And she wrote a book...

If you have read more than four posts on this site you have figured out that I adore blogger Elizabeth Esther.
EE's posts stage with brilliant clarity the struggle of life outside after abuse inside a cult.
She is real time and transparent with her heart break and humor.
All that said: Best news ever! She wrote a book.
I am pre-ordering now...

Not Of My Making: Saturday Blogstop By Author Margaret W. Jones, Ph.D

As I stated in the previous post, reading Not of My Making: Bullying, Scapegoating and Misconduct in Churches encouraged and validated me in my journey out of spiritual abuse.
On completing the book I had several questions for Margaret. Read our Q&A below:

In the chapter Apologies, you describe a conversation between yourself and Rev. Karen in which she alternately accuses and then abruptly agrees with you about an article you sent to several people as well as about a conversation between yourself and a woman named Jessica.

I see in Rev. Karen shades of the toxic pastor of the cult I was in: always controlling the conversation between parishioners in a disagreement. The offended party was required to 'counsel' with her. She would then go and speak to the 'offensive' party alone. There was never a conciliatory meeting with everyone present. In that way she 'controlled' the disagreement for her own purposes: to keep tension and discontent seething in parishioner's relationships.

"Rev. Karen was in the middle, controlling and directing communication. We were never going to resolve things this way."

If someone finds themselves in a 'controlled' disagreement (where an authority leader is manipulating the circumstances to gain power by the situation), how should they try to proceed with reconciliation?

There is little you can do unless the person who has gone to the pastor is willing to speak to you directly. I tried to get people to meet with me but my efforts were thwarted probably by Rev. Karen. In my family of origin almost all communication between my older siblings and I went through my parents. We are not encouraged to communicate directly with each other. When my eldest sister and I realized this we decided we would begin calling each other directly. This decreased my parent’s power and improved my relationship with my sister. The key here, however, it was a mutual decision between my sister and me. As adults we also had sufficient power and freedom to take action. In the more closed, controlled environment of Immanuel there was nothing more I could do. I regret not walking away sooner.

In my experience and the accounts I have read of others' spiritual abuse, a sure sign of a toxic/abusive church environment is when 'bad behaviors' (i.e. gossiping, back-stabbing, demeaning words and actions) are encouraged by the church leaders. The 'bad behavior' subjected you to emotional and mental torture and eventually bullied you out of that church. If a parishioner finds himself the target of such behaviors, what advice would you offer?

Without the support of the church leadership there is very little you can do. It is analogous to bullying in schools. While there are things the victim can say and do to defend themselves more effectively than I did, without leadership support it is like trying to climb Mt. Everest without a base camp. The painful reality is that you most likely should leave and find a church that not only preaches the gospel but also strives to walk the talk.

If you choose to stay and try to resolve things, don’t go to church alone. Make sure you have an ally with you. Bullies are less likely to attack if they think you have a supporter. If people say things to you directly, that gives you a chance to defend yourself. Learn what to say. Own your beliefs, use humor if possible, ask questions of your attacker. On Bullies2Buddies.com there is a manual for kids that are being bullied. It is useful for adults too. Also on a CD he sells there is a track called Izzy’s Game. It is worth listening to. You can also try to speak directly to the person gossiping about you. Finally, read your church’s constitution and figure out what your rights are.

Many 'churched' people are uncomfortable when someone shares their tale of spiritual abuse. Do you think it might be that they feel it gives God "bad press"?

No, I think they are worried it gives their church and themselves bad press. It is also a case of what psychologists call cognitive dissonance. They have certain beliefs about being churched and here comes this person talking about how poorly they were treated. It doesn’t fit their beliefs about church so they reject the messenger. That way they don’t have to modify their behavior or beliefs. There is a good discussion of this in Bishop Geoffrey Robinson’s book, Confronting Power and Sex in the Catholic Church. In the chapter on spiritual healing, Bishop Robinson writes:

'Within a church community … The abuser will invariably be a person of power and will have a far stronger position in the community than the victim. This means that the abuser will be far more important to the meaning-making of the members of the community than the victim is. Making meaning of life is a long and arduous process and people do not like to see it upset. All too frequently their non-verbal, and even verbal, message to the victim will be, ‘We were content before you spoke out. You are a threat to our very system of meaning-making. Go away, leave this community and lest us go back to our former certainties.’

This really isn’t any different than what the victim goes through. The victim must reassess beliefs about the world, friendship, God etc. The difference is that the victim cannot resolve the dissonance by saying he or she lied because they know the truth of what happened to them. Bystanders can dismiss the victim as a liar or as someone who mentally deranged and unstable. A luxury the victim does not have.

I have benefited greatly from reading Not of My Making - I wholeheartedly recommend it.

Click on the title below to receive 35% off of Margaret's book:

Not of My Making: Bullying, Scapegoating and Misconduct in Churches

Post your questions or comments for Margaret at toxicsheepnomore@yahoo.com or below in the comment section.

Blinded By False Love

My Sister and I entered "the Cult" life when I was 12 and she was 10 when our parents enrolled us into what seems a very innocent church/school. Unbeknown to my parents this was a very big mistake. They were quite impressed by the warm greeting they received from the teacher and principal , even some of the church members greeted us with extreme courtesy. I remember thinking where were all the kids , not realizing that "the church kids" I were my age , but were dressed and looked as if they were in there 20's and 30's. The girls wore dresses and skirts that I had seen at the "old lady " departments in Dillard's and Bealls. The boys were wearing dress coats and old style pants that I had seen on older men of their 50's.I couldn't even imagine conforming to wearing those clothes and styling my hair the way they did. Well soon after we starting school , I was immersed into how kind I was treated and gifts started to get laid down at my feet. I was honored with "people person" and varies other awards. I couldn't help but think WOW they must really think I'm special and I just ate it up ! I began staying after school more and helping around the church property with the "church kids". Slowly I fell into a pit of FALSE LOVE. The Principal asked me and my sister to call her Granny and made us feel obligated to give her Grandmother cards for Mother's day and Birthday presents on her birthday. In fact I will never forget her birthday and it was always a feeling of panic that came over the church on what gift would be honored to her sight.Me being the very observant person that I am , watched consistently to see the give and take of what I thought was a "family" love. Everyone was called Sister and Brother , and if you were really blessed in her sight than some were called Aunt and Uncle. My sister and I began going to every service Tuesday night, Wed Night, Sat Night , Sunday Morning and Sunday Night....each service we hid the many journals we were made to write it from our parents. "Granny" made us think our parents were "worldly " and "living for men" , so we began to rebel against them , saying that our "real family" was on that hill (the cult) and that we wanted to walk with God. Looking back I know I hurt my parents probably very deeply for some of the comments we made to them. Unlike the families in the church we owned TV's and had pants in our closets, this gave us the advantage to stay in tact with everyday life. But when my family wanted to get together to go swimming or the movies we made excuses that we were too busy and didn't want to join them.

We became the "CHURCH KIDS" and with that title we were ridiculed in church for having " the look of Satan" on our faces and I in particular wanted to sleep with every man in church and was called several times at Harlot and had the Spirit of Lust allllll over me. My Sister had the Spirit of Pride and was told that she was getting fat and could start wearing the pastor's hand me downs (sizes 16 plus) she was humiliated over and over again. We were matched with two boys in the church and we told that it was the Lord's perfect plan for us to be there for them.

There are many stories of pain I could write , but the one incident that stopped the insanity of following this false love was a prayer meeting on the Tuesday night before Feb 4th (my sister's birthday). My so called "Granny" shook me violently in front of all the church members and screamed into my ear that "I was letting the Lusting Spirit take over my life". Well to my sister that was the straw that broke the camels back. That night she went home to our parents and told them everything that was going on for 6 years while we were there. I begged her not to, but later on realized how right she was for reaching out for help. The next day my parents withdrew us out of school and we were pulled away ,literally forever from those (sisters, aunts, uncles, brothers) we loved and depended on while we were in that place.....they looked at us in horror and I'm sure some of them wished they could go with us . It was like we had to learn how to live all over again, we were so hidden for so many years.

Perfect by Nature

Icons of Self Indulgence
Just what we all need
More lies about the World

That never was and never will be
Have you no shame, don't you see me
You know you've got everybody fooled

Look here she comes now
Bow down and stare in wonder
Oh how we love you
No flaws when your pretending
But I know she....

That never was and never will be
Have you no shame, don't you see me
You know you've got everybody fooled

Without a mask
Where will you hide
Can't find yourself
Lost in your lies
I Know the TRUTH now
I Know who you are
And I don't love you anymore

By Blinded By False Love