For three years I have wept, agonized, and drove my husband batty
with this issue:
I don’t deserve humane treatment (why should I? My ex-pastor
preached five- services- a- week about my DESPERTELY. WICKED. HEART.) *read Elizabeth Esther’s excellent post on the subject here*
After leaving the cult I frantically searched for people to make my
decisions for me. I shouldn’t be trusted…right? A desperately wicked heart beats
in my widdle tin chest.
I tried to give the power to my husband (he wised up
and hands the decisions back), Co-workers (Oh bad move, bad move), and friends
(oh WORSE move, MUCH WORSE move).
I morphed from sweet, plump, affable Ethel into monkey-wielding
Elfaba (You know…the girl in green. Read Gregory McGuire’s book)
Why?
Simple. I hit the wall and hit it hard.
You, your body, your emotions are not a limitless resource. If you
pour the lion share of your precious ounces of energy, hearts, and brains into
pleasing others, making them happy, or resourcing their schemes YOU WILL BURN
OUT.
Listen to me peeps. I’ll say it again: YOU. BURN OUT. TURN GREEN.
THROW MONKEYS.
Manipulative and controlling people are on the prowl for folks like
me. I am crack to their power-tripping needs. I am an easy mark.
“When
someone shows you who they are, believe them the first
time.” Maya
Angelou
I will not lie to you. Giving up approval addiction is not for the
faint of heart. It is a journey.
I happened upon this handy-dandy guide to being a
‘pleasant’ person without slamming into the proverbial wall of bad to no
boundaries.
The book is well worth the buy. Dr. Carter includes lessons (it is a work
book for a small group) and itemized lists.
Here is one such list:
Imbalanced
People Pleasing
1) Encourages others
to take advantage of you in disrespectful ways
2) Plays into the
self-serving schemes of others
3) Allows false guilt
or fear to be a motivator for behavior
4) Permits your
direction to be based on the reactions of others
5) Demonstrates
emotions are suppressed
6) LEADS TO FEELINGS
OF BURNOUT
7) Tries to take
responsibility for others’ happiness
8) Lives with a
‘walking-on-eggshells’ feelings toward others
9) Becomes an
appeaser when others are angry
10)
Won’t stand up for convictions in the presence of overpowering
people
The main reason I want to quit my people-pleasing addiction? I am
using them in equal parts to them using me. I need their approval like an addict
needs a fix. It’s a toxic paradigm. In Pysch 101 terms: It is
co-dependency.
Just this freakin week I found I
was doing it again (even while reading said handy dandy guide): I once again was
Ethel to another peep’s Lucy. I wised up when she felt empowered enough to
invade my personal space to physically move me out of the way. And act like a
boss about a matter that did not concern her. And, well, I digress. The Point:
She felt lordly enough to bold face treat me like a child.
Another person
told me: “Yeah. I think she’s looking for a side-kick, a person to boss; not a
friend.”
I
have scars on my hands from touching certain people....J.D.Salinger
Well, gosh-nab it! I felt like Josh and Bill from History channel’s
“Moonshiners”. I broke again? I ignored the steam of warning pouring out of my
heightened senses again! The signs of a controlling person were laid out in
front of me…And I sashayed right past them. Again. Really!!?!!?! I would have
indulged in a Josh-sized fit but I don’t throw them as stylishly as he does
J
When
things go wrong, don’t go with them. Elvis
Presley
The only thing to do is get off the ground (I did throw a Josh fit
after all. It felt good.) I am putting polite distance between the person and
me. I say “no” to every offer to hang out. It’s the only way.
I read books:
I read posts:
My “No” Is Broken by Elizabeth Esther
How Running Saved My Life by Elizabeth Esther *seriously* just subscribe to EE’s blog*
J
Oprah’s “O” magazine (Very committed Oprah devotee
here)
It is hard for me to accept but I know this statement to be true:
People only have as much control over me as I give them. I know there are
semantics here for people (women and children especially) who exist in
situations of absolutely no control over their life. That is another
conversation for another day.
For me-right here, right now- I hold the control.
When I remember this truth I breathe deeply and slowly back away
from the flying monkeys.
What about you?
How are you dealing with the manipulators, monkeys, and walls?
Please share resources, posts, or stories that have encouraged you.
by legendaryhalloween in Flickr
