Geez-Louise, Cult Peeps and Cult Pastor!?!?! Just Dance!

"Dance" by Lucre Diaze in flickr

*WARNING TO ALL MY READERS: I really let lose in this post...please take me and my words with a grain of salt*

I recently came across an online review of the cult church. The review was comparatively mild and explained angst that commenter felt after overhearing a church authority leader declare outsiders (non-church members) were not welcome in the church if immodestly dressed.

This was very mild criticism on the part of the commenter, believe you me. In my time people were shamed from the pulpit if they wore flared skirts. Flared skirts, people! Flared skirts that came BELOW THE KNEE. See example below.

"Flared" by krinn in Flickr

"soft blue sky" by lucidRose in flickr

And this long blue skirt on the right would get ya called down from the pulpit as well...too long. (I think it is gorgeous...have one just like it now :)

But I digress.The mildly critical review was vehemently denounced by (what can only be assumed) a member of the church. The rebuttal included references that the reviewer was going to an extremely heated place.

*Sigh*. Really, cult peeps? Can't you find something more motivating in life? Something more awesome than writing up foolish dress codes and condemning to hell those who disagree with you? There is sooooo much more to life!

You should be dancing EVERY. SINGLE. DAY.

NOT:
1. ….measuring skirt lengths. (Really?!?! Seriously?!? You can’t come up with a more godly activity?
2 .…telling peeps who they can and can't marry. (Once again…REALLY!?!?! SERIOUSLY!?!?!)
3. ….saying when they can go on vacation.
4. …when they can’t go on vacation.
5. ….deciding what profession they can pursue.
6 .….what books they can read.
7. …what books they can’t read.
8. ….crippling people with fear of EVERYTHING and EVERYONE on the outside of your church.
9. ….doing pretty much ANYTHING of the 85% percent of the nonsense that composes your day.
10. ….Is your life really that pathetic that you have to micromanage others? Or that you have to decimate the message of the grace of the cross? Geez Louise peeps! Really?!?! Seriously?!?!

*sigh #2*

BESIDES a strong desire to shake some sense into you I also wish I could hire a sky writer to put this where you could see it:
I DON'T HATE YOU!
I DON'T WISH YOU ANY HARM OR ILL WILL!
I JUST WISH YOU WOULD STOP HURTING PEOPLE!

Stop hating the fact that I spoke up against your twisted way of life! Your twisted words needed to be spoken against! In fact, the whole church just needs an intervention!

You are wasting your time making me a rallying point of hatred (Geez Louise #2!).

I have moved on with my life…and so should you. Stop using me to spread your fear, hatred and control to the remaining prisoners in your church.

I’ve moved on from angst-ing over you and the damage you wreaked on me.

Actually I have found healing to the point that I am thankful for the hard lessons learned from your selfish grasping:

I learned how to do a hard job and not expect to have monetary gain from it.
I learned how to stick to a thankless task without walking away.

I am a survivor. I am just sorry you were the one to force me to be a survivor.

I am ready to walk away from the proverbial altar. I no longer bear “aught” against you.

I just wish you would lay down your “aught” against me and walk away.

In moving on with my life I have found:
1. ....mascara does not make your eye balls fall out of your head.
2. …it’s okay to wear shorts and jeans. Your legs don’t fall off.
3. ….it’s okay to drink an alcoholic beverage on celebratory occasions. I heartily recommend Grasshoppers.
4. ….it’s okay to skip church once in a while…especially when you have been an addict to religion.
5. …it’s okay to go to theaters. Seriously, people. You watch the exact same movies in your home. I know. I’ve seen you.
6. …it’s okay to not spend every extra penny you own on unflattering skirts and dowdy shirts. Seriously. Read Vogue once in a while. And stop stealing people’s money to buy your blasé clothes. 7. …it’s okay to be friends with WORLDLY people (Geesh #1)
8 .…and because time and post space is getting away from me….it’s okay to: make your own choice in marriage, listen to “rock Christian music (gasp!), read the Bible instead of listening to the preacher, wear bathing suits, wear earrings, blush, and eye liner, listen to country music (including The Civil Wars…Yippee!), root for Roll Tide! vote democratic, read mystery novels, and wear pants, earrings, blush, eyeliner to church.

Seriously. My fingers, legs, ears and eyes are still intact and I have accomplished all but one of the above listed. And if John Huntsman doesn’t make the Republican ticket I will accomplish ALL the listed.

I really, really hope you are reading this article, cult member, and especially you, cult pastor.

Because I want to say one last time: I DON'T WISH YOU ANY ILL WILL. I FORGIVE YOU! I just wish for Geez- Louise- Gosh- Smarm its sakes that you would get some freedom and for God's sake DANCE!!!!!

I don't want to hear that you've hurt one more person and stripped them of their trust in human kind.

I want to hear things like you have let all the young people in church free to pursue their dreams.
That you have repaid those from whom you have stolen.

"red dress" by the heart truth in flickr

That you have asked forgiveness of those you have hurt.
I want to hear that you have bought a sleeveless red dress and worn it dancing.

"tango" by aka serge in flickr

Yes, dancing. Make it the tango. 

That you bought a bathing suit and worn it to the beach.

That you spread the word God isn’t as mean and hateful as you have made Him out to be all these years.

More importantly...I want to hear that you have sought counseling. Because you are very, very ill. Your illness is destroying those you supposedly "love". You see, if you truly love, you let go. Sounds cliched but it's true You don’t micromanage. You don’t manipulate, lie or steal. You get help because you are a deeply trouble narcissist.

*Snarkiness alert* (because I have been REALLY NICE up till now. Really.) That supposed leak that let word of the "runaway marriage" out? That leak came from someone very, very close to you. Very close. Turn around and they are probably standing right beside you.

Heh! Heh! Made you look didn’t I? Seriously though. The leak is in your “inner circle”. One of the “hearts of the true church”.

So do everyone a favor and let that poor little couple actually run away from you and your toxic environment. Stop guilt-ing them that the owe you. They don’t own you one samn thing.

All the snarkiness aside, I have to tell you that this month is Spiritual Abuse Awareness month. So be careful of any visitors to your church. They might be cult exit counselors in disguise (okay, okay the snarkiness wasn't totally out of my system. It is now...I promise :)

Here, my cult peeps and highly controlled, um, (I can't say "geeks" now I can I?!?! I got all my snarkiness out back a paragraph)...um... PEEPS! ...are some articles you should read (you REALLY NEED to read ALL these articles.

I have commented on a lot of them...you never know what I said in my comments so READ. EVERY. SINGLE. ARTICLE. (and all the comments)

Best advice I know to get out of your pastor worshipping, fellow- brother- hating slavery: here.

God commands you to be free.

Feel loved: Read how much Jesus loves you and count the ways (written by the most excellent word smith Eric Pazdziora) Visit Eric's blog on Spiritual Abuse here.

Surround yourself with grace: Read Hillary McFarland's grace- filled description of the cult family.

Lewis Wells will give it to you straight with the only advice he knows to give to members of high control group, whether it be a family or a church.

Elizabeth Esther writes an awesome blog about that desperately wicked heart that you, oh cult pastor dear, pounded away about prayer meeting after prayer meeting. According to Elizabeth that scripture is a great way for abusers to couch their manipulation.

Time gets away from me to tell you of the awesome articles written by Rachel Held Evans, Internet Monk, Ann Voskamp, and Serena Woods. I strongly urge you to read them.

As I noted above, I have commented ALL OVER these blogs. You need to read every single post to see what I might have written.

Cult member, after reading all these amazing exhortations toward personal autonomy and the freedom to have your own relationship with God...then so be it. Do whatever makes your boat float.

Cult pastor, why have people's pain on your conscience? Why not let them fly free? You don't need these poor people's adulation to justify your existence. God loves you and will forgive you for your trespasses. As He will forgive us all.

"The trick is to learn to dance in the rain" by daneete 5

So, geez, cult pastor and cult member...Why don't you just dance? I hope you finally do. Life is just way to short to waste your time spitting at the wind. It’s so much more fun to dance.

"Mean"

This song is a great response to abuse. We will most likely never know why our abusers are so twisted but we are free of their abuse and it's true...all they'll ever be is mean.

Don Miller had some insightful words Thursday about hurt, pain and the forgiveness process:

... Go through the stages of grief. Let the offense shock you, then let it completely hurt you. Don’t avoid the pain. Sit with it and feel it no matter how unbearable it is. Please know it will end in time. It will get 2% easier every day. Just feel it like a toothache and soon enough it will transition into something bearable.

Then let the offense make you angry. Don’t lash our or you’ll be guilty yourself. Talk about it with trusted friends but confess you’re angry and your emotions aren’t under control. And don’t feel bad for being angry. The last thing you need is anger and shame. Just punch a pillow and make it through. The anger, like the pain, will lessen over time...
Happy Memorial Day my friends!

Ezekiel 34

photo by anoldhippie in photobucket

 ^1-6 God's Message came to me: "Son of man, prophesy against the shepherd-leaders of Israel. Yes, prophesy! Tell those shepherds, 'God, the Master, says: Doom to you shepherds of Israel, feeding your own mouths! Aren't shepherds supposed to feed sheep? You drink the milk, you make clothes from the wool, you roast the lambs, but you don't feed the sheep. You don't build up the weak ones, don't heal the sick, don't doctor the injured, don't go after the strays, don't look for the lost. You bully and badger them. And now they're scattered every which way because there was no shepherd—scattered and easy pickings for wolves and coyotes. Scattered—my sheep!—exposed and vulnerable across mountains and hills. My sheep scattered all over the world, and no one out looking for them!
 ^7-9 "'Therefore, shepherds, listen to the Message of God: As sure as I am the living God—Decree of God, the Master—because my sheep have been turned into mere prey, into easy meals for wolves because you shepherds ignored them and only fed yourselves, listen to what God has to say:
 ¹⁰ "'Watch out! I'm coming down on the shepherds and taking my sheep back. They're fired as shepherds of my sheep. No more shepherds who just feed themselves! I'll rescue my sheep from their greed. They're not going to feed off my sheep any longer!
 ^11-16 "'God, the Master, says: From now on, I myself am the shepherd. I'm going looking for them. As shepherds go after their flocks when they get scattered, I'm going after my sheep. I'll rescue them from all the places they've been scattered to in the storms. I'll bring them back from foreign peoples, gather them from foreign countries, and bring them back to their home country. I'll feed them on the mountains of Israel, along the streams, among their own people. I'll lead them into lush pasture so they can roam the mountain pastures of Israel, graze at leisure, feed in the rich pastures on the mountains of Israel. And I myself will be the shepherd of my sheep. I myself will make sure they get plenty of rest. I'll go after the lost, I'll collect the strays, I'll doctor the injured, I'll build up the weak ones and oversee the strong ones so they're not exploited.
 ^17-19 "'And as for you, my dear flock, I'm stepping in and judging between one sheep and another, between rams and goats. Aren't you satisfied to feed in good pasture without taking over the whole place? Can't you be satisfied to drink from the clear stream without muddying the water with your feet? Why do the rest of my sheep have to make do with grass that's trampled down and water that's been muddied?
 ^20-22 "'Therefore, God, the Master, says: I myself am stepping in and making things right between the plump sheep and the skinny sheep. Because you forced your way with shoulder and rump and butted at all the weaker animals with your horns till you scattered them all over the hills, I'll come in and save my dear flock, no longer let them be pushed around. I'll step in and set things right between one sheep and another.
 ^23-24 "'I'll appoint one shepherd over them all: my servant David. He'll feed them. He'll be their shepherd. And I, God, will be their God. My servant David will be their prince. I, God, have spoken.
 ^25-27 "'I'll make a covenant of peace with them. I'll banish fierce animals from the country so the sheep can live safely in the wilderness and sleep in the forest. I'll make them and everything around my hill a blessing. I'll send down plenty of rain in season—showers of blessing! The trees in the orchards will bear fruit, the ground will produce, they'll feel content and safe on their land, and they'll realize that I am God when I break them out of their slavery and rescue them from their slave masters.
 ^28-29 "'No longer will they be exploited by outsiders and ravaged by fierce beasts. They'll live safe and sound, fearless and free. I'll give them rich gardens, lavish in vegetables—no more living half-starved, no longer taunted by outsiders. (Ezekiel 34, The Message)

Check The Spirits...And Not Just At The Door!

01StevenK in photobucket

 ¹Beloved, believe not every spirit, but try the spirits whether they are of God: because many false prophets are gone out into the world. (1 John 4:1, King James Version)
 ¹ My dear friends, don't believe everything you hear. Carefully weigh and examine what people tell you. Not everyone who talks about God comes from God. There are a lot of lying preachers loose in the world. (1 John 4:1, The Message)

Pastor Gene Jennings at True North Church preached last Sunday on hearing the voice of God. (Just to be clear: this is my wonderful new very safe church...not the spooky old church)

Pastor Jennings presented the litmus test to know if the "voice" (thoughts, impressions,other's words) is of God:

• agrees with Scripture
• makes one's actions more Christ-like
• is confirmed by other believers
• gives a sense of peace

He noted that if the "voice" directs away from the Scriptures it is false.

Pastor Jennings, I wish I believed that truth eleven years ago...heck make that twenty years ago. (Though as a twelve year old I'm not sure how I could have left the cult behind...well, anyhoo)

The cult leader of a Dade City church told a congregant to leave his wife as she was not attending the cult. Let's see...hmm...didn't Jesus say:

 ^5-9Jesus said, "Moses wrote this command only as a concession to your hardhearted ways. In the original creation, God made male and female to be together. Because of this, a man leaves father and mother, and in marriage he becomes one flesh with a woman—no longer two individuals, but forming a new unity. Because God created this organic union of the two sexes, no one should desecrate his art by cutting them apart." (Mark 10:5, The Message)

She told another congregant that she should not care for her ailing mother. She went so far as to quote:

²⁰Jesus was curt: "Are you ready to rough it? We're not staying in the best inns, you know."
 ²¹Another follower said, "Master, excuse me for a couple of days, please. I have my father's funeral to take care of."
 ²²Jesus refused. "First things first. Your business is life, not death. Follow me. Pursue life." (Matthew 8:20-22, The Message)

 I'm not a scholar so I don't understand why Christ was telling the man not to attend his father's funeral. What I do understand is that she put herself in the place of Christ by saying that the adult child should give more loyalty to the church (a.k.a her) than to a biological mother.
Paul said:

 ^3-8 Tell these things to the people so that they will do the right thing in their extended family. Anyone who neglects to care for family members in need repudiates the faith. That's worse than refusing to believe in the first place. (1 Timothy 5:3, The Message)

She instructed church members to shun young children as they were "under an evil influence". We are talking six, seven, eight year olds. Can you imagine the devastating effect this had on the child?

I failed and made wrong decisions that hurt others while in the Dade City cult. One thing I did do right and I am fiercely glad and yes, PROUD of was refusing to ignore a child. I was yelled at over the pulpit and called proud and a promoter of rebellion. After the service I confronted the pastor and told her why I refused to "shun" a child. I told her that there is a Scripture that actually suggests suicide:

 ¹Then said he unto the disciples, It is impossible but that offences will come: but woe unto him, through whom they come!
 ²It were better for him that a millstone were hanged about his neck, and he cast into the sea, than that he should offend one of these little ones.
 ³Take heed to yourselves: If thy brother trespass against thee, rebuke him; and if he repent, forgive him. (Luke 17:1-3, King James Version)

I quoted the King James as any other version was 'worldly'.

Here is how the 'worldly' version, The Message, reads:

 ^1-2He said to his disciples, "Hard trials and temptations are bound to come, but too bad for whoever brings them on! Better to wear a millstone necklace and take a swim in the deep blue sea than give even one of these dear little ones a hard time!
 ^3-4"Be alert. If you see your friend going wrong, correct him. If he responds, forgive him. Even if it's personal against you and repeated seven times through the day, and seven times he says, 'I'm sorry, I won't do it again,' forgive him." (Luke 17:1-3, The Message)

Ohhhhh! So we're supposed to forgive! It's not our job to enforce a repentant spirit....hmmmm! Jesus says it is better to end your life than to give a little one a hard time... Sounds like her theology wasn't from God!

Thankfully my family and I finally "tested" her spirit and let tell you...it ain't from God, friend.

And we got the hell out of that church-or rather, we left the hell of that church behind.

edwardo37 in photobucket

I beg you, reader, test the spirit. Test the words. Test the pastor.

There are zombie pastors out there my friend and they want your brain. 

^1-6 God's Message came to me: "Son of man, prophesy against the shepherd-leaders of Israel. Yes, prophesy! Tell those shepherds, 'God, the Master, says: Doom to you shepherds of Israel, feeding your own mouths! Aren't shepherds supposed to feed sheep? You drink the milk, you make clothes from the wool, you roast the lambs, but you don't feed the sheep. You don't build up the weak ones, don't heal the sick, don't doctor the injured, don't go after the strays, don't look for the lost. You bully and badger them. And now they're scattered every which way because there was no shepherd—scattered and easy pickings for wolves and coyotes. Scattered—my sheep!—exposed and vulnerable across mountains and hills. My sheep scattered all over the world, and no one out looking for them! (Ezekiel 34:1-3, The Message)

 ¹⁵ The gullible believe anything they're told;
   the prudent sift and weigh every word. (Proverbs 14:15, The Message)

On a more positive note...The series "Hear God Speak" will be available for listening on the True North website. Absolutely worth your listening time. As stated above I wish I had heard this sermon twenty years ago. Many thanks to Pastor Steve and Gene for speaking on the subject.

Hazing: The Fraternity Tatics of Spiritual Abusers

In 1978, Alfred University student Chuck Stenzel decided to join the fraternity Klan Alpine. To become one of the 'brethren',Chuck was given a bottle of wine, pint of whiskey and six pack of beer, locked in the trunk of a car with other pledges, and left in nine degree temperature.When the alcohol was finished, the trunk would be opened.

When the trunk was opened, Chuck was unconscious. He died later that night.

The fraternity denied responsibility of his death.

His mother Eileen determined to find the truth. Klan Alpine members, however, were reluctant to speak out of the 'code of silence' employed by the fraternity.Overcoming members' reluctance to speak out, Eileen eventually pieced together the story of Chuck's last day and determined to fight the oppressive tactics of fraternity hazing.

As I read the story, I was shocked at the loyalty of the frat members. They would rather that an abusive system live on to kill someone else rather than speak the truth of Chuck's death. However, at this point, I had an "Eureka!" moment. Hadn't I myself been part and parcel of a group who employed abuse and mind-controlling techniques similar to those of a fraternity?Hadn't I myself protected a Dade City church 'fraternity' with years of silence?

The Journey From The Cult

The Road goes ever on and on
Down from the door where it began.
Now far ahead the Road has gone,
And I must follow, if I can,
Pursuing it with eager feet,
Until it joins some larger way
Where many paths and errands meet.
And whither then? I cannot say.

Still round the corner there may wait
A new road or a secret gate,
And though I oft have passed them by,
A day will come at last when I
Shall take the hidden paths that run
West of the Moon, East of the Sun.
~J.R.R. Tolkien~

Good Reading On Lukewarm, Grace, Hazing, and The Desperately Wicked Heart

Articles and blogs definitely worth the perusal time.

How My Mother's Fanatical Views Tore Us Apart

by Rebecca Walker

Heartbreaking article detailing the emotional damage when a parent is fanatically dedicated to a movement

Grace With A Floppy Face

by Hillary McFarland

The overwhelming burden of perfectionism

The Myth of the Lukewarm Christian

by Eric Pazdziora

This post resonated deeply with me as the leader of the cult I was in ranted regularly on this topic...it was a "one-size-shame-for-all" sermon when she wasn't getting enough parishioner's money, time or adulation.

Don't Trust Your Desperately Wicked Heart and Other Fundamentalist Myths

by Elizabeth Esther

The title says it all...

Looking Back-Looking Forward

by Tales From the Crypt (Meg and Burnie)

Leaving a cult can feel like being mowed over by a semi-truck...

Spiritual Hazing: The Fraternity Tactics of Controlling Church Leaders

by the Cult Next Door

Re-read my post about the hazing-like tactics used by the cult leader of the Dade City church.

The Hyacinth Effect

In a lighter vein...

I am guilty of falling sway to the Hyacinth effect. Who is Hyacinth and what is her effect...We-l-l... more on Hyacinth at the end of the post.

I'm really good at coffin polishing. Sound grim? Here's one more morbid: "...you're like manicured grave plots, grass clipped and all the flowers bright, but six feet down it's all rotting bones and worm-eaten flesh."

This is performance based religion in a nutshell. And who better than Jesus could spot its slithery, slimy symptoms? This is why he used disturbing images to describe it. He wanted his listeners to realize and realize good performance based religion is rotten through and through.

I cut my teeth on performance based religion. Appearance MATTERED!!! And boy do I mean actual appearance. As the pastor of the cult was female outward neatness scored high with her. She was obsessed with neatly pressed clothes, perfectly cleaned houses, and Emily Post deportment.

Don't get me wrong-these things are good and healthy in perspective. However, they are not possible all the time. And that's what she demanded: PERFECTION ALL THE TIME.

But enough about her. This post will be funny and the harm she inflicted isn't funny.

Back to the Hyacinth Effect. I suffer with it. And poke fun at myself for doing so. Hyacinth is a character from a British sitcom, Keeping Up Appearances, who labors mightily that her neighbors, friends, and family would recognize her to be the member of the upper-crust echelon she knows herself to be. For her pains, Hyacinth is arrested, misses a long-awaited cruise, loses the chance to talk to royalty and many others hilarious scenarios. The moral of the story: her slovenly older sister and her slutty younger sister enjoy life in so much more fullness because they don't strive to keep up an appearance (not that I am endorsing slovenliness or sluttiness...but it beats coffin-polishing by a mile)

So if you're tempted, as I am, to rush about, believing you are controlling other's opinion of you by keeping up an appearance, visualize yourself in this Hyacinth clip:

Three Years!

This June will mark my third year out of a cult. My journey has been packed with searching, blogging, and discovering that there are so many people on this journey with me!

Spiritual abuse is, in my opinion, an epidemic that needs to be acknowledged the faith community. No more sweeping victims under the rug! Spiritual abuse survivors need acknowledgement and validation to continue the healing process.

I want to celebrate my third anniversary by inviting readers to comment and link back their own stories of survival and escape. Know a good post about healing spiritual abuse? Please link it to this blog (If I can get Mr. Link to work :)

First step: Type the name of the post and add the URL to the actual post in Mr. Linky below.
Second step: spread the word by linking this post's URL in a post on your blog. It will give your readers a chance to add their stories.
I'll start off by adding my recent post from 'Coffin Proclivity'.

I've told my story- I want to hear yours.

picture by ccyrx18 in photobucket

Burden Up!



There are people who do not want us to be free. They don't want us to be free before God, accepted just as we are by his grace. They don't want us to be free to express our faith originally...They want to control us; they want to use us for their own purposes.

-Eugene Peterson, Travelling Light-


Vampire, pirate, and naked emperor are some of the metaphors I've likened to my abusive pastor. I've likened her brutal control tactics to hazing and the pied piper stealing away children.

The motivation for this is to understand for myself the abuse, how it was allowed to happen, and why it is continuing today.

There is a kind of dehumanizing spiritual abuse that is actually worse than the misuse of God's law. It is expressed in the ill-defined calls to "enter into the deeper life" to "surrender" to "yield"...The question sensitive hearts perpetually ask is "Have I yielded or surrendered enough?" This establishes permanent guilt feelings...The law is much less abusive, because at least it has definition.
-Ken Blue, Healing Spiritual Abuse-

A friend that left the church before I told her that he was leaving to find God for himself.

This angered her inordinately. She quoted it often, scornfully, in her three- hour sermons. She would ask the congregation why anyone would want to leave her congregation where and yes, I quote "God spoke straight over the pulpit".

I understand now why that angered her so. My friend had seen through her pretense of being a servant of God rightly dividing His Word to what she truly was: a chartlan, using fear and misdirection to keep people in bondage, serving her need for control and dominance.

There are religious leaders that turn God's word into a heavy load, demanding that their followers scrupulously follow rules they have imposed. These leaders act out of honest motives, longing to save people from themselves by their actions....a salvation that includes human achievement, hard work, personal effort, even religious deeds distorts the good news because man gets the glory, not God...Paul's twice-repeated reaction to the one who introduced the doctrinal heresy is, "Let him be accursed!" This is Paul's way of saying the person is doomed! The original word is anathema! It is the strongest single Greek term for condemnation.
-Charles Swindoll, The Grace Awakening-

Jesus had strong words to these such leaders, the Pharisees of His day:
"You're hopeless, you religion scholars and Pharisees! Frauds! You're like manicured grave plots, grass clipped and the flowers bright, but six feet down it's all rotting bones and worm-eaten flesh. People look at you and think you're saints, but beneath the skin you're total frauds."

When believers accept performance-based standards preached by their leaders, they must keep the standards or suffer from guilt because they have failed...The genius of this system is that each religious group can custom-design its heavy loads to meet its own needs.
-Ken Blue, Healing Spiritual Abuse-

My abusive pastor went far and beyond setting up good works and rule-keeping as a means of salvation. Essentially, you were saved if she said so. Members of the church that disobeyed her orders were read the scripture in Hebrews: So don't turn a deaf ear to these gracious words. If those who ignored earthly warnings didn't get away with it, what will happen to us if we turn our backs on heavenly warnings? Members that continued to "rebel" after that were reminded of Jannes and Jambores who the earth opened up and swallowed because they stood against Moses. Her orders were not commands to stay out of adultery, or gossiping.
Her orders included:
spending as much of your free time as possible with her. She alluded more then once that spending time with her would ensure people's salvation.

not voicing disagreement with her decisions or actions.

accepting whatever life choice she decided for you. Members did not marry without her approval, chose life vocations, or even go to another member's house for dinner.

Members of toxic-faith systems reach a point in their addictive progression where they make claims about themselves to set themselves apart from others. They may attempt to support these claims with Scripture. Each time Scripture is used, some followers are more motivated to serve, feeling God's special hand on the ministry and the people involved with it. Some of the most clever deceivers in history have used Scripture to foster their toxic faith. Satan had no problem in quoting Scripture to strengthen his temptations of Christ.
-Stephen Arterburn and Jack Felton, Toxic Faith-

When authority is well placed, it respects the individuals over whom it has authority. When it is not well placed, it is our responsibility to expose the abuse and be part of the solution. Christ challenged the religious authorities who turned away from God and toward rules developed by men. Christ stood up to those people and told them they were wrong...We must have the courage to follow Christ's example and overturn the system...if that system is wrong. Silent submission in the face of violence, dishonesty, and abuse will only allow that abuse to be passed to new generations.
-Stephen Arterburn and Jack Felton, Toxic Faith-

Yes, the Bible was a heavy burden to me in a Dade City church. I walked around quaking, waiting for the ground to open up and swallow me because I chose not to spend all my free time kneeling at her feet. I couldn't satisfy her- and I spent hours every week cleaning her buildings, volunteering in her ministry, and listening to her endless ranting and raving in church.

I have finally realized the truth of the matter: she would have never been satisfied with all the good works and obedience I could have produced, even if I had gone to 24-hour work days.

Her demands on me and my fellow church members were designed by, I strongly believe, Satan, to turn me into another spiritual, verbal, and emotional abuser like her or to have me take my own life in despair.

You're hopeless, you religion scholars and Pharisees! Frauds! You go halfway around the world to make a convert, but once you get him you make him into a replica of yourselves, double-dammed.
-Jesus-

I daily pray to be free from the toxic religion of my abusive pastor. I read Scriptures such as the one in Galatians: Live freely, animated and motivated by God's Spirit.





I share my story with those around me and on this blog. Every time I share, I feel more of the shame of abuse dropping away.

Jon Acuff, in a blog about hope, had this to say about dealing with past emotional hurts and looking towards a hope:

...I guess I thought after that experience, when I had come clean and had full disclosure with people and laid it all down, that things would feel a certain way. I thought forgiveness and grace would feel round and full and complete and that freedom would feel incredible. But it didn’t.

Hope was not as instantaneous and complete as I would have preferred. Sanctification was not accomplished in the span of a long weekend. And that’s when I started to learn about the three stages of hope.

Hope is one of the first things that disappears when you get lost. Your ability to see beyond your current circumstances is chased south by the shadows. Your ability to dream and plan and hold visions close to your chest fades until hope feels foreign and far away.

And when you become a Christian, there’s the temptation to think you’re doing something wrong if you don’t feel hopeful 24 hours a day, seven days a week. But here’s the thing about hope, it takes time. And sometimes, I think our greatest frustrations are when we try to force hope into a stage it’s just not ready for...We had to learn to live with a past that refused to stay quiet. As I’ve often said before, unless you deal with it, the past turns into a collection of knives hidden around your house. If you haven’t forgiven each other, then all the sudden you’ll see a character on a television show do what you did and you’ll get stabbed. Someone will make an offhand joke at a dinner party and you’ll get stabbed by that memory. So for us, learning to live with the past was about removing knives.

I work on removing the hidden knives. I avoid situations that trigger the PTSD- even if it only going to church once every two months when I feel comfortable about it.

I still struggle with mountains of fear. I run from confrontations- it held severe recriminations in the abusive church. When I had an unhappy person on the phone at my job I had my usual violent reactions fearing I was, once again, "in trouble". I had floating sensations, burning cheeks and ears, icy chills so violent my body shook, aching sinuses and a sour taste in my mouth. These reactions are the result of years of public humiliation, private verbal and physical abuse. I don't know if the reactions will ever fully go away or just slightly subside.

So the scars and reactions to them are still present. But, I am out the cult! I no longer have the burden of pleasing a anti-social dictator of a pastor. And I sure as heck don't spend hours of my life cleaning someone else's buildings for free.

My brother once expressed to a counselor that he felt so sorry for me that I spent more years in the cult than he did. The counselor replied that yes I had, but I was out of the cult and I was still alive.

So very true. I am out of the cult, out from under the burden and I am still alive.

Further Reading:

Depression and Christianity

Those Heretical Teachers

Those heretical teachers go to great lengths to flatter you but their motives are rotten. They want to shut you out of the free world of God's grace so that you will always depend on them for approval and direction, making them feel important.

Galatians 4:15 -The Message

picture by goaspride in photobucket

Burden Up in Dade City!

To be told you are a slave and must serve your master's whims without question is bad. But to be told you are free and should rejoice greatly in that glorious freedom, all the while being locked by shame and guilt into a greater bondage than the slave's is much, much worse.

This is spiritual abuse. This is legalism. A legalist binds you up with the law or their own twisted view of God all while yelling in your ear to be grateful you have them as an under-shepherd.

There is no way to disarm any man except through guilt... If there is not enough guilt, we must create it... But save us from the man of a clear conscience.
-Ayn Rand-

A man (or woman) of clear conscience was not allowed in the Dade City church I attended. A person of clear conscience cannot be manipulated by guilt.
And guilt was the favorite tool for motivation by the pastor.

I remember feeling guilty that the church didn't have enough money to cover expenses for the school's curriculum (funny, though, the pastor had at least six closets stuffed with expensive clothes).

I felt guilty for being twenty minutes late to a cleaning night for the school's end of the year program (funny, though, the pastor hardly ever participated in these cleaning nights).

Obviously, there was a pattern. The congregation felt the guilt wielded by the pastor.

Ken Blue says in Healing Spiritual Abuse:

Universally, the dominant trait of oppressive religious and governmental systems is the multiplication of rules and regulations. These serve to control behavior when kept and promote guilt when broken.

To be continued...

Shamed Conviction

This morning was rushed. I ironed my spouse’s shirt and then proceeded to my own outfit. As I ironed the black slacks, I noticed that the material ironed differently than the last time I had pressed them.

When I dressed I discovered why. They were a pair that was more form-fitting than I normally preferred. The choice was skip breakfast to iron the right pair or grab a sweater that covered my posterior.
I love breakfast so the sweater worked for me.

I arrived at work and set about my daily routine, careful to don my sweater when walking through the office.

Mid-morning I rushed to the powder room. While washing my hands, I saw, to my chagrin that I had arrived sans sweater. At that moment I thought, “I feel convicted about these pants.”

A light turned on in the recess of my brain. I didn’t feel convicted. I felt shamed.
Shame had been meticulously and lovingly hardwired into my psyche by an abusive pastor (my story) Shame was my abuser’s choice tool to keep me subjected.

Eugene Peterson explains it succinctly in the preface to Galatians:

“When men and women get their hands on religion, one of the first things they often do is turn it into an instrument for controlling others, either putting or keeping them “in their place”.

–The Message, Re-Mix-

I had not set out to wear pants that outlined my figure more clearly. I certainly had no intention of seducing someone with my less-than-svelte figure.

And yet, standing in the bathroom, I felt shamed.

I felt shame because I had been taught that clothes that don’t hide every outline of your body are evil. Those that wear them do so because they are focused on lust and what they can procure with their body.

Recognizing the feeling as shame and not as conviction, I set about re-wiring my brain. And for someone fed almost daily for two decades on shame and guilt it is no easy process.

I realize now that my abuser relished the effects that shame produce:

Shame drives you away from the reassuring knowledge that God loves you and has provided a covering for your sins.

Shame gifts you with an overwhelming need to do penance.

Shame chains you to the person that tells you they can sway an angry god to your favor.

My abuser profited royally from the shame she wreaked upon her congregation: she shamed into working in her cleaning business. She shamed into leaving actual family behind to choose her as ‘the true family of God’. She shamed till she caused a young man to choose death over life.
Shame is deadly, not godly.

One of my favorite blogs,My Teen Mania Experience said it best:

“Last time I checked, the only person who uses shame as a tool is the devil. Jesus came to set us free from shame.

The blogger goes on to describe his experience:

"Falling asleep in class isn't even a sin! No wonder interns despair so deeply when they commit an actual sin. If there is great shame in sleeping in class, there must be even greater shame in real sin. (Of course there is no mention about whether driving interns to exhaustion is sin.)”

(Click Shame on You to read full article.)

If someone is using shame to “save your soul” take my advice and run as far away from them as possible.

Further Reading:
Mice in Our Couches
How Does Jesus Love You

"Prayer" by the_spainard in photobucket

Informative Links

If you scroll down the blog you will notice a sidebar titled "Informative Blogs". I highly recommend each of them as they are excellent resources on recognizing and escaping spiritual abuse.

There are several links that I would like to bring to the top of the list due to their relevant topics:

1. Signs of Spiritual Abuse by the blog "Religious Cults in the South"
2. Newspaper in California Cover Spiritual Abuse and Red Flags by the blogger "Provender"
3. Strong Delusion and What We Lose by Danny Bryant
4. The Grieving Process: Depression & Loneliness by the Blogger My Teen Mania Experience
5. Conversations About Spiritual Abuse by Pluck’s Blog

Hope For the New Year

It is my fervent hope that one day my ex-pastor will awaken to the knowledge that she is an abuser. I pray that she will confess her sins and make recompense to those she has wounded in God's name.

This is the link to a letter I wrote in the throes of the PTSD I experienced after leaving the cult.

I know she has read the letter. It served to only enrage her.

I wish she would come to the true knowledge of God's saving grace.

Halloween Post Three: There Are Zombies on the Loose

"You're hopeless, you religion scholars and Pharisees! Frauds! You go halfway around the world to make a convert, but once you get him you make him into a replica of yourselves, double-damned."

-Matthew 23:15-

I highly recommend Stephen Arteburn’s book, Toxic Faith. In the course of describing faith that has gone from helpful to harmful, he lists signs of a toxic church.

Here are ten of those signs:

The leader must be in control of every aspect at all times
When problems arise, a guilty party must be found immediately to bear the blame.
No mistakes are allowed
Never point out the reality of the situation-[i.e. the leader is wrong, was unkind, etc.]
Never express your feelings unless they are positive
DON”T ASK QUESTIONS (capitals mine)
Don’t do anything outside of your role-[i.e. visiting a church member on your own, etc]
DON”T TRUST ANYONE (capitals mine)
Nothing is MORE IMPORTANT than giving money to the organization/and or pastor (capitals mine)
AT ALL COSTS, keep up the image of the organization [pastor] (capitals mine)

Having grown up in a fundamental cult, I can attest that each of these signs is a red flag that a church is metamorphosing into a cult.

A healthy church has no need to “make” followers. People are draw by healthy aspects of the church such as community service programs, fellowship, bible study groups, etc.

Cults create their followers. The cult leader recognizes a vulnerability or need in a prospective member and cultivates that area instead of strengthening the vulnerability or meeting the need.

When evaluating an existing church dynamic or determining a new church home, be critical of everything you feel and see. Does the congregation lavish unwarranted praise on the pastor/leader? Does the leader/pastor’s attention to new members seem excessive? Is the situation just a little too holy, a little too good to true.

Be careful. This too shiny, too perfect pastor may be a cult leader in disguise. In Halloween terms, he’s a zombie. And a zombie’s life achievement is to make other zombies.

Wolves Among The Sheep: When Narcissism Invades the Church

I am not a professional mental health care provider. This post should in no way be used as a means to decide if an individual in your life is a narcissist. The purpose of this post is to relate my experience of a pastor who I believe to be is narcissist. If you feel you are in an abusive relationship with a narcissist, you should contact your local support line for abused individuals.

I believe I spent the better part of my life subjected to the whims of a narcissistic pastor.
Not until freeing myself of her control did I realize this fact.
She was like the mythical vampire that sucked the life blood of my personhood, my spirituality, my understanding of God.
After researching narcissim, I am begining to believe that this abusive pastor only survived by the 'preying' she did on 'her' church members. In retrospect I can see that she truly had no sense of self.
Oh, she ranted and raved about the world and it's ungodly state. Upon research, however, I see that she was merely mimicing beliefs held by the relgious movement in which she grew up.
A WebMD interview with author Sam Vaknin shed further light on my experiences with her. He describes the narcissist as:

A Narcissist (notice the capital N) has no sense of self. If not reflected by others, he feels annulled, dead, void. It is a harrowing experience (I went through it once). It is like being separated to molecules and suspended in mid air...[They have]hyper-dependence on the views of others, sense of entitlement, a manipulative and exploitative nature, sadism, emotional absence, grandiosity -- incommensurate with real achievements, hyper-reactivity to criticism, delusions of reference...Narcissists are shrewd, shifty, manipulative and mental health professionals are easily deceived and fall prey to the narcissist's False Self (roughly the image that he projects).

Removing the terror of her absolute authority, I am able to see my abuser clearly- and her substance is as clear as air.
She had no original thoughts: her gripes, beliefs, conclusions on the world around her were taken verbatim from the few magazines she read and movies she watched.
She based an entire sermon on a "Touched By An Angel" episode. While the show was inspirational, it hardly merited a three hour sermon.
Many of her life stories were false or stolen from another person's experience.
In one instance she took another church member's account of a near robbery and re-spun it as her own tale.
Vaknin says:

...narcissists have no or very little personality -- they have only or mostly their reflection. That's why they need others, dependent on them for their very self-definition.

I saw this "feeding" happen repeatedly.
Following her three hour sermon, church members would stand and 'testify' of the power and life-changing experience of listening to her words.
If there was no testimonies, she would stalk home in a rage only to return next service and give the parishioners hell for not "heeding God' Word".
I remember in one instance that several church members were excited about the sequel of a Hallmark movie. The movie coincided with the Sunday night service. When the service finished early, they rushed to a back room where a TV was kept to catch the last few minutes of the movie.
When the pastor was informed of this, she publicly berated the parishioners for caring more about a worldly thing such as a movie more than her sermon.
I was berated from the pulpit for saying I had enjoyed a walk in the woods.
According to her, I should have said how thankful I was to be hearing God's Word that she preached.
She was depending on me to lavish her words with her praise. I had not. Therefore she punished me in the most effective way she could muster: to publically humilate. Vaknin projects that, as narcissists survive by manpulation, they themselves are easy prey to it:

My book says that narcissists are easily identifiable and that, once identified, can be easily manipulated. The need to manipulate them arises out of their propensity to destroy everything and everyone around them. To manipulate a narcissist is to survive. It is a survival tactic of the victims of narcissists.

I saw this effect often in her relationships with those who, in her words, "stayed close".
When one of these "close members" wanted a favor from her, they would come and kneel down before her as she sat in a chair. Adoringly, the person would call her "Mom" and praise her recent sermons. They would speak of how her words influenced them to change their sinfully ways- how convicted they felt as God's Word spoken through her fell on their ears.
Then, almost as an after thought, the person would mention the favor: permission to go see a relative or perhaps go on vacation.
Enthralled with the 'reflection' just showered on her by the cunning 'close one', she would, in most instances capitualate.
I often wonder if, severed from the church members who enable her, would she exist? No, I don't think so. I believe she would wither into nothingnes without her supply of their constant adulation.
I wish I could read to these remaining church members Vaknin's warning of the effect a narcissist has:

Accommodate them, flatter them, adore them, admire them or get out of their way -- and fast. They are vindictive. They are aggressive. They are emotionless. In short: they can be dangerous to your health.

I have heard some people say that they can and do love narcissists. I, personally, find it unhealthy (see my FAQ 66 co-authored with Alice Ratzlaff). It is a variant of co-dependence with more than a tinge of masochism.

To live with a narcissist is to endure torturous uncertainty, unpredictability, capriciousness, cruelty -- sprinkled with technicolor displays of "magnanimity," "largesse," and "brilliance".

The narcissist -- forced to obtain his supply of emotional drug is also forced to cater to SOME of the needs of his sources of supply. But he does so only grudgingly and reverts immediately to his former, degrading, abusive, behavior.

Skulduggery:Pirates On The High Seas Of Religon Part 1

The high seas, tempest-tossed galleons, crossed swords: the mental picture I conjure when I hear the word skulduggery.
Pirates- this word evokes images of eighteenth and nineteenth century men (and sometimes women) festooned in gold and ragged pants hell bent on obtaining treasure.

Webster's Online dictionary defines skulduggery as:
1. Verbal misrepresentation intended to take advantage of you in some way
Dictionary.com says a pirate can be: 3.any plunderer, predator, etc.: confidence men, slumlords, and other pirates.
Erase the dreadlocked Johnny Depp image and see instead the toxic pastor, hell bent on maintaining his or her death grip on the spirituality of their flock.
On the blog What Really Matters, the author lists characteristics of a controlling leader:

The Controlling Leader
Here is a list of characteristics of a controlling leader:

*Preoccupied with his own needs being met, while the needs of his subordinates are ignored

*Preoccupied with looking good, labors to keep up appearances

*Seeks honorific titles and special privileges that elevates him above the group

*Promotes a class system with himself at the top

*Demands loyalty and honor

*Speaks often of his authority, constantly reminding everyone that he is in charge

*Stifles any criticism that puts him in a bad light

*Majors on minor issues and neglects the truly important ones

*Speech is vague and confusing when he is defending himself

*Feels the need to embellish the truth and make things appear more or less grand than they really are

*Speaks out boldly on wrong behavior, even when involved in that same behavior

*Believes people are extremely bad or wonderful, depending on the amount of support offered to him

*Motivated by greed

*Impressed with material goods and those who have them

*Fears sexual inadequacy

*Feels he is owed something

*Lives in a false world where he is convinced he is right

*Surrounds himself with people who are insecure and easily swayed

*Manipulates others using guilt, shame, and remorse

*Tries to come across confident in an attempt to cover up his insecurity

*Blames others for his own failures

*Is not involved in any accountable relationships and has no intimate relationships

*When in a bind he will ask for forgiveness and appear sincere in doing so

*Fears not measuring up or losing his image

*Needs professional help

Go to http://setfree0408.blogspot.com/2009/04/controlling-leader.html to read more

Charles Swindoll has this to say about these grace-killing, controlling pirate pastors:

They kill freedom, spontaneity, and creativity; they kill joy as well as productivity. They kill with their words and their pens and their looks...their bullying tactics continue unchecked...This day-this very moment-millions who should be free, productive individuals are living in shame, fear and intimidation. The tragedy is they think it is the way they should be. They never know the truth that could set them free. They are victimized, existing as if they are living on death row.

These poor cult members have been locked so long in the bilge of the leader's preoccupation with self-satisfaction that they have forgotten the pure air of true spiritual freedom, grace.

Friday Quote (on Saturday)

"Quick! I am sane now. If only I could get out of this enchanted chair, it would last. But every night they bind me, and so every night my chance is gone. But you are not enemies. I am not your prisoner. Quick! Cut these cords."

-C.S. Lewis- The Silver Chair

Remember There Will Be Easter Morning

In the post "Good Friday Quote", I quoted from Brock and Bodie Thoene's book
All Rivers To The Sea.
Kate, scarred from past tragedies and facing fresh fear in the potato famine, reminds herself of words that bore her through the past scars:

Grieve like Mary at the grave for all you cannot understand.
Give up to God the hopes your love has begotten.
Mourn at the tomb of what you've lost.
Then give up to God what you cannot change.
Remember there will be Easter morning.
Resurrection.
Hope in that alone.
Bear your scars with joy.

That is where I stand on this Easter morning. I've grieved for the years lived in torment and fear of human.
I'm giving up to God the hopes that the abuse will end, for truly only from Him can come the freedom from the dark power of spiritual oppression.
I've mourned for friends who count me as one dead.
I cannot change one aspect of the abuse, past or continuing- so I place my faith in a faithful Creator.
And I remember that Easter morning does come.
All that is dead in darkness and pain will be changed in His power and resurrected in gladness by His grace.
So, I have reached a fork in my path.
I won't forget my past, nor do I want to. It is mine- I lived it, the good, the bad, the ugly, the beautiful.
For me, it's time to close the book and not read the page of rage and hurt anymore.
I feel a bit like Bilbo Baggins when he said :

It's a dangerous business, going out your door. You step onto the road, and if you don't keep your feet, there's no telling where you might be swept off to.

I've stepped on the road of freedom and there is no knowing what wonderful adventures I will have.
So, I feel I've buried the enslaved, fearful Dobby part of myself in the quiet grave by the sea and thrown the ring of memories in the fires of Mt. Doom.
Because I am me, I have a few last words for the person who, for many years, held such a place of absolute control over my mind:

To My Former Pastor:
Did you know the apostle Paul was once the same as you?
He was a spiritual abuser- the ultimate kind: If one didn't believe as he thought one should or practice one's faith according to his rules, he had that person killed.
Chuck Swindoll, in his book The Grace Awakening , called him a grace killer.
There is an incredible twist to Paul's story- he didn't remain a grace killer and a spiritual abuser. He had a grace awakening.
He went on to vehemently fight against the effects of grace killers:

O you dear idiots of Galatia, who saw Jesus crucified so plainly, who has been casting a spell over you? I shall ask you a simple question...Surely you can't be so idiotic as to think that a man begins his spiritual life in the Spirit and then completes it by reverting to outward observances?

I hope that your story has the same redeeming twist. I hope grace awakens in your life: grace to let others follow God for themselves, grace to cease seeing yourself as God's judgement stone and God's rule enforcer.
Because, you see, God doesn't need a rule enforcer.
He is full of grace and His grace has given each and everyone the gift of choice.
He graced us with the gift of choice of where to spend eternity. Max Lucado says in his book He Chose The Nails:

There are times when God sends thunder to stir us. There are times when God send blessings to lure us. But there are times when God sends nothing but silence as He honors us with the freedom to choose where we spend eternity.

I believe that you honestly feel you are doing God's work by forcing people to salvation by your rules and regulations. Salvation by keeping a choke hold on their identity and freedom of choice. By giving your judgment on people now so God won't have to do it later, at His second return to earth.
You employed every skulduggery tactic available (lying, cheating, mind-control, phone-tapping, shadowing-should I go on?) to aid you in your endeavor.
You have significantly materially profited from stealing other's money and time- so all your motives haven't been squeakily clean and noble.
You are so angry any time someone speaks the truth of your actions.
You say they are motivated by evil, trying to destroy God' work.
I believe this reaction is due to the fact that you truly believe in your self-appointed title.
I challenge you to look at your flock.
Are they genuinely happy?
Do they abound in peace?
Are their actions motivated by fear of you or love?
I know I was motivated by absolute terror when I was under your control.
I remember that you dutifully squashed anyone who threatened your control out of a sincere belief you had to control the flock to keep them safe under 'God's Umbrella'.
You have chosen a heavy burden trying to maintain people's salvation through fear.
I hope you stand at the foot of the cross, like the weary Pilgrim, and let your terrible burden tumble off your back.
I hope you find grace.
The grace to let go and let others be.
For people will never grow up in Christ as long as they live by your opinion and your word. It isn't your job to be every one's conscience.
Quoting from Grace Awakening once again:

Grace...brings a freedom to enjoy the privileges of being out from under slavery and allowing other such freedom...It is a freedom to become all that He meant me to be, regardless of how He leads others... I can be me...and freedom is then released to others so they can be who they are meant to be-different from me!

The apostle Paul let grace explode his horizons- as I hope you will.
You have golden years to live- why not set your flock free from paralyzing fear so they may live theirs?

I am praying for you and for those you control.

Truly,
A Toxic Sheep No More

"Promise me that you'll give faith a fighting chance,
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance.
I hope you dance....I hope you dance. "




I really hope you choose to dance.









road image by jacedesbff in photobucket
dance image by carolinegrasso in photobucket