Show Me Blood

by chrisb11101 in photobucket 

 Just finished reading an insightful guest post article on Quivering Daughter's titled
Abusing Abuse?. The article describes the attitude of many to "Buck up!" The mentality is to be grateful that you weren't physically scarred. Darcy, author of the post, has this to say:

Pain is pain. It hurts, it debilitates, it affects every area of our lives. Anyone who lives with chronic physical pain can tell you this. And those who struggle with spiritual pain know all too well. May I even suggest that wounded spirits have far more profound impacts on people's lives than wounded bodies?

Powerful stuff, that. Why should we carry around a pain meter to decide if an experience is deemed painful or scarring? Are religious circles really so blase about suffering that they must be shown blood to produce a merciful attitude?

A situation that I feel illustrates this "there's no blood- so there's no wound" mentality is illustrated on the blog My Teen Mania Experience
The blogger (along with others sharing their personal experiences) petitioned the board of directors to acknowledge wounds (many emotional though I read of several physical ones as well). The board responded with, in my opinion, a cold, dismissive letter. The main concern of collective board was that the problems discussed on the blog were already corrected and that the institution had "a bright future". Not one apology for the many, many scars people bear from their experience with the institution.

I was hoping for a story book ending in this case: board of directors saying that concerns were heard, apologizing for the trauma the institution inflicted-for isn't contrition a Christian virtue?

Apparently not. Since the folks sharing their pain on My Teen Mania Experience didn't show enough theoretical blood they were dismissed as a "dust storm".

I keep hope though. I even keep hope that my spiritual abuser will see her evil and repent for it. Abusive patterns aren't broken by chance. They are broken because some speaks up and says "Hey, that's wrong! Enough is enough!"

I love what Jon Acuff has to say about hope: (Read Jon's wonderful blog Stuff Christians Like - worth your time!)

But here’s the thing about hope, it takes time. And sometimes, I think our greatest frustrations are when we try to force hope into a stage it’s just not ready for...We had to learn to live with a past that refused to stay quiet. As I’ve often said before, unless you deal with it, the past turns into a collection of knives hidden around your house. If you haven’t forgiven each other, then all the sudden you’ll see a character on a television show do what you did and you’ll get stabbed. Someone will make an offhand joke at a dinner party and you’ll get stabbed by that memory. So for us, learning to live with the past was about removing knives.

We have to talk about our hurts- as Jon said, the past doesn't stay quiet. As Darcy stated people will say things about being grateful we weren't beaten, etc. And if you are anything like me, that is your ticket to a month long cruise in guilt land.

So why talk about it? Why blog about it? Well, for the folks over at the My Teen Mania blog because a bunch of leaders decided you weren't bloody enough and de-value you even more by calling you a dust storm. So, you talk about it. According to the comments on the blog, it helps. I know it has helped me.

When I first came out of the cult I posted endlessly for a year on Wanda Mason's Ex-GAC message board. I said often I just needed to feel validated, almost as if I had to ask if it was OK to feel the pain. Wanda would always encouragingly respond back, "You are validated. You are free to share your pain here."

Thanks again so much Wanda. You didn't need to see blood to know there was pain.
To Darcy, Hillary, Recovering Alunmi, Provender, Elizabeth Esther, and all you other awesome blogs out there: Thanks for sharing your pain so others feel free to share theirs. Thanks for not requiring blood.
photo by no_namer_29 in photobucket

Further Reading:
Silent Sorrow
In Black (Velvet)

Clarity Rediscovered

This is an informative check-up by a blogger at "Clarity Rediscovered".
Unfortunately, they are no longer allowing random visitors- you have to be invited to read.
Hopefully they will soon re-open their blog to the public.

http://clarityrediscovered.blogspot.com/2009/01/seriously-is-it-just-me.html
"I decided to compose a simple, and of course, very unscientific, test which can be taken by those who have left the former church or one like it. With the help of my husband and a good friend, the questions were designed to help everyone see how differently the former church affected people during our unfortunate captivity there. If you would like to, get out a sheet of paper and see how you do.

1. How long did you attend this church? (1 point for each year)

2. Were you there every time the doors were open? (10 points)

3. How many years were you actively involved in a helps ministry? (1 point for each year in each area of helps. Example: 16 years in music=16 points, plus 5 years in the nursery=5 additional points)

4. Were you ever a department head, either paid or volunteer? (10 points)

5. Were you ever a paid staff member? (20 points for each family member on staff)

6. Were you or a family member ever on the board? (10 points)

7. Did your children grow up in this church? (20 points)

8. Did they ever have an unpleasant experience with the former pastor and/or his family members? (20 points per incident)

9. Did you or anyone in your family ever have to meet with the former pastor, his wife, or his son in order to be corrected? (20 points)

10. Did the former pastor ever make you or an immediate family member cry? (10 points per incident)

11. Were you forced to follow the dress code? (10 points)

12. Were you ever expected to choose the pastor and the church over family and friendships? (20 points)

13. Did you ever discover that you were the subject of the dinner conversation of your former pastor and his family? (10 points)

14. Did the former pastor ever pit you against staff members and/or church members, demanding information, and giving you no choice but to answer? (10 points)

15. Were you ever personally corrected from the pulpit, knowing without a doubt that he was talking about you? (20 points per incident)

16. Did you give your tithes and offerings to this church? (20 points)

17. Did you give out of obligation, and did this ever create financial difficulties for you? (20 points)

18. Were you ever made to feel inferior because you didn't have an impressive amount of material things, and because of this, then felt pressured to acquire them? (10 points)

19. Did you ever feel left out of the former pastor's clique? (10 points)

20. Did you or your family experience any kind of loss or pain that you believe you would not have experienced had you not attended the former church? (50 points)

21. Were you ever strongly advised by the former pastor (from the pulpit or in private) to make an important decision regarding your personal life or finances which ultimately proved to be wrong? (20 points per incident)

22. Did the former pastor ever lie to you by giving his word that he would do something and then not do it? (such as a Christmas bonus for 2 years in a row) (10 points per incident) 50 bonus points: Were you asked to leave this church? 50 bonus points: Were you fired from a position in this church? 50 bonus points: Was your spouse fired from a position in this church?

If you scored 150 points or above, then you have probably been adversely affected by this church. Some more than others. I am sure that there are a wide range of scores.

As you can see from all of the possible responses to the questions posed in this test, people have had largely varying degrees of involvement and experiences, leading to a countless number of different reactions. It is a very personal thing. As unique as your fingerprint. No one has the right to decide when it is time for someone to get over a hurtful situation. Some have needed an opportunity to vent, which in turn has helped others to do the same."