Hazing: The Fraternity Tatics of Spiritual Abusers

In 1978, Alfred University student Chuck Stenzel decided to join the fraternity Klan Alpine. To become one of the 'brethren',Chuck was given a bottle of wine, pint of whiskey and six pack of beer, locked in the trunk of a car with other pledges, and left in nine degree temperature.When the alcohol was finished, the trunk would be opened.

When the trunk was opened, Chuck was unconscious. He died later that night.

The fraternity denied responsibility of his death.

His mother Eileen determined to find the truth. Klan Alpine members, however, were reluctant to speak out of the 'code of silence' employed by the fraternity.Overcoming members' reluctance to speak out, Eileen eventually pieced together the story of Chuck's last day and determined to fight the oppressive tactics of fraternity hazing.

As I read the story, I was shocked at the loyalty of the frat members. They would rather that an abusive system live on to kill someone else rather than speak the truth of Chuck's death. However, at this point, I had an "Eureka!" moment. Hadn't I myself been part and parcel of a group who employed abuse and mind-controlling techniques similar to those of a fraternity?Hadn't I myself protected a Dade City church 'fraternity' with years of silence?

Good Reading On Lukewarm, Grace, Hazing, and The Desperately Wicked Heart

Articles and blogs definitely worth the perusal time.

How My Mother's Fanatical Views Tore Us Apart

by Rebecca Walker

Heartbreaking article detailing the emotional damage when a parent is fanatically dedicated to a movement

Grace With A Floppy Face

by Hillary McFarland

The overwhelming burden of perfectionism

The Myth of the Lukewarm Christian

by Eric Pazdziora

This post resonated deeply with me as the leader of the cult I was in ranted regularly on this topic...it was a "one-size-shame-for-all" sermon when she wasn't getting enough parishioner's money, time or adulation.

Don't Trust Your Desperately Wicked Heart and Other Fundamentalist Myths

by Elizabeth Esther

The title says it all...

Looking Back-Looking Forward

by Tales From the Crypt (Meg and Burnie)

Leaving a cult can feel like being mowed over by a semi-truck...

Spiritual Hazing: The Fraternity Tactics of Controlling Church Leaders

by the Cult Next Door

Re-read my post about the hazing-like tactics used by the cult leader of the Dade City church.

Burden Up!



There are people who do not want us to be free. They don't want us to be free before God, accepted just as we are by his grace. They don't want us to be free to express our faith originally...They want to control us; they want to use us for their own purposes.

-Eugene Peterson, Travelling Light-


Vampire, pirate, and naked emperor are some of the metaphors I've likened to my abusive pastor. I've likened her brutal control tactics to hazing and the pied piper stealing away children.

The motivation for this is to understand for myself the abuse, how it was allowed to happen, and why it is continuing today.

There is a kind of dehumanizing spiritual abuse that is actually worse than the misuse of God's law. It is expressed in the ill-defined calls to "enter into the deeper life" to "surrender" to "yield"...The question sensitive hearts perpetually ask is "Have I yielded or surrendered enough?" This establishes permanent guilt feelings...The law is much less abusive, because at least it has definition.
-Ken Blue, Healing Spiritual Abuse-

A friend that left the church before I told her that he was leaving to find God for himself.

This angered her inordinately. She quoted it often, scornfully, in her three- hour sermons. She would ask the congregation why anyone would want to leave her congregation where and yes, I quote "God spoke straight over the pulpit".

I understand now why that angered her so. My friend had seen through her pretense of being a servant of God rightly dividing His Word to what she truly was: a chartlan, using fear and misdirection to keep people in bondage, serving her need for control and dominance.

There are religious leaders that turn God's word into a heavy load, demanding that their followers scrupulously follow rules they have imposed. These leaders act out of honest motives, longing to save people from themselves by their actions....a salvation that includes human achievement, hard work, personal effort, even religious deeds distorts the good news because man gets the glory, not God...Paul's twice-repeated reaction to the one who introduced the doctrinal heresy is, "Let him be accursed!" This is Paul's way of saying the person is doomed! The original word is anathema! It is the strongest single Greek term for condemnation.
-Charles Swindoll, The Grace Awakening-

Jesus had strong words to these such leaders, the Pharisees of His day:
"You're hopeless, you religion scholars and Pharisees! Frauds! You're like manicured grave plots, grass clipped and the flowers bright, but six feet down it's all rotting bones and worm-eaten flesh. People look at you and think you're saints, but beneath the skin you're total frauds."

When believers accept performance-based standards preached by their leaders, they must keep the standards or suffer from guilt because they have failed...The genius of this system is that each religious group can custom-design its heavy loads to meet its own needs.
-Ken Blue, Healing Spiritual Abuse-

My abusive pastor went far and beyond setting up good works and rule-keeping as a means of salvation. Essentially, you were saved if she said so. Members of the church that disobeyed her orders were read the scripture in Hebrews: So don't turn a deaf ear to these gracious words. If those who ignored earthly warnings didn't get away with it, what will happen to us if we turn our backs on heavenly warnings? Members that continued to "rebel" after that were reminded of Jannes and Jambores who the earth opened up and swallowed because they stood against Moses. Her orders were not commands to stay out of adultery, or gossiping.
Her orders included:
spending as much of your free time as possible with her. She alluded more then once that spending time with her would ensure people's salvation.

not voicing disagreement with her decisions or actions.

accepting whatever life choice she decided for you. Members did not marry without her approval, chose life vocations, or even go to another member's house for dinner.

Members of toxic-faith systems reach a point in their addictive progression where they make claims about themselves to set themselves apart from others. They may attempt to support these claims with Scripture. Each time Scripture is used, some followers are more motivated to serve, feeling God's special hand on the ministry and the people involved with it. Some of the most clever deceivers in history have used Scripture to foster their toxic faith. Satan had no problem in quoting Scripture to strengthen his temptations of Christ.
-Stephen Arterburn and Jack Felton, Toxic Faith-

When authority is well placed, it respects the individuals over whom it has authority. When it is not well placed, it is our responsibility to expose the abuse and be part of the solution. Christ challenged the religious authorities who turned away from God and toward rules developed by men. Christ stood up to those people and told them they were wrong...We must have the courage to follow Christ's example and overturn the system...if that system is wrong. Silent submission in the face of violence, dishonesty, and abuse will only allow that abuse to be passed to new generations.
-Stephen Arterburn and Jack Felton, Toxic Faith-

Yes, the Bible was a heavy burden to me in a Dade City church. I walked around quaking, waiting for the ground to open up and swallow me because I chose not to spend all my free time kneeling at her feet. I couldn't satisfy her- and I spent hours every week cleaning her buildings, volunteering in her ministry, and listening to her endless ranting and raving in church.

I have finally realized the truth of the matter: she would have never been satisfied with all the good works and obedience I could have produced, even if I had gone to 24-hour work days.

Her demands on me and my fellow church members were designed by, I strongly believe, Satan, to turn me into another spiritual, verbal, and emotional abuser like her or to have me take my own life in despair.

You're hopeless, you religion scholars and Pharisees! Frauds! You go halfway around the world to make a convert, but once you get him you make him into a replica of yourselves, double-dammed.
-Jesus-

I daily pray to be free from the toxic religion of my abusive pastor. I read Scriptures such as the one in Galatians: Live freely, animated and motivated by God's Spirit.





I share my story with those around me and on this blog. Every time I share, I feel more of the shame of abuse dropping away.

Jon Acuff, in a blog about hope, had this to say about dealing with past emotional hurts and looking towards a hope:

...I guess I thought after that experience, when I had come clean and had full disclosure with people and laid it all down, that things would feel a certain way. I thought forgiveness and grace would feel round and full and complete and that freedom would feel incredible. But it didn’t.

Hope was not as instantaneous and complete as I would have preferred. Sanctification was not accomplished in the span of a long weekend. And that’s when I started to learn about the three stages of hope.

Hope is one of the first things that disappears when you get lost. Your ability to see beyond your current circumstances is chased south by the shadows. Your ability to dream and plan and hold visions close to your chest fades until hope feels foreign and far away.

And when you become a Christian, there’s the temptation to think you’re doing something wrong if you don’t feel hopeful 24 hours a day, seven days a week. But here’s the thing about hope, it takes time. And sometimes, I think our greatest frustrations are when we try to force hope into a stage it’s just not ready for...We had to learn to live with a past that refused to stay quiet. As I’ve often said before, unless you deal with it, the past turns into a collection of knives hidden around your house. If you haven’t forgiven each other, then all the sudden you’ll see a character on a television show do what you did and you’ll get stabbed. Someone will make an offhand joke at a dinner party and you’ll get stabbed by that memory. So for us, learning to live with the past was about removing knives.

I work on removing the hidden knives. I avoid situations that trigger the PTSD- even if it only going to church once every two months when I feel comfortable about it.

I still struggle with mountains of fear. I run from confrontations- it held severe recriminations in the abusive church. When I had an unhappy person on the phone at my job I had my usual violent reactions fearing I was, once again, "in trouble". I had floating sensations, burning cheeks and ears, icy chills so violent my body shook, aching sinuses and a sour taste in my mouth. These reactions are the result of years of public humiliation, private verbal and physical abuse. I don't know if the reactions will ever fully go away or just slightly subside.

So the scars and reactions to them are still present. But, I am out the cult! I no longer have the burden of pleasing a anti-social dictator of a pastor. And I sure as heck don't spend hours of my life cleaning someone else's buildings for free.

My brother once expressed to a counselor that he felt so sorry for me that I spent more years in the cult than he did. The counselor replied that yes I had, but I was out of the cult and I was still alive.

So very true. I am out of the cult, out from under the burden and I am still alive.

Further Reading:

Depression and Christianity

Have You Been Spiritually Hazed?

Winkipedia has this to say on the subject of hazing:

"Hazing” refers to any activity expected of someone joining a group (or to maintain full status in a group) that humiliates, degrades or risks emotional and/or physical harm, regardless of the person's willingness to participate. In years past, hazing practices were typically considered harmless pranks or comical antics associated with young men in college fraternities.

Today we know that hazing extends far beyond college fraternities and is experienced by boys/men and girls/women in school groups, university organizations, athletic teams, the military, and other social and professional organizations. Hazing is a complex social problem that is shaped by power dynamics operating in a group and/or organization and within a particular cultural context.

In the context of “any activity expected… [to join] a group…that humiliates, degrades or risks emotional…harm” I endured hazing for two plus decades. In my perspective the dynamic was a power play of a narcissistic woman to see how far she could degrade without protest from the “hazee” or the surrounding crowd.

For example: a church member spends a holiday with a family member outside of the church with whom they share a relatively strong bond. Upon the next church service, the pastor would stand to her feet and say God had revealed a “rebellious spirit” to her: like Achan and the hidden gold, there was sin “hidden in the camp”.

Whenever she made that announcement, my heart would beat faster, my mouth would go cotton dry, and often I would sweat a vile smell from sheer fear.
She would then begin to vaguely list the symptoms of the afflicted person. Each church member had been assigned evil character traits by the pastor. If she spoke of a family spirit or someone that was always tired (I had an auto-immune disease- fatigue is a normal symptom) I knew my number was up: God through her was about to check my loyalty by public ridicule.

The pastor would rant and rave about my last year’s worth of mistakes, real or imagined. Then the congregation would stand to their feet one by one and say how that if they were blessed enough to have God reveal spiritual danger through such a wonderful mouth piece, they would fall to their knees and repent. Kind church members would talk about their last experience with God’s cleansing. If you were lucky like me you got to sit by one of the pastor’s favored people and have loud “AMENS” yelled in your ear as the pastor revealed the worst of your offenses to the whole church. It was bitter humiliation to say the very least.

I knew the only way to stop the emotional torture was to stand and admit to every offense she had listed. Many times she would have the guilty party come forward and have the evil cast out of them by prayer.
The final humiliation was to publicly thank her for the emotional abuse and call it a gift from God.

And her hazing had accomplished what she intended: her power over the group had been re-enforced, I was debased in my own eyes and the eyes of my peers and not much of a threat to the system, and the on-lookers would be loath to find themselves in such a situation by attempting any family visits.

She had many such tactics to ensure her twisted authority, such as instructing family members, even husbands and wives to distance themselves from the offending party.

Hazing, in my mind, is a great tool for an abuser to keep their place of authority right where they want it: right on the neck of the hazed church member.

Have you been "hazed" in an abusive church? Please add your experience in the comments below.

Further Reading:
Exploring Bounded Choice
Vulnerable
Can't You See I'm Dying?

"Forever Twenty"

When I wrote the previous blog Spiritual Hazing: The Fraternity Tactics of Controlling Church Leaders, I was unaware that February 24 would be the thirty-first anniversary of the hazing death of Chuck Stenzel.

Since February 24, 1978, Eileen Stevens, Chuck's mother, has worked tirelessly to abolish the rituals of hazing on college campuses.

As of 2003, forty-three states have outlawed hazing practices.

On the website, http://www.stophazing.org/, Eileen says:

"On February 24--we will have a quiet family gathering. My son Steven will light a candle in the church near his NYC apartment where my parents were married. A family friend Father Bill Logan will offer a mass. My grandchildren will visit Chuck’s grave--we will be thankful for each other--and reflect--and the day will pass.
But our hearts will be heavy and ache for the young promising life that was lost without warning.
The blonde, blue-eyed strapping boy,--who will forever be 20--is gone but will always be in our hearts.
Please know I will be forever grateful to all of you who strive to make our campuses safer.
Thank you. "
Sincerely,
Eileen Stevens

Quote from Eileen Stevens can be found at: http://www.stophazing.org/fraternity_hazing/eileen-chuck-25years.htm

kid and torch image by lilacwest in photobucket

Spiritual Hazing: The Fraternity Tactics of Controlling Church Leaders

In 1978, Alfred University student Chuck Stenzel decided to join the fraternity Klan Alpine. To become one of the 'brethren', Chuck was given a bottle of wine, pint of whiskey and six pack of beer, locked in the trunk of a car with other pledges, and left in nine degree temperature.When the alcohol was finished, the trunk would be opened.
When the trunk was opened, Chuck was unconscious. He died later that night.
The fraternity denied responsibility of his death.
His mother Eileen determined to find the truth. Klan Alpine members, however, were reluctant to speak out of the 'code of silence' employed by the fraternity.Overcoming members' reluctance to speak out, Eileen eventually pieced together the story of Chuck's last day and determined to fight the oppressive tactics of fraternity hazing.
As I read the story, I was shocked at the loyalty of the frat members. They would rather that an abusive system live on to kill someone else rather than speak the truth of Chuck's death. However, at this point, I had an "Eureka!" moment. Hadn't I myself been part and parcel of a group who employed abuse and mind-controlling techniques similar to those of a fraternity?Hadn't I myself protected a Dade City church 'fraternity' with years of silence?
Thankfully, Eileen started a movement that abolished many college hazings.
She said:
"Subservience, ridicule, verbal abuse, intimidation, sleep deprivation, forced calisthenics, unfair tests are all hazing and should be reported. No one should compromise their dignity to belong to any group. If you are allowing yourself to be hazed, or looking the other way when someone else is being hazed, you are enabling this ugly practice to continue and jeopardizing the emotional and physical well being of others. You are the future of fraternity. You have rights and an important voice. This is a time of growth and personal development. You are in a unique position to strengthen your chapter, implement change and set a tone for the future. Only you can eradicate the cancer of hazing. You will face many challenges and choices. I implore you to do so with leadership and courage."

"No one should compromise their dignity to belong to any group." Eileen might have been saying this about belonging to a spiritually abusive group as well as a fraternity hazing. Spiritual abusers have a gamut of practices to steal the dignity of their followers. In the church I was in, the pastor preached against associating with members who had left the group. She had 'spies' who would follow parishioners to 'make sure' the parishioner was not associating with 'workers of iniquity' (members who had left the church). She also closely monitored any visits a parishioner made to family members, inside or outside of the church.Imagine how demoralizing it is for a forty year old to ask permission to go see his sisters and brothers or a fifty year old to have to 'check-in' with the pastor about inviting her parents over for supper.Yet, even following the pastor's every rule on reporting 'family associations', the parishioner still would have at least two church services a year in which the pastor would preach for two or more hours in general tones about the evils of family association. She was wiley enough not to say names, yet the whole congregation knew who she was speaking to, and the 'guilty' parishioner knew the only absolution lay in his presenting himself to the pastor in front of the congregation for a lengthy prayer session or 'family spirit exorcism'. These examples sound extreme and incomprehensible to a person who has never experienced the 'hazing' of a spiritual abuser.Yet parishioners consider this domination normal and acceptable for the 'fraternity' pastor has decreed it is so.

"Subservience, ridicule, verbal abuse, intimidation, sleep deprivation, forced calisthenics, unfair tests are all hazing and should be reported."Parishioners of a Dade City church recieve a check mark on all listed points for spiritual abuse 'hazing'.
The pastor would call night or day and her demands had to be immediately met.
Check for subservience.
Parishioners' dress, weight, and worship styles were mocked by the pastor and the 'in group'.
Check for ridicule.
Two hours of 'counseling' in which you are repeatedly yelled at for being 'lustful' and have 'demons' cast out by the pastor yelling in your face.
Check for verbal abuse and intimation.
Sadly, spiritual abuse victims have no one to which they can report this 'hazing' lifestyle.
Yet even more sadly, members who have not left the abusive church do not consider this lifestyle abusive. A bizarre loyalty to this church 'fraternity' not unlike Stockholm syndrome seals the parishioners' lips. After enduring the aforementioned 'counseling' session, I would thank the pastor repeatedly for 'looking out for my soul'. Church services often consisted of parishioner's testimonies of how happy they were to be a part of the 'true family of God' and how they would be glad to choose this 'family' over their natural family.
None of the emotional damage of the pastor's tactics is ever acknowledge by the abused. He doesn't speak of it to 'outside' family or friends. As this is 'God's elect' fraternity, he desires to have it appear only in the best light. He realizes that 'worldly' associations would not understand 'God's cleansing' and would question 'God's mouthpiece', the pastor. Somewhere in his mind he reasons that he deserved the abuse, that it is God's way of cleansing him.
When a fortunate parishioner would gather the strength to 'break free' of the abusive church I attended, remaining members were counseled on the 'evils' (mistakes or foibles of character) of this abandoning 'frat' brother. This discouraged credence of the departed parishioner's story of abuse.In this, the pastor gained two victories: The 'escaped' parishioner was vilified and her oft repeated stories of persecution were given credibility.
On the blog Wittenberg Gate: Applying Scriptures to every sphere of life the author makes this observation of a new member's introduction in a controlling church:

"You may be given accounts of past problems in the church and explanations for why all this was the fault of others. For example, you may hear of a group of people who were in some sort of sin, caused a problem in the church, and then were expelled or left on their own. Manipulative people use this sort of technique in order to prepare you ahead of time when they expect you might hear of these problems from others. Later, when you hear of the complaints of a former church member, you may be predisposed, by the information you hear now, to think the fault lies with the former member. We tend to believe what we heard first when contradictory information is given.You may hear stories that glorify the pastor or other controlling person. You might hear of how he endured trials, especially the attacks of others, or stood alone for what is right.

And so the spiritual fraternity's control is complete: New members are anxious to be a part of what appears to be a group sold totally out to God. They may hear disturbing accounts from parishioners who have left but dismiss their credibility because the 'frat leader' pastor has warned the new member of the evils of these 'disgruntled' ex-parishioner: they didn't have the dedication to 'go all the way with God' and are driven by an 'evil spirit'.
The 'frat' pastor allows some time for the new member to luxuriate in the glow of the attention showered on them by church members and the energizing mentality of 'selling it all out for God'. The new member gives freely of his time and talents; not much is expected of him- for now. He notes that older members are sometimes harshly disciplined. He doesn't worry too much about it, though. His dedication to God is mentioned often in the services in glowing terms by the pastor and the 'inner circle'.
Suddenly, in the mist of this glory fest, hazing time arrives. His person hood and ties to family members are disclaimed by the pastor from the pulpit. He sits in shock as she rails on and on against him and his supposedly evil actions.
It's time to pledge your undying loyalty to 'God's mouthpiece'.The new member doesn't dare speak of his abuse to anyone outside the church fraternity. That would be questioning God and His 'Under-Shepherd'.
The new member resolves to 'suck it up' and take the abuse. After all, it's a small price to pay to be a member of 'God's elect' fraternity.
Right?
The story of Chuck Stenzel and Eileen Stevens' statement on fraternities can be found on the website: http://hazing.hanknuwer.com/broken.html
The quote from 'Controlling Personalities in the Church' can be found on the blog:http://dory.typepad.com/wittenberg_gate/2005/05/controlling_per_1.html
Blindfold image by crystal trevor in photobucket
Cloak image by Cubbsbaby in photobucket
Prisoner image by SimplySue58 in photobucket