Going from school to school, trying to find a place I felt secure with for my kids was another story in itself. Every Pastor I came upon would stop and pray for me, telling me they could see the hurt and pain in my eyes, and would lovingly try to express to me that God was a caring and loving God, not a malicious, murderous being. It took months for me to even begin to lighten up and realize I didn’t even know God! All those years, 25+, I had been serving a person, the “pastor”. I slaved for her, cleaning buildings at all hours of the night while holding down a full time job; when I prayed, I was praying in an unconscious manner, because I knew if I didn’t pray through as she thought I should, she would be down on me, criticize me, mock me, ostracize me, so I prayed in a fashion that would be pleasing for her. I played the piano, not for the Glory of God, but that I might please her, I studied the Bible, testified, not for the Glory of God, but that I might please her in all I say and do! As sick as this may sound, it is the truth!

I was not able to even have my own family over without her (the pastor) permission. She would decide for us when we could go out for dinner, family vacations, have birthday parties for my kids, or have someone over for dinner, if we did not get her permission and she found out, we would be lashed out upon from the pulpit. Many times, she would buy us things when she knew she had gone too far, which would put us back in that “feeling obligated” mode. We did not have much, money wise, and at times we could not tithe like we should, plus knowing what happened to the tithes, didn’t help matters either, but during a very hard time when we couldn’t tithe like normal, she told me to my face, I had no right to pray or ask God for anything!

One service, out of the clear blue, she accused me and another member of the band, of lustful feelings for each other, right from the pulpit, and had me move my seat to the other end of the room. My jaw dropped to the floor, I turned 20 shades of red, I had no idea that was coming! Later, a few years ago, I finally found out what that was all about, it was because we were having a picnic, a 4th of July holiday at the church, I had started blowing up a slide for the kids to play on, and because this other member came over and offered to help, and DID NOT WIPE OFF THE MOUTH PIECE AFTER ME, that we had a fling going on! Do you see how warp and demented this is! And this is just my story.

I could go on and on and tell you of things that would just floor you, but I have to stop somewhere, so here is where I will stop. Since we have left about 9 years ago, we are doing wonderful and we thank God everyday that we finally saw the light and our kids did not have to be raised in that environment. I pray that my family left there, will one day come to an understanding too that will allow them to see it for what it really is.
By Happiness is a Journey

Can't You See That I'm Dying?

I was part of a Tampa/Dade City church for twenty-four years. If I sat at this computer for a year and typed continuously, I couldn't begin to record the horror perpetrated on me and those I love.

At the same time, I have experienced God's amazing deliverance from destructive cult and the amazing concern from those who walked with me as I left behind a spiritually-abusive hell.

My history begins with my parents attending the church when I was pre-school age.

The pastor at the time tried to 'sever ties' with the movement called the 'Body'; being a young child, I didn't understand what this meant.

There was a woman in the church who was the 'youth-pastor'. I understand this was very 'unusual' for this organization of churches as women were generally repressed and thought brainless.

I was too young at the time to attend the 'youth' meetings (THANK GOD!!!)
However, the congregation would hear at the Saturday night meetings how 'amazing' the meetings were- they were so 'Spirit'-packed they would last until four in the morning! Oh, holiness was reigning!!

What they mostly consisted of was the 'youth' minister or her 'favored' young people sensing demons in the other young people and then hours of 'casting' said demons 'out'.
It is my belief that the Salem witch trials got a great revival in Tampa in the 'West' wing of the church. Had execution been permissible, these 'zealous' 'Christians' would have obliged the world in wiping out a few more heretics!

When I came out of the church, I heard from the 'young' people who had also left that the senior pastor had repeatedly warned this 'youth' minister that she was not to keep the youth over an hour. So, she told the young people that they would keep the length of the meetings a secret between themselves.
BIG RED FLAG HERE! Anytime someone wants seemingly 'normal' things kept from those in authority (i.e. when and where meetings occur, length of meetings, who was there, etc.) please do yourself a favor and spread the word- there is danger somewhere.
Time elapsed, and the senior pastor found out that he was dying of cancer. He elected a young man to take the church- believing he was circumventing this woman 'youth' minister from taking power.

There are events and happenings, layers of story that would take me days and hours to recount. If I have the time, I will come back to this part of the story in the second section.
Suffice to say, the woman took control of the church.
Almost twenty years later, the pure hell of this event still affects people's lives.
She was pastor of the church and principal of the 'church' school that now resided in Dade City, Florida.

One of the most debilitating things that stand out in my mind was when I was thirteen.
The school had a very stringent 'six-inch' rule between the sexes- of course I see the wisdom in this, but in this abusive environment the interpretation of this rule actually was:
THOU SHALT NOT EVEN LOOK AT THE OPPOSITE SEX, YOU LUSTFUL, CRAVEN CREATURE!
NO SITTING AT THE SAME LUNCH TABLE WITH MEMBERS OF THE MALE SEX!
IF THOU TALK WITH MEMBERS OF SAID OPPOSITE SEX, MONITORS AND SUPERVISORS WILL SIT IN THE OFFICE AND WHISPER TO EACH OTHER WHILE GIVING THOU EVIL GLARES.
And you can be sure the principal will be called and told what a sex-maniac you are.
A group of the girls were playing a clapping game called "Miss Mary Mack". The game consisted of children standing in a circle and taking turns clapping each other's hands in fast succession while reciting a rhyme.
(As you can tell, obviously someone pulled this game straight out of the kinkiest dating sex secrets section from Playboy)
We (the girls) were a few people short to form a circle. I called to one the boys and ask him to come help us making the circle (where my brain was I'll never know- I should have known by then what happened to those who touched boys)
I was reported to the principal.
She came to my house at 10:00 that night and told my parents that they had to come to the school for a conference.
In the office, she called me a 'female dog in heat' (a bitch) lusting after the boys and leading them into sin. She said she could see the lust demons coming out of my eyes and that I needed to be whipped to save my soul.
She took my dad's belt and whipped me, telling me to pray at the same time that God would save me from my lust.

I could hardly hold my head up for days.

And in such a manner, life carried on.
Anytime she came into the school, I would cower in my 'cubicle', pretending to be busy, so I didn't have to talk to her.
Usually this just got me in trouble: I obviously had something to 'hide'.

In 1996, a boy shot himself after having been yelled at by her.
I heard that there was a suicide note- but it was destroyed before the police could find it.
She told the church that it was "God's will" that this young man ended his life- obviously, God had "arranged' it to happen because he (the young man) would have defected from the church and "God saved him from this fate".

As I sit here and write this I can hardly keep from screaming. To blame this tragedy on a loving, caring Creator makes me hope she burns in hell for eternity.
There, I finally said it. My prayer is that God has mercy on her as He had on me; and in His mercy which is equally justice I hope that she finds out what the Scripture means about it being better to tie a millstone about one's self than to offend a little one.

I have heard from many other people, some of them still in their teens, that suicide was often the solution that seemed the easiest.
For about a year, it seemed the easiest solution to me, also.
There comes a place and time when you feel so 'dead' after all the yelling, lies, and rejection that it seems a good idea to just make it true.
If you are reading this and you feel that you would be at 'peace' if you could 'end' it all- PLEASE DON'T! THERE IS HOPE! Talk to a councilor, a real pastor, family member, somebody, anybody!
You are loved by God! You are a special creation- this world needs you in it- so, please, GET HELP! YOU ARE WORTH IT!

When my family of ex-church members get together and talk over all our experiences, we all agree on one thing: Thank God there wasn’t sexual abuse.
As I read back through all the accounts of sufferers, I mourn for those who were victimized that way. May God grant them justice and peace.

Today I opened the Bible I had used in the Dade City church days- in it were some ‘sermon’ notes I had scribbled during services.
As I sat by one of the ‘favored’ people, I had to pretend to scribble vigorously every fascinating, ‘God-inspired’ word out of her mouth, or be ratted on, then yelled at, etc.
One of the things I managed to scribble in between the words of "Worldly, Worldly thoughts and desires!" was this: "It will be a cold day in Hell before I testify again!"
I actually was able to laugh about it- thank God the absurdity of the situation overrode the pain!
I had been accused of being prideful because of quoting Lucado.
She had become so twisted that in the week before I left, she told the church that there was no need of reading the Bible, everyone just needed to listen to, and I quote, "The Word of God over the pulpit".

There was also the times when God would "reveal" things about different members divinely to her.
The actual trick to it all wasn’t all that mystical: she had her home and the church phone tapped.

I found out because I heard two of the young women (who lived at her house) talking together about how you should be careful about what you said on the church phone. Another friend found a tape in the church storage room in which the pastor ranted on and on about different members of the church.

I have also heard that different members of the church were sent to spy on each other to see if anyone had a TV hidden in their house. Only the pastor was allowed to have one- the flock didn’t have enough moral control to be responsible viewers!
And then there were the services where the "Dreams" were revealed!
She would have dreams about different members- in which ‘God’ revealed the member’s heart to her.

My heart was full of leprosy- because I was of the --- family.
I knew I was in for a bad time when she would glare at me from her seat behind the pulpit. She would stare at you in the most hateful way, all the while moving her lips. You knew she was ‘praying out’ the evil spirits that had taken residence in your soul.
And there were also the prayer meetings in which she asked God to bring an 'end' to those who had defected from the church.
I don't know what it sounds like to you, but to my understanding, she was asking God to kill them because they had the gall to disagree with her.

And then there was the evil sexuality of the flock!
As much as the woman thought about sex, she should have owned an adult store- maybe she could have put all that thought time to use.
I remember one time a family member and myself were being berated in her office for talking to a ‘rebellious’ member. In the middle of her tirade, she brought up the fact that one of her ‘favored’ members could no longer have sex with his wife because of medicine- induced
impotency.
I could never figure out what his impotency and talking to rebellious church members had to do with each other- like I even cared about someone else’s sex life. It was none of my business, and more importantly, none of hers.
She accused everybody of lust, heterosexual and homosexual.
If all her accusations were true, that church was the biggest group of lustful, wife-swapping, incestuous pedophiles under one roof.

During song service, she would walk up to different young people and say she saw ‘lust demons’ coming out of their eyes. Therefore, the poor humiliated people had to be ‘prayed’ through the clutch of their evil and there had better be some ‘coughing up’ of some demons into napkins if you ever wanted to get out of church that night.
As she was morally responsible for all these young lives, it was up to her to pick the young people’s mates for them. And you better take her choice and be grateful for it!
Thank God the young man she ‘picked’ for me fought her decision. There were never two more incompatible people on the face of this earth- we would have divorced in a year.

Young people were discouraged from pursuing college- Christ was coming back in the next year or the year after that and there just wasn’t time for a degree!
What there was time for was cleaning her five, six, seven, or even more buildings, all the while maintaining a regular forty hour job.
I remember at one time when she had seven offices that had to be cleaned bi-weekly. These buildings were up to forty miles apart and had to be cleaned in the same day.
To my knowledge, no one was ever paid a regular salary for doing this work.
Oh, and did I mention that she would ‘help-out’ only about ten times a year?

I would love to send her a bill for fifteen years of hard work.
Actually, I would love to see her have to do backbreaking work for someone else at no pay.
Let me not forget those poor souls who did ‘God’s work’ in the church-school. I really don’t know how it (the school) is still up and running. There are so many rules and laws being broken that surely some state or federal office is aware of it somewhere.

What makes me most infuriated, however, is the mental and emotional torture the older students are put through.
I’m not talking about church member older students, but rather NON-member students.
I have heard of two girls (thirteen and fifteen) who were pulled into the office and told to stop their lesbian activities.
Another boy was taken aside during a competition trip and asked point blank if he and another male student had had sex because the door was partially closed between their room and the supervisor’s room.
Two brothers were also made to change rooms because they supposedly were also engaging in bedroom activities.

I could go on and on, for a decade, and not tell every nasty, horrific thing that happened.
Since that is not my purpose in recounting all these incidents, I won’t try.
My purpose is to speak the truth, for as the Bible says, "You shall know the truth and the truth shall set you free".
That is my hope- that all members of this Dade City church or any other spiritually abusive church will be free of the lies and horrors that have been perpetrated on them, or that they have perpetrated on others.

As a family member of mine put it, "No one walks away from a situation like that without guilt. We all came away from the church with cookie crumbs on our faces’".
If you are a member of a controlling church reading this, know that there is God and life away from the cult you are trapped in.
There are arms of forgiveness waiting to help you down the path of freedom and into the arms of the true God- not the god that a crazed narcissistic woman has dreamed up.
Find help!
Yes, there is life after that church.
I hope there will be justice, also.
As it says in Amos 5:24, "But let justice roll down like waters
And righteousness like an ever-flowing stream".
God knows and he cares.
As I and others have said before-
"There is life after a controlling church."
I was very, incredibly blest in that I had a group of family and friends waiting for me when I came out of the church.

I also had the help of a wonderful psychiatrist.
He talked to my whole family for over three hours.
As we told him as much of our story as we could in the space of three hours, he told us that, based on our information, the pastor most likely has an Antisocial Personality Disorder. As I read over the many testimonies on this site, I began to wonder if that was a disorder in many of the other leaders.
Or was it just that, as in many cults, the congregation took on the cult leader’s personality.

As I read over the symptoms of antisocial behavioral characteristics, it was as if I was reading about most of the church: i.e.
1. Refuses to meld to accepted common social behaviors- total disregard to what is "lawful" and "law-abiding". (Everything the pastor says is "right" and "God’s Word". Church members have lied, cheated, renounced family because it was "God’s will".
2. No remorse when others are injured by one’s actions. (It was ‘God’s will’ that a young man committed suicide.)
3. Repeated lying perfected methods of deceitfulness. (The pastor would take other people’s stories and make them her own. When confronting my family member about a letter their ‘defected’ sibling sent them, she lied and said "God had revealed it to her in a dream". He hadn’t- I had told her of it the day before.

As I mentioned before, the congregation is eerily ‘taking on’ these behaviors- they have become their own twisted version of this pastor.

As I am on my journey of healing and learning to live anew, I find myself looking back over the progress of seven months.

When I first left the cult, I was not emotionally healthy. In fact, I was an absolute wreck mentally, emotionally, and most likely physically as well.
I would have panic attacks in the new wonderful church I was attending.
I had thought that if I could just leave, just get away from the horrific situation- all would well all at once.

Now, don’t misunderstand me- I was immediately relieved from the abuse.
When the abuse left, however, a healing process had to take its place.
A healing process that included a rage I hadn’t thought I was capable of, as well as mourning for the ‘lost’ years of exclusively doing a human’s will, not God’s.
I believe, and will continue to put my trust in Romans 8:28- "…All things work together for GOOD to those who love HIM…"
He promises ALL THINGS- all the rejection, rage, hurt… and the list goes on forever.
When I look back on twenty-four years of mental torture, I think of pain and rejection. As I look back farther and deeper, however, I also think of a few miraculous facts:
1. I have no family at all left in that cult.
2. God always, always let me know somehow, someway that He loved me.
3. There was always someone there when I needed them most. There are two I remember with all the gratitude in my heart: Scott, who, as I cleaned the business he worked at, would tell me how special and beautiful I was. After living in the desert of total rejection all week-and then to come in to see someone smile at you and mean it, and give you a brotherly hug when you looked down- it was like an amazing rainstorm of hope and joy drenching your soul. I hope that somewhere, somehow, Scott will know that he helped keep a despairing soul from ending it all.

God bless you, Scott.

Then there was Randy, who while on active duty in Iraq, e-mailed me hope and strong encouragement, till I had the strength to leave the terror behind.
You are the brother of my soul, Randy. If God were to bless you a third of what you blessed me, the world could not contain it. You were the hands of Christ to my life.
Behold what God has done! It is marvelous to my eyes!"

Now I Thrive...

Where does a person begin to tell about the mental abuse? I’ll just tell the truth.
Friday night youth meetings did last for hours - and, [name with held] did in fact tell us not to let the Pastor know how long she kept us in youth meeting. These meetings were not times of fellowship, sharing or “God moving,” but more {name with held] yelling at us and chewing us out, telling us how we were not measuring up to God’s standards (as she defined them). I remember reading my Bible on my own, and coming to a saving knowledge and a loving relationship with Jesus during this time, understanding my life’s purpose to become more and more Christ-like. This was definitely not the message being preached on Friday nights. It was made clear to all of us that no matter what we did, we would never be good enough – we would always be a disappointment to God, unless we surrendered our lives to her direction, without question. This was also the time [name with held] started to exert control over behavior. We were shown how to shun kids that didn’t meet her expectations, and other social pressures were brought to bear. Many of those kids grew up to be very good at shunning at her command.

Without going into all the gruesome details, [name with held] continued to “work” with the youth. When the Pastor passed away from an illness in the late 80’s, she began to work to take control over the church, undermining the successor the Pastor had chosen. By about 1990, [name with held] had become head pastor, and church began its dissent into becoming a cult. Once she had control of the church, she began working on individuals.

After high school, my life became more and more enveloped by the “needs” of the church, and[name with held]. By 1990, there was room for nothing else. My life consisted of working a full time job, attending church services, prayer meetings, etc, 4 days a week (twice on Sunday), working for a cleaning company 2-3 times/week for which no one was paid except [name with held] (she owned the company, but did not work there), with stories about what a hard worker she was as a young person (something we later found out was greatly exaggerated), we were to do maintenance on the church, and prepare for numerous “special” events (Christmas, graduation, etc.) Not to mention keeping the church clean. What little time there was for social time, we did what [name with held] wanted, when she wanted. This went on for 15 years.

There were many just truly awful times – most originating from ideas, ambitions and dreams I had for my life that were not in line with what [name with held] thought I should do or be. I very much wanted to live within my means, but[name with held] was very big on trips, gifts, etc. Whether I, or she, had the money for these things was of little consequence to her. One time she paid my share of a trip to Washington D.C., where I had to share one hotel room with six other girls. A trip I was MADE to go on. Then I was chewed out for charging (I didn’t have the money) a gift for my boss because they covered for me while I was gone. If you received gifts from her, they had strings attached. One time I remember wanting to be out of the doghouse so bad I took cash out on a credit card to give her spending money. Never did she say “Can you afford this?” Another time I bought her ticket to Denver. So many people in the church came to financial ruin, many being forced into bankruptcy, just trying to buy their way out of her wrath…the crazy thing it only fed the ego that so dominates that controlling behavior. Not only that time but, many other times I “couldn’t afford it.” It’s like an unwritten law that if you want a new dress, you could have one IF you bought her one too. Oh, and by the way a great number of people have had to file some sort of bankruptcy. In retrospect, I should have known I was never going to please her, because I would never completely “sell out” to her. One desire I had ever since I was a young woman was to have a husband and a family….this was definitely not in [name with held] plans for my life (a husband and family means less focus on her)

I remember in a Tuesday night prayer meeting, we were in a circle, all of a sudden she grabbed my arms and started to shake me trying to cast “nasty lustful” spirits out of me. Another incident happened when I was younger (where to this day I feel I was set up for), one of the guys was just hired at a shop and he wanted to show me the building along with another young man—he was a friend, so I got into the car! Oh, how could I have been so bad! Well, I paid! The door to hell was wide open! I was as nasty as a prostitute and should be shunned, rebuked and have weeks of youth meetings spent on casting out of the evil in my putrefied heart. BUT, I have to testify at this moment. In that season of my young life, I (in my tiny room at my Father’s house) found myself on my knees crying out from the depths of my soul for God to take the natural desire for a family of my own away if it was ungodly. THE MOST AMAZING THING HAPPENED! God didn’t. Instead He gave me a dream and an Angel visitation! It’s been about 22 years ago, but the visit and dream was like yesterday. No one could take that from me. God loved me and (although ending my life at times seemed the only answer) I loved Him. As years past, I was kept (as were others) so busy (it was assumed) I wouldn’t have time to think for myself yet the years past and the control grew tighter. Every time it was time to go to church my stomach would ache. I knew for the next 2 to 3 hours we would sit, stand, worship and beg to her heart’s content. I know everybody loved it when she was out of town because they were relaxed and church was short and everyone was in a good mood, and I mean even the ones who lived in her house. Don’t even start thinking about what goes on in the house. There’s not enough time to touch on that subject.

Early on my father (a super dad) disagreed with [name with held] and she told me to stay away from and move out because he was under a spirit. Yeah! He had the right spirit. Ohhhhh, the all nighters. Getting ready for Christmas and graduation was always a nightmare! First I go to my job, then cleaning the buildings then cleaning at church. Scrubbing and stripping the flooring, painting (I was not a painter-never was good enough to earn that one) Toilets! Now that’s what this “Non-soul seller” could do well. It has been 11 years since I “ran away” from GAC. What I found was God has LOTS of wonderful people! Real people, smart, (so smart it would blow your mind) godly people who really do the real work for Him. I’m not in the doghouse at church; my pastors are both creative and very educated. We have many professional people who go on mission trips and work in soup kitchens. Education is not our enemy, it’s one way God can free us. People can be freed. Therapy is OK.

I am living my dream. I am so happy. Married to the most wonderful Godly man. He is one of the nicest people I’ve ever met. We get to do things that really make a difference in this world. Like, host home Bible studies (which we actually study the Bible—something [name with held] would start and never really do), feed the poor, and help widows. We pray together. And best of all, we have the pleasure of sharing the True Gospel. Oh, I still have a moment now and then where an association will try to raise its ugly head but, being a part of the solid Bible believing Church and with my husband’s support (who is the head of our home, as the Christian Men should be) I am able to keep the past where it belongs. No longer a part of a horrid cult! I am not just in survival mode—no! I Thrive!

by Real love in Christ.

“Spiritual Abuse Hidden in Plain Sight”

Jim Jones in Guyana: gruesome images of 931 rotting corpses gunned down or felled by cyanide spiked Flavor-Aid cocktail.

David Koresh in Waco, Texas: a holocaust of a charred compound and sixty-seven victims, twenty-one of them being children.

Heaven’s Gate and the latest cult scandal of FDLS compound in Texas.

Perhaps a ‘Brittany Spear’ question must be asked of organized religion: what cult flagrancy could possibly happen next?

I submit that the ‘next’ is and has been happening for decades.

The four examples presented in the first paragraph bore the same symptoms: members confined in a compound setting.

Essentially, is this not the photo identification of a cult: Aberrant clothing, social and sexual behavior, and RESTRICTION OF MOBILITY?

Exhaustive study of resources, communication with abuse victims, and my own veritable abuse span exceeding two decades have conveyed to me an inescapable truth.
The cult, the spiritual abuse that thrives in the church next door, down the road, i.e. NOT IN A COMPOUND is as lethal, as fatal as the cult of restricted mobility.

To the untrained eye, the spiritually abused church member’s freedom and autonomy is passable. The dress code is perhaps inhibiting and the relentless church attendance might be a little excessive. “But”, thinks the unaware observer, “they have their own house which is not on church property and a car of their own AND THEY COME AND GO AS THEY PLEASE.”

It is in this that the spiritually abused are dammed and double dammed. As long as the abused member has an ‘outside’ job, a car, money of their own, they seemingly cannot fall into the salvageable category of a cult.

Abused spouses instantly would call this assumption ‘a load of bull’.
Captivity of the mind is in every way debilitating as restricted mobility.

I have lived on both sides of the abuse/freedom from abuse ‘coin’. On the abuse side, the pastor of a Dade City church held absolute authority. I didn’t go out of town, go to a friend’s house, or go on dates without her permission. On the freedom side, I rejoice at the empowerment of the every day decisions I make on MY VERY OWN- no permission phone call required!

Unless you have been the victim of spiritual abuse, you can never fully understand the devastating fear that surges over the abused when the abuser walks into the room.

I vividly remember the first instance I was aware that I had been abused. An “Are You a Victim of Abuse” sign hung over the sink where I was washing my hands. As I read over the bulleted warning traits, I thought, “My God, I’ve been abused”. I almost fell onto the floor I was so shocked. I had lived most of my life in an abusive environment. To me, abuse was normal.

In ‘Toxic Churches’, Marc Dupont says in regards to the Pharisees: “These abusive leaders believed they were above the law and had a legal license from God Almighty to judge, harm and shame anyone who tampered with their authority and power.” Dupont goes on to quote Pastor Ken Blue’s summarized list of warning signs of a spiritual abusive environment:
1. Abusive leaders base their spiritual authority on their positions or their office rather than on their service to the group…
(For me this meant being totally available and totally transparent to the pastor. Availability included serving on her cleaning crew. She had an upwards of five buildings that church members cleaned on a volunteer basis. All proceeds went to her. Total transparency meant just that- she knew of your doctor visits, your financial troubles, etc.)

2. Leaders in shame-based churches often say one thing and do another.
3. They manipulate people by making them feel guilty for not measuring up spiritually…You know that you are in an abusive church if the loads just keep getting heavier.
4. Abusive leaders are preoccupied with looking good… They stifle any criticism that puts them in a bad light.
5. …They promote a class system with themselves at the top.
6. Their communication is not straight. Their speech becomes especially vague and confusing when they are defending themselves.


Yes, in a Dade City church I had mobility of body. My emotions and mind, however, were wound tight with fear. What if I made the pastor angry with any thing I said or did? She had direct access to God- She could decide if I burned in hell or not.

I lived in terror as confining as the Koresh compound. My god was my pastor and she WASN’T unchangeable with everlasting love. Just as I thought I had all her rules down to a science, she would set new higher boundaries. This was ‘God’s refining process’. He required much of us because much had been given us.

Ha! Given us, my south end! As Wanda Mason so aptly put it on her site, “I suffered for my cult!” It was the pastor who was given much, and in the strange equation of spiritual abuse, it was she of who the least was required!

I find it particularly nauseating that spiritual abuse apes spouse abuse. For as followers of Christ, isn’t our relationship with Him exemplified as a marital one? “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself for her…”. In the healthy marriage, both partners strive to meet the other’s needs. Giving, sharing, standing on equal ground of mutual respect is meat and drink of the relationship. In an abusive marriage, the dominant spouse fulfills their own needs with and in the control of the other spouse. So it is with abusive churches: No matter what the cost the dominant leadership will have their needs fulfilled.

To all spiritually abused: Know the truth. It will set you free.


Notes: Quotes from Toxic Churches pg. 170-171