Hope For the New Year

It is my fervent hope that one day my ex-pastor will awaken to the knowledge that she is an abuser. I pray that she will confess her sins and make recompense to those she has wounded in God's name.

This is the link to a letter I wrote in the throes of the PTSD I experienced after leaving the cult.

I know she has read the letter. It served to only enrage her.

I wish she would come to the true knowledge of God's saving grace.

Remember There Will Be Easter Morning

In the post "Good Friday Quote", I quoted from Brock and Bodie Thoene's book
All Rivers To The Sea.
Kate, scarred from past tragedies and facing fresh fear in the potato famine, reminds herself of words that bore her through the past scars:

Grieve like Mary at the grave for all you cannot understand.
Give up to God the hopes your love has begotten.
Mourn at the tomb of what you've lost.
Then give up to God what you cannot change.
Remember there will be Easter morning.
Resurrection.
Hope in that alone.
Bear your scars with joy.

That is where I stand on this Easter morning. I've grieved for the years lived in torment and fear of human.
I'm giving up to God the hopes that the abuse will end, for truly only from Him can come the freedom from the dark power of spiritual oppression.
I've mourned for friends who count me as one dead.
I cannot change one aspect of the abuse, past or continuing- so I place my faith in a faithful Creator.
And I remember that Easter morning does come.
All that is dead in darkness and pain will be changed in His power and resurrected in gladness by His grace.
So, I have reached a fork in my path.
I won't forget my past, nor do I want to. It is mine- I lived it, the good, the bad, the ugly, the beautiful.
For me, it's time to close the book and not read the page of rage and hurt anymore.
I feel a bit like Bilbo Baggins when he said :

It's a dangerous business, going out your door. You step onto the road, and if you don't keep your feet, there's no telling where you might be swept off to.

I've stepped on the road of freedom and there is no knowing what wonderful adventures I will have.
So, I feel I've buried the enslaved, fearful Dobby part of myself in the quiet grave by the sea and thrown the ring of memories in the fires of Mt. Doom.
Because I am me, I have a few last words for the person who, for many years, held such a place of absolute control over my mind:

To My Former Pastor:
Did you know the apostle Paul was once the same as you?
He was a spiritual abuser- the ultimate kind: If one didn't believe as he thought one should or practice one's faith according to his rules, he had that person killed.
Chuck Swindoll, in his book The Grace Awakening , called him a grace killer.
There is an incredible twist to Paul's story- he didn't remain a grace killer and a spiritual abuser. He had a grace awakening.
He went on to vehemently fight against the effects of grace killers:

O you dear idiots of Galatia, who saw Jesus crucified so plainly, who has been casting a spell over you? I shall ask you a simple question...Surely you can't be so idiotic as to think that a man begins his spiritual life in the Spirit and then completes it by reverting to outward observances?

I hope that your story has the same redeeming twist. I hope grace awakens in your life: grace to let others follow God for themselves, grace to cease seeing yourself as God's judgement stone and God's rule enforcer.
Because, you see, God doesn't need a rule enforcer.
He is full of grace and His grace has given each and everyone the gift of choice.
He graced us with the gift of choice of where to spend eternity. Max Lucado says in his book He Chose The Nails:

There are times when God sends thunder to stir us. There are times when God send blessings to lure us. But there are times when God sends nothing but silence as He honors us with the freedom to choose where we spend eternity.

I believe that you honestly feel you are doing God's work by forcing people to salvation by your rules and regulations. Salvation by keeping a choke hold on their identity and freedom of choice. By giving your judgment on people now so God won't have to do it later, at His second return to earth.
You employed every skulduggery tactic available (lying, cheating, mind-control, phone-tapping, shadowing-should I go on?) to aid you in your endeavor.
You have significantly materially profited from stealing other's money and time- so all your motives haven't been squeakily clean and noble.
You are so angry any time someone speaks the truth of your actions.
You say they are motivated by evil, trying to destroy God' work.
I believe this reaction is due to the fact that you truly believe in your self-appointed title.
I challenge you to look at your flock.
Are they genuinely happy?
Do they abound in peace?
Are their actions motivated by fear of you or love?
I know I was motivated by absolute terror when I was under your control.
I remember that you dutifully squashed anyone who threatened your control out of a sincere belief you had to control the flock to keep them safe under 'God's Umbrella'.
You have chosen a heavy burden trying to maintain people's salvation through fear.
I hope you stand at the foot of the cross, like the weary Pilgrim, and let your terrible burden tumble off your back.
I hope you find grace.
The grace to let go and let others be.
For people will never grow up in Christ as long as they live by your opinion and your word. It isn't your job to be every one's conscience.
Quoting from Grace Awakening once again:

Grace...brings a freedom to enjoy the privileges of being out from under slavery and allowing other such freedom...It is a freedom to become all that He meant me to be, regardless of how He leads others... I can be me...and freedom is then released to others so they can be who they are meant to be-different from me!

The apostle Paul let grace explode his horizons- as I hope you will.
You have golden years to live- why not set your flock free from paralyzing fear so they may live theirs?

I am praying for you and for those you control.

Truly,
A Toxic Sheep No More

"Promise me that you'll give faith a fighting chance,
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance.
I hope you dance....I hope you dance. "




I really hope you choose to dance.









road image by jacedesbff in photobucket
dance image by carolinegrasso in photobucket

Letter to Ex- Pastor

This letter is one more step in my healing process. Because of all the abuse (spiritual, emotional, mental, and physical) that happened to me in my years at a Dade City church, I have Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.Guess what triggers my PTSD episodes?You got it- church!!!!One day I hope to be healed to the point that I don’t throw up when I walk into a church.
God, grant healing to all who have suffered spiritual abuse and grant us restoration.
God, grant understanding to our abusers. Let them come to the knowledge that they are abusers. Let the abused and the abuser find healing in Your love.
God, break the circle of pain.
Amen.


Dear [name withheld], pastor of a Dade City church,
It is a strain to marry a polite greeting to your name, but as we live in a polite society and I am conforming to society rules of formal opening, the greeting remains.
Enough blathering.
The point of my letter is to inform you that are a spiritual abuser.
I don’t know if your abusive tendencies arise from your past?Perhaps you were a recipient of abuse from your family or even another church leader?This I don’t know the answer to, and in actuality, it is a moot point as you are the only one who knows in certainty. Perhaps you have never heard the term “spiritual abuser”.
Let me clarify.
In the book “The Subtle Power of Spiritual Abuse”, authors Johnson and Vonderen explain how spiritual abuse is parallel to family system abuse:

“In a healthy, functional family system, the parents occupy a place of authority
in order to provide need-meeting relationships, experiences, and messages to the
children…When a parent uses his or her position to force the children to perform, or uses a too-harsh standard to judge by, or uses the position of power to gratify [her] own needs…the parent has crossed the line into abuse… When a child trusts, and then is emotionally, verbally, physically, or sexually used for an adult’s gratification, that is abuse.”

[name withheld], you haven’t just crossed the line into abuse- you have built a kingdom with it and into it.
In your belief that you are God’s judgment stone you have made yourself and those who support you into ‘God’s lynching crew. You have spiritually, emotionally, and physically ‘lynched’ people’s God-given right of person hood and equality. I hate to be the one to tell you, but God never advertised for a ‘judgment stone-spiritual lynching assistant’.
Perhaps you should check your hiring papers- you might find a signature on there you wouldn’t like.
Nathan told David a parable of a rich man who stole the poor man’s sheep to feed his guest.
[name withheld], you didn’t just steal your poor neighbor’s sheep to feed your guest. You, the ‘shepherd’, took your own sheep to feed yourself.
You are the woman.
I say this, not as a judge- that isn’t my place.
I say this a fellow child of Christ.
In Matthew 18: 15 Christ says,

“If a brother or sister sins, go and point out the fault, just
between the two of you. If they listen to you, you have won them over. But if they will not listen, take one or two along, so that every matter maybe established by the testimony of two or three witnesses.”

You have had many ‘private pointing outs’, so I am coming with two or three witnesses of this blog.
As God created you, [name withheld], a creation in His own image, He loves you. He provided you a Sacrifice that will cover every abuse you have perpetrated. Christ will take every destructive action, word, and thought you have committed on His very own Body of believers on Himself- He will cover them with His precious blood. As a fellow child of Christ, I urge you to take the Advocate God has allowed you. He will take your sentence, as He has mine, on His very Self.
If you choose to ignore this Advocate, I would remind you that, as God is mercy, He is equally justice.A dire warning for offenders is in Luke 17:1:

“…Things that cause people to stumble are bound to come, but woe to anyone through whom they come. It would be better for you to be thrown into the sea with a millstone tied about your neck than for you to cause one of these little ones to stumble. So watch yourselves.”

As you are so fond of saying-‘I didn’t say that, God did’.
In the name of grace of peace, I ask you to come forward, admit your abuse, and break the cycle of pain. Remember Zacchaeus? Christ came to his house and the tax collector turned from his abuse of the people.
Let Christ come to your house.
Turn from your abuse.
Repay back what you have stolen.
You often portray yourself as a ‘David’ to those who have turned from you ‘Saul’.You say they plot for your life, awaiting your ruin. I say to you that the opposite is true. Those you have abused and stolen from haven’t taken you to task for your wrongs against them. They have moved on with their lives, growing and maturing into the humans they were meant to be be, the people they would have been without your abuse.They go on bravely, facing years wasted in your service, money given to bolster your kingdom (not God’s) that you have built.You, on the other hand, pursue them with prayers for their demise, for their destructive and violent end. You see God as your ‘long arm of the law’.I would re-think the whole Saul and David scenario.
You aren’t David.
I don’t wish to descend into a ‘Jerry-Springer-ish’ orgy of blame throwing, so I will bring this letter to it’s close.I want you to know that you are an abuser. I also want you to know that there is forgiveness and grace.If you choose forgiveness, I want you to know that with about ten years of good counseling I will able to stand in the same room as you to hear the true account of your life. By then I will have gotten over my ‘house- elf’ mentality and won’t cringe or throw-up when I see your face.
And I was a good house-elf for you. I took your abuse and your mentality that I was less than human and put here on earth purposely to serve you.As you were the ‘master’ and I but the lowly house-elf, I kept your secrets. My mind and soul punished me severely when I dared think or say that you were wrong.
No more!!!!!!! I am free!
You are not material of Voldemort proportion- however; you are definitely Malfoy status. As Dobby the house-elf says in ‘Prisoner of Azcaban’:

“You are a bad, dark wizard”.
Now I am a free house-elf and I may work for when and for whom I choose.
If the ‘Harry Potter’ references offend you, I was glad to be of service one last time.
[name withheld], for your immortal soul’s sake, choose repentance.End the abuse.
Restore what you have stolen and come into the waiting arms of forgiveness,

A fellow child in Christ

This is my ‘Amos 5:24’ prayer:
“But let justice roll on like a river, righteousness like a never-ending
stream!”
Pray God His justice will roll through a Dade City church and wash away the pain and abuse.