The Cult Next Door

Worth the read: Matthew Paul Turner's "Spiritual Abuse Must Stop"

2012-01-27T16:17:00.000-08:00

"Candle in palm 2" by Cdn in flickr

Matthew Paul Turner wrote a wonderful article titled "Spiritual Abuse Must Stop".

Worth your time to read, comment, and share with a friend.Spiritual Abuse is a subject that church leaders must recognize and confront.

If I could send one message to the cult pastor...it would be this

2012-01-12T17:41:00.001-08:00

Geez-Louise, Cult Peeps and Cult Pastor!?!?! Just Dance!

2012-01-10T15:25:00.000-08:00

"Dance" by Lucre Diaze in flickr

*WARNING TO ALL MY READERS: I really let lose in this post...please take me and my words with a grain of salt*

I recently came across an online review of the cult church. The review was comparatively mild and explained angst that commenter felt after overhearing a church authority leader declare outsiders (non-church members) were not welcome in the church if immodestly dressed.

This was very mild criticism on the part of the commenter, believe you me. In my time people were shamed from the pulpit if they wore flared skirts. Flared skirts, people! Flared skirts that came BELOW THE KNEE. See example below.

"Flared" by krinn in Flickr

"soft blue sky" by lucidRose in flickr

And this long blue skirt on the right would get ya called down from the pulpit as well...too long. (I think it is gorgeous...have one just like it now :)

But I digress.The mildly critical review was vehemently denounced by (what can only be assumed) a member of the church. The rebuttal included references that the reviewer was going to an extremely heated place.

*Sigh*. Really, cult peeps? Can't you find something more motivating in life? Something more awesome than writing up foolish dress codes and condemning to hell those who disagree with you?There is sooooo much more to life!

You should be dancing EVERY. SINGLE. DAY.

NOT:
1. ….measuring skirt lengths. (Really?!?! Seriously?!? You can’t come up with a more godly activity?
2 .…telling peeps who they can and can't marry. (Once again…REALLY!?!?! SERIOUSLY!?!?!)
3. ….saying when they can go on vacation.
4. …when they can’t go on vacation.
5. ….deciding what profession they can pursue.
6 .….what books they can read.
7. …what books they can’t read.
8. ….crippling people with fear of EVERYTHING and EVERYONE on the outside of your church.
9. ….doing pretty much ANYTHING of the 85% percent of the nonsense that composes your day.
10. ….Is your life really that pathetic that you have to micromanage others? Or that you have to decimate the message of the grace of the cross? Geez Louise peeps!Really?!?! Seriously?!?!

*sigh #2*

BESIDES a strong desire to shake some sense into you I also wish I could hire a sky writer to put this where you could see it:
I DON'T HATE YOU!
I DON'T WISH YOU ANY HARM OR ILL WILL!
I JUST WISH YOU WOULD STOP HURTING PEOPLE!

Stop hating the fact that I spoke up against your twisted way of life! Your twisted words needed to be spoken against! In fact, the whole church just needs an intervention!

You are wasting your time making me a rallying point of hatred (Geez Louise #2!).

I have moved on with my life…and so should you. Stop using me to spread your fear, hatred and control to the remaining prisoners in your church.

I’ve moved on from angst-ing over you and the damage you wreaked on me.

Actually I have found healing to the point that I am thankful for the hard lessons learned from your selfish grasping:

I learned how to do a hard job and not expect to have monetary gain from it.
I learned how to stick to a thankless task without walking away.

I am a survivor. I am just sorry you were the one to force me to be a survivor.

I am ready to walk away from the proverbial altar. I no longer bear “aught” against you.

I just wish you would lay down your “aught” against me and walk away.

In moving on with my life I have found:
1. ....mascara does not make your eye balls fall out of your head.
2. …it’s okay to wear shorts and jeans. Your legs don’t fall off.
3. ….it’s okay to drink an alcoholic beverage on celebratory occasions. I heartily recommend Grasshoppers.
4. ….it’s okay to skip church once in a while…especially when you have been an addict to religion.
5. …it’s okay to go to theaters. Seriously, people. You watch the exact same movies in your home. I know. I’ve seen you.
6. …it’s okay to not spend every extra penny you own on unflattering skirts and dowdy shirts. Seriously. Read Vogue once in a while. And stop stealing people’s money to buy your blasé clothes.7. …it’s okay to be friends with WORLDLY people (Geesh #1)
8 .…and because time and post space is getting away from me….it’s okay to: make your own choice in marriage, listen to “rock Christian music (gasp!), read the Bible instead of listening to the preacher, wear bathing suits, wear earrings, blush, and eye liner, listen to country music (including The Civil Wars…Yippee!), root for Roll Tide! vote democratic, read mystery novels, and wear pants, earrings, blush, eyeliner to church.

Seriously. My fingers, legs, ears and eyes are still intact and I have accomplished all but one of the above listed. And if John Huntsman doesn’t make the Republican ticket I will accomplish ALL the listed.

I really, really hope you are reading this article, cult member, and especially you, cult pastor.

Because I want to say one last time: I DON'T WISH YOU ANY ILL WILL. I FORGIVE YOU! I just wish for Geez- Louise- Gosh- Smarm its sakes that you would get some freedom and for God's sake DANCE!!!!!

I don't want to hear that you've hurt one more person and stripped them of their trust in human kind.

I want to hear things like you have let all the young people in church free to pursue their dreams.
That you have repaid those from whom you have stolen.

"red dress" by the heart truth in flickr

That you have asked forgiveness of those you have hurt.
I want to hear that you have bought a sleeveless red dress and worn it dancing.

"tango" by aka serge in flickr

Yes, dancing. Make it the tango.

That you bought a bathing suit and worn it to the beach.

That you spread the word God isn’t as mean and hateful as you have made Him out to be all these years.

More importantly...I want to hear that you have sought counseling. Because you are very, very ill. Your illness is destroying those you supposedly "love". You see, if you truly love, you let go. Sounds cliched but it's true You don’t micromanage. You don’t manipulate, lie or steal. You get help because you are a deeply trouble narcissist.

*Snarkiness alert* (because I have been REALLY NICE up till now. Really.) That supposed leak that let word of the "runaway marriage" out? That leak came from someone very, very close to you. Very close. Turn around and they are probably standing right beside you.

Heh! Heh! Made you look didn’t I? Seriously though. The leak is in your “inner circle”. One of the “hearts of the true church”.

So do everyone a favor and let that poor little couple actually run away from you and your toxic environment. Stop guilt-ing them that the owe you. They don’t own you one samn thing.

All the snarkiness aside, I have to tell you that this month is Spiritual Abuse Awareness month. So be careful of any visitors to your church. They might be cult exit counselors in disguise (okay, okay the snarkiness wasn't totally out of my system. It is now...I promise :)

Here, my cult peeps and highly controlled, um, (I can't say "geeks" now I can I?!?! I got all my snarkiness out back a paragraph)...um... PEEPS! ...are some articles you should read (you REALLY NEED to read ALL these articles.

I have commented on a lot of them...you never know what I said in my comments so READ. EVERY. SINGLE. ARTICLE. (and all the comments)

Best advice I know to get out of your pastor worshipping, fellow- brother- hating slavery: here.

God commands you to be free.

Feel loved: Read how much Jesus loves you and count the ways (written by the most excellent word smith Eric Pazdziora) Visit Eric's blog on Spiritual Abuse here.

Surround yourself with grace: Read Hillary McFarland's grace- filled description of the cult family.

Lewis Wells will give it to you straight with the only advice he knows to give to members of high control group, whether it be a family or a church.

Elizabeth Esther writes an awesome blog about that desperately wicked heart that you, oh cult pastor dear, pounded away about prayer meeting after prayer meeting. According to Elizabeth that scripture is a great way for abusers to couch their manipulation.

Time gets away from me to tell you of the awesome articles written by Rachel Held Evans, Internet Monk, Ann Voskamp, and Serena Woods. I strongly urge you to read them.

As I noted above, I have commented ALL OVER these blogs. You need to read every single post to see what I might have written.

Cult member, after reading all these amazing exhortations toward personal autonomy and the freedom to have your own relationship with God...then so be it. Do whatever makes your boat float.

Cult pastor, why have people's pain on your conscience? Why not let them fly free? You don't need these poor people's adulation to justify your existence. God loves you and will forgive you for your trespasses. As He will forgive us all.

"The trick is to learn to dance in the rain" by daneete 5

So, geez, cult pastor and cult member...Why don't you just dance? I hope you finally do. Life is just way to short to waste your time spitting at the wind. It’s so much more fun to dance.

Repost: Some Days It's Just a Monster Mash

2011-10-07T19:28:00.000-07:00

In an interview with Focus on the Family author Frank Peretti explained his motivation for writing about monsters. As a child he had a medical condition which turned his tongue an oozing black.

As children are often the cruelest beings on the planet, Peretti suffered through taunts of being a “monster”. Choosing the positive aspect of a bad situation, he decided to see monsters as “cool” and himself as special in being associated with them.

This post is in celebration of choosing the positive, and yes, even the humorous aspect of feeling like a freak.

After living in a fundamental cult for twenty plus years, I escaped into what I thought would be stress-free living. I survived hell on earth- now it was time to lay back and relax, right?

That might be right for some. And if you are part of that some, congratulations- you have the good life.

For me and many that I have spoken with, coming out of the cult is the easy part. Living outside of the cult is the true challenge.

For many, the challenge proves too great and they return to the cult, though it be harsh and unforgiving, at least they understand how it functions.

I grew up inside the cult, attended the cult’s school, and after graduation was told that I needed to volunteer my time in return for the all the cult had given me.

When I escaped, and left behind the twisted, haunted laboratory of mind control I discovered that, surprise! I had stunted social skills, an amputated sense of self, and a macabre understanding of what my future would be.

Like Frankenstein, I raged (mentally, at least) at the perverted mind that amputated my sense of self and hijacked my devotion to God to serve her evil empire.

I stomped about for a year, howling with anger at whoever I could. I hated parties; they reminded me of a “get-together” at her house. These often included being yelled at in her bedroom (if you were lucky) and in front of everyone (if you weren’t).

I hated searching for a job. How do you explain away a decade plus that you gave away? How you never finished college because you were too tired to think after forty hours of volunteering, five nights a week of church, and twelve plus hours a week of cleaning on her cleaning crew?

Honestly, I felt like a Picasso painting walking into a job interview that said, “This is me. My nose is on my chin and my eyes are in my forehead. I don’t know how to make decisions, I think my worth is below minimum wage, and I will never speak up for myself. So, please hire me (if it’s not too inconvenient) I know I’m a freak, just let me scuttle around in the background quietly.”

Here lies the dividing line. Some well meaning but utterly clueless soul might say that I should believe that God was ‘working a good work’ in my life and in the middle of it all and I should praise my way into joy at this knowledge.

This is foolish thinking. God did not and never will plan abuse to ‘work His good work in you’. What is at work here is the fact that humanity has free will and a pastor chose to use her position of leadership to satiate her need for control. She placed herself as a god and will, unless she has the good sense to repent, one day stand in judgment for deeds.

What I do know is that God gives ‘beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning’.

And so for the Frank Peretti moment of deciding to embrace the experience (not the abuse), acknowledge where I am because of it, and take stock of skills I learned in the proverbial fire.

As for where I am:

I spent years wishing to know the joys of marriage, for as Luther said there is nothing more comforting than a marriage.

I met and married a wonderful man a year after leaving the cult. Our paths would not have crossed if I had lived a different life.

What I have learned:

I am resilient, having lived under extreme stress and oppression.

I have empathy for others who have experienced abuse or slavery.

The skills I have acquired:

Endurance in the workplace and a willingness to go the extra mile.

One ex-cult member showed beautiful perspective in dressing up as the pastor for Halloween. Their motivation was she was the scariest character they could think of.

It was a perfect statement. She is scary, she is monstrous, but it is she that is the monster, not me.

I think I will make my statement one Halloween by making a scarecrow that resembles her and hang a sign that reads “This would scare anything”.

Am I making light of the abuse or the fact that a pastor is in dire moral straits?

No. I am doing what many people do with Halloween: Put on a monster mask, confront what you fear, celebrate it for a day and then, move on.
Till next year. Maybe I’ll dress up as the witch she always accused me of being. After all, I know the hat fits and I’ll wear it.

On the other hand, is she brave enough to wear her hat?

pictures by maptitefabrique, mermaiden creations in flickr

What I am reading....

2011-08-28T13:46:00.000-07:00

photo from geldenkirchen's photostream in Flickr

...Donald Miller. Again. The harsh editorial of women and sexuality was removed from his blog and replaced with an open conversation piece. Much, much more Don Miller-esque style. *Sigh of relief*

My focus, however, is not the sexuality dialogue.

It is the provoking post titled "Being Less Biblical and More Like the Bible".

Don starts by saying:

You’ll never see me roll my eyes more than when I’m reading an old-school Christian book. I say “old school” because these books are changing for the better, and by that I mean they are becoming less “biblical” and more “like the Bible” and by this I mean more honest, truthful and written with less pretense or worldly idealism.

He winds it up with:

Even Christ’s biographers depict Him without sparing us His humanity. He gets angry, He gets annoyed, He is hard to understand (and indeed hard to follow) and while He seems to love the world, He’s as alien as E.T., pointing always toward the heavens rambling about going home. It’s brilliant stuff when you stop reading it to figure out if you’re right or wrong about something. It’s life-changing, actually, the way your life gets changed by a friend over time.

Stunning thought...Don't read the Bible just to prove that you are right and others wrong.

Thanks, Don. Glad you are back.

What I am reading....

2011-08-21T00:48:00.000-07:00

photo by Bonnie Blue Art in flickr

...not Donald Miller...for the moment. I am rather (still) steamed at a recent blog that, in my humble opinion, is caricaturing females as morally loose, experiencing "slutty" periods and dependant on men to provide the meaning in her life. Commenter Sydney said it best:

Donald,
WHY is a woman made worthy by her sexuality and man by his character and godliness? This is such a tired and harmful characterization that is used repeatedly by male church leaders.
How can you say that men get to write women’s stories? Does a woman not have a story until she meets a man to write it for her?

(For more on the story read Elizabeth Esther's post and Rachel Held Evans' awesome reply)

I wish Donald had had the good fortune to read Jane Austen's words in Persuasion before he penned that fateful post:

"...Well, Miss Elliot," (lowering his voice,) "as I was saying we shall never agree, I suppose, upon this point. No man and woman, would, probably. But let me observe that all histories are against you--all stories, prose and verse. If I had such a memory as Benwick, I could bring you fifty quotations in a moment on my side the argument, and I do not think I ever opened a book in my life which had not something to say upon woman's inconstancy. Songs and proverbs, all talk of woman's fickleness. But perhaps you will say, these were all written by men..."

If your going to gripe promiscuity, Don, both sexes can be slutty and fickle. Not just the girls.

Onto a more interesting topic, I am reading a gripping blog titled "Broken Daughters"
A quote from the post 1995:

photo by meg81382 in flickr

"...A woman greets him and by the voice I can tell it’s a nice old lady from our community. She sees me and say “Oh and Lisa is here too! Hello Lisa!” and she looks at me. I look down but she sees it anyway and says “Oh goodness, what happened to Lisa?”. Daddy smiles and says “She was a disobedient brat at the toy store and this is what she got from it.” He sounds really proud when he says it and he pets my head with his hand. The Lady just frowns at me and says “Well it looks really bad, you might have to see a doctor.” and Daddy says “No, she’ll be fine. If she’s repentant, she’ll heal up just fine without a doctor.” They talk a little bit more but not about me and then the Lady leaves..."

Lewis Wells of Commandments of Men blog fame has this insight on some recent *ahem* Bachmann developments:

...Bachmann was asked about being submissive to her husband during the FoxNews Republican candidate debate on August 11th. She's yet to directly answer that question. Anyone in her campaign with any political savvy knows that if she answers that question honestly and directly, she has NO chance to win the election. Hence, you get half-truths, deflections, and rabbit trails about "respect". The fact of the matter is, few of us feel that someone who can't even lead within her own home is qualified to be the Leader of the Free World. As you can see, the "submission" issue is already grinding the honesty and integrity (assuming some exists) right out of her...

And to lighten the mood a bit...a humorous quote by Demetri Martin:

"Whenever I'm on my computer, I don't type 'lol'. I type 'lqtm' - laugh quietly to myself. It's more honest."

I absolutely did NOT laugh quietly to myself while reading Caleb Wilde's post of "Awkward Ringtones at a Funeral":

"...My wife recorded herself yelling, “Mom! Mom! Let me out!” in her mother’s cell phone and then set that as her mom’s cell phone ringtone. Awkward in real life. Extra awkward at a funeral..."

And lastly but certainly not leastly...a song by the group The Civil Wars...not reading but listening.Over. And Over. And Again.

Enjoy.

'Quivering Daughters' reviewed by Christianity Today

2011-06-25T11:23:00.000-07:00

"Flower girl fun" by stacy benton in flickr

On Thursday my friend Hillary McFarland's book, Quivering Daughters was reviewed by Gina Dalfonzo on Christianity Today. Dalfonzo says:

Many of us tend to react with righteous indignation when we read stories of women in foreign countries denied higher education, the chance to support themselves, and the freedom to live independently and make their own decisions.

How do we react when women are denied those same freedoms here in America—by some of our fellow Christians?

An excellent review that I definitely recommend reading.

On Thursday Chaplain Mike included and expounded on Dalfonzo's review and in a follow discussion of Bill Gothard on Internet Monk.

At the time of this writing there are 152 comments on the post. My favorite responses are Sandra's of Chronicles of a (Formerly Christian) Heretic:

Reading Hillary McFarland’s blog was the first time that I considered the religious dysfunction of my childhood as abusive. There was no physical or sexual abuse in my family but we had all the hallmarks of an abusive and addictive family–I’d known that since my college days studying psychology. But I’d never heard of spiritual abuse nor known what identified cultic behavior if it didn’t look like Jim Jones. We were a pretty “normal” fundamentalist evangelical preacher’s family. So why did I have so many issues that looked and felt like an abuse survivor? When I read Hillary’s checklist of a spiritually abusive family, the penny dropped. We had made a cult out of being the preacher’s family. Hillary gave a name to our dysfunction and, with than name, the first step in healing. I will always be grateful for Hillary’s courage to call a spade a spade, and awed that she can do it so graciously–never once saying that everyone who practices XYZ or holds PQR doctrines is necessarily, always saying instead that wherever you are, God is there. Let him find you.
And Eric Paździora's (Eric is a contributing writer to Hillary's blog): We all remember that our childhood, as lived, was immeasurably different from what our elders saw. Hence Sir Michael Sadler, when I asked his opinion about a certain new experimental school, replied, ‘I never give an opinion on any of those experiments till the children have grown up and can tell us what really happened.’
—C. S. Lewis, “On Three Ways of Writing for Children”

Which is exactly what we have here. I’m delighted to see this book and its topic getting so much needed attention. (Full disclosure, I’m a regular contributor to the QD blog and was honored to have one of my articles included as a chapter in Hillary’s book. It’s the one about the love of Jesus. Well, one of them.)

Doctrinally, the Patriarchy/Quiverfull movement is characterized by an unhealthy emphasis on “authority,” which quickly works out to authoritarianism in practice. Putting it next to the teachings of Jesus — “The leaders of the Gentiles lord it over them; not so with you!” — can be eye-popping. How did we ever get from one to the other?

The most obvious difference between Quivering and “Steadfast Daughters” is that SD is written by doctrinaires trying to persuade us to accept their views, while QD is written by children who lived with those views, grown up and telling us what really happened. It’s striking, especially when those who’ve come out of the movement show grace and mercy to those who perpetrate graceless doctrines. Hope and healing is exactly what’s needed.

I have also re- posted Hillary's gracious replies to my interview of her in 2010:

Would you explain for the unfamiliar reader what a quiverfull family is?

The term "quiverfull" is coined from Psalm 127, which states:

3 Behold, children are a heritage from the LORD,
The fruit of the womb is a reward.
4 Like arrows in the hand of a warrior,
So are the children of one's youth.
5 Happy is the man who has his quiver full of them;
They shall not be ashamed,
But shall speak with their enemies in the gate.

A quiverfull family believes that the use of birth control to limit family size demonstrates a lack of trust in God's sovereignty. Proponents keep an "open womb" and welcome as many children as God chooses to send, trusting that regardless of the number, He will provide. As a result, some families have a dozen or more, and most adhere to other conservative principles such as homeschooling, stay-at-home daughterhood, courtship, and other home- or family-centered practices.

Is there a story behind the book's title, "Quivering Daughters"?

Although families vary in belief and degrees of this lifestyle, some of the more conservative ones follow a trend rapidly on the rise within many homeschooling circles ~ a doctrine commonly known as Biblical Patriarchy. This belief system uses Scripture to justify many practices that, as time shows, unwittingly results in serious spiritual and emotional abuse. While certainly not prevalent in every quiverfull home, increasing numbers of children reach adulthood struggling with severe depression, suicidal ideation, and self-injurious behavior. Many struggle understanding the true heart of God and His love and grace; others view the Bible not as words of life but as "the bat used to beat them." Debilitating levels of control (see The BITE Model by Steven Hassan for a realistic peek into the day to day reality for many of these children) raise adults grappling with fear, shame, guilt, inability to make decisions, and other crippling emotional and mental struggles. These fruits reveal that something has gone terribly wrong. It's true that parents have every good intention in raising faithful, godly children ~ and some succeed beautifully. However, many are left desperate and aching, and God has called me to minister to adult daughters from these kinds of households. "Quivering" is a twist on the term "quiverfull" with an added, fear-based connotation. Because my calling includes offering them the messages of hope and healing that He has given me, it seemed appropriate to include them in the title.

I am sure there were many inspirations that melded together in the conception and if you will- birth of your book. Was there one account or story, aside from your own, that you thought of as you wrote?

While my book includes some of my experiences, it features myriad stories from other girls, too...ones I met or corresponded with throughout my research; brave women yearning to discover the grace and freedom found in Jesus. They long to reach out to others with similar experiences, and while the process has been agonizing for them at times, all of the ones who share their stories in the book believe it's important for awareness to be raised and for this "dark side" of Christian fundamentalism, if you will, to be exposed. The beauty of it is that almost every one of them is desperate to know Jesus more fully! Although they've been labeled rebellious or fallen away, have been excommunicated from their families, told they are going to hell...they are hungry for the Lord. They want to know Him, they want to come back to life. They have inspired me, and they are my heroines of the faith. And they are the ones I thought of as I wrote...I wanted to write what I wish I had found so many years ago...comfort, encouragement, and Biblical messages of grace.

As Hillary and I spoke I realized we had mutual acquaintances: Fear and Guilt.
In my ex-church fear of God's rejection was a great motivational tool of the pastor. Didn't agree with her sermon? God would reject you for 'touching his anointed'.
Show up late for a church work night? Shame on you! How could you disrespect the house where God's word was so freely shared!

In your experience, Hillary, and the life accounts you've heard, how were fear and guilt wielded to manipulate?

It amazes me how similar and familiar these stories are! For example, I've received email after email detailing how girls learned that getting a driver's license could lead to being numbered, the forerunner for the Mark of the Beast in Revelation ~ one of the most deadly fears of all. Rigid fear of feminism led to constantly checking attitudes and emotions...not that this isn't important, but rather than an emphasis on abiding in the vine and letting the Holy Spirit bring forth good fruit, a spirit of fear reigned instead.

When one is controlled by fear, or uses fear to control, certain behaviors can be expected. We learn what we "should do" and what we "shouldn't do". Manipulators use shame, then, even if they don't realize it, as a powerful tool of coercion. Yet it's the most subtle ~ because we feel guilty enough on our own. Years after I married, I would still hear my parents' voices in my head telling me what was "right" or "wrong". When I read the Bible quietly to myself, it was always my dad's voice speaking the words in my head. Many times I couldn't even move; I remember feeling overwhelming guilt many times because, for example, once I hadn't managed my time well and needed to decide what was more important at that moment: starting dinner or putting a load of laundry into the washer. I literally froze in place and became engulfed in a huge wave of shame and wanting to kill myself ~ over simple household tasks! I couldn't even breathe while both my brain and my body completely locked up. This response is not normal. Learning where the roots are is no simple task, but with God's help is so freeing. Healing from false guilt is truly, literally, a life-changing experience.

When we talked, you mentioned the mis-interpretation of the Scripture in Philippians that speaks to 'dying to self'. In my old church the pastor defined what dying to the flesh entailed. Her definitions ranged from not getting married if she said "no" to the match to giving up one's house for her guests at her demand. Did you experience similar circumstances of scripture so humanly and severely defined?

For many daughters of patriarchy, these things are interpreted for us. If we express something that someone in authority might not agree with or think is important or of God, it becomes material for self-denial: "You just need to die to the flesh." However, "flesh" often automatically means every want or desire because we learn that it isn't possible to want something and it be a holy want ~ that since our flesh is carnal, naturally any "desire" is of the flesh and therefore sinful. But of deeper gravity, depending on the convictions of ones in authority, "flesh" can also be applied to the very real calling of God! This creates severe spiritual dissonance, for as women raised to seek God, study the Bible, and develop a deeper relationship with Him do hear from Him...to then have a pastor or parent discredit God's words jeopardizes her relationship with Him. It's one thing to seek godly advice, but many women have told me of callings they were sure God gave them, only to be told by a father, "I am God's mouthpiece for you," or that "God wouldn't tell you anything without confirming it through me", or "God has ordained it for the father to hear God's word and vision for the family, and to relay it to each member." Keep in mind we aren't talking about children, but sincere, God-fearing women from their late teens to late thirties.

We also discovered in our conversation that in both our situations the 'end of the world' was much talked about. In the abusive church people testified "No use in going to college- Jesus is coming!" The Mark of the Beast was said to be the goal of every electronic evolution. The pastor preached that in the near future we (the cult) wouldn't be able to get food because the government would only sell to those with the beast's mark. In my case it lead to a dreadful state of anxiety that I still deal with on a daily basis.

How did this sense futility affect you?

In addition to deep fear, it led to severe depression and malaise. Why bother doing anything? It didn't matter, anyway. Why have hobbies? Why finish a project? Why have interests, why invest in ourselves...anything other than spiritually investing, or with end-times in sight, wasn't necessary. We knew what was important ~ the souls of dying men. Being a witness.We learned that we would probably be killed for our faith. That martial law would take over the nation. That we would be tortured. I used to pray that I would be killed for my faith! I've learned since that sometimes it can be much harder to live for it.

By all of this, I don't mean to say that there weren't things I enjoyed doing, or things that we didn't do things that were fun or memorable...but anything I did enjoy became ridden with guilt. It's such a brutal cycle.

Why does the quiverfull daughter (who is abused) stay in the destructive situation?

There are several reasons. Sometimes they are practical ~ knowing what it takes in normal, day to day life regarding things like how to pay bills, how to drive a car, how to make decisions. Or not having finances or a car or place to go. Sometimes it's a sense of loyalty. Most often it is fear. The fears used to keep many of these women from taking steps to leave a hurtful situation vary in extreme, but some are really terrible: that she has left God, will go to hell, will become a prostitute. That she is deceived. That she is hurting her family out of her own selfishness. One of the saddest reasons is that sometimes these women believe they deserve the pain because they are so wicked, and this is how they are sanctified. Because they love the Lord and want to be holy and righteous, and they want to turn the other cheek, lay down their lives, and die to the flesh, they remain.

What would you say to a young woman who has just realized she is in a situation that takes away her God-given autonomy?

First of all, pray. Pray for wisdom, discernment, and direction. Autonomy is a very convoluted subject because patriarchal daughters are taught to consider autonomy to be feministic, selfish, and worldly. She needs to be certain that it is God, in fact, who is leading and teaching her...because it will be very hard on both an emotional and practical level to take necessary steps. If she is certain that God calls her, this will keep her going when life becomes harder. Also, pray for Him to make a way, as well as to send godly people for support and help. Second, commit to Truth...which can be very difficult sometimes, because denial will say, "It's not that bad," "It's not like I am being beaten or anything," "Maybe I really am fallen away," and other things that will bring confusion to what God has revealed. Third, be gentle to yourself. Sometimes learning something that goes against all we've been taught is excruciating. When we make mistakes, we say ~ see! I AM bad. I AM rebellious. I AM evil. However, mistakes are necessary for learning, and our Redeemer is with us and can make all things new, right, and beautiful. Learn to have grace on yourself even as you learn of God's grace. Stay soft to Him. Let Him convict and draw you. And don't give up ~ He who has begun a good work in you will be faithful to complete it!

Tuesday's Links

2011-06-13T18:26:00.000-07:00

Commandments of Men celebrated one year on June 11th! Thank you for all you have done, Lewis.

photo by will clayton in flickr

A classic quote from Imonk Michael Spencer:

"I am sad to say this, but there is a point at which the relentless God-centeredness of some believers makes them into the adversaries and almost the enemies of much that is good in human life. They become the enemies of normal, especially in the lives of young people, creative people and people who feel that life in this world is good and shouldn’t be devalued by religion."

Eric and Carrie Pazdziora with their friend Jenna Satterthwaite have formed a wonderful band named Thornfield. Beautiful!

And my favorite dude, Garfield....

Fresh Perspective: Guest Post by Eric Buckner

2011-06-04T17:58:00.000-07:00

photo by Jenniferschwalm in flickr

Being a convert means that I have seen both sides of the coin.

I have seen how Protestant look at God and now I have seen how Catholics look at God. I'd love to give you examples of how I each.

The first two examples of the religious divide are taken straight from the Mary's Foundation's: The Rosary and Divine Mercy Chaplet CD that I love and it really changed my perspective on how God is viewed.

Imagine with me please, two different people pass away and go to Heaven, they are both Christian, one being a Catholic and the other a Protestant.

The first steps into the throne room of God. There is a diamond-studded carpet, tapestries on the walls, hundreds of people talking and getting along with one another, stained glass windows, beautiful music playing in the background, flowers in glorious crystal vases everywhere, and at the center of the room is a resplendent king in fantastic silk and fur robes.

The second person enters his throne room of God and the first thing he notices is that he is walking on a concrete slab, there are nothing on the walls, there are no windows, and there is no music or people around, but in the middle of the room is a king on a folding chair, wearing a cotton bath robe.

Now, my question to you is which king is more glorious? The king that lavishes beauty on whatever and whoever He touches or the one that is so jealous of His own glory that he can't stand the fact that we get caught up in admiring a painting or statue devoted towards Him for one single second?

Certainly the first one. The second king is more of the protestant model. The protestant king seems to be more narcissistic in His view of Himself, so that anything that diverts attention away from Him, even if it was made in His honor, will cause sin.

I say to you however, that God created all things to be our tools.

In addition, He blessed us with artistic ability to showcase our love for Him and certainly everything created for His Glory is undoubtedly beautiful to Him. If a child that adores you draws you a picture, do you not want to post it on the refrigerator?

If the husband/wife you truly love serenades you with romance in their heart, do you brashly tell them to shut up? No, you want to listen!

And you want to tell others about your love, maybe even secretly, make them a little jealous of what you have.

I didn't realize this until I started going to a Catholic Church, but look at the grounds of a Catholic Church, there are gardens, statues, bells, benches, stained glass, sun roofs, and all kinds of decorative items on display.

The architecture is typically remarkable, with slants and eaves, some even have built in pools.

Conversely, look at your typical protestant church, normally built like a large tool shed. There are only shrubs, normally, maybe a walkway. If its a rich or largely attended church, its big, if not its small, but its always bland.

Wouldn't God want us to show Him honor?

A man falls in desperate love with a woman, he feels that he can't live without her. He tells her almost at the first part of their relationship that he loves her and he wants to know everything there is to know about her.

Although, he doesn't want to know where she comes from, doesn't want to meet any of her family or friends, and doesn't want to have anything to do with her past.

Doesn't that seem a little odd to you? If you were the girl, would you not be a little bit put off by the whole apathetic spiel? I mean, our personalities are the way they are because of the people we know and the experiences we have.

In order to know Christ better, wouldn't you want to get to know the people who were directly shaped by Him?

How often is it that you run into a humble man that upon instantly meeting him, starts talking about himself to no end?

Isn't it more likely that a humble man will pull out his wallet and start talking to you about his wife and kids? Don't you think that Jesus would be the same way? He was humble, you know. If you met him today, perhaps he would take out his wallet and show you the picture of His mom and dad and the friends He was closest to in His life.

Would you tell him to shut up? If you're taking the time to read this, odds are you wouldn't.

One of the things that we must avoid as ex-cult members is becoming the narcissists that we have began to loathe.

Do not be afraid to look in different directions of Christianity.

After those that leave a cult want to come back to Christ, start looking at the big picture of the Bible.

The Gospel is all inclusive of the Bible. It is all real, not just the parts that cult leader wanted you to believe.

My Story: Can't you see I'm dying (Part Five of life in a Dade City cult)

2011-06-04T17:08:00.000-07:00

My story: Can't you see I'm dying (part four)
I could go on and on, for a decade, and not tell every nasty, horrific thing that happened.

Since that is not my purpose in recounting all these incidents, I won’t try.

My purpose is to speak the truth, for as the Bible says, "You shall know the truth and the truth shall set you free".

That is my hope- that all members of this Dade City church or any other spiritually abusive church will be free of the lies and horrors that have been perpetrated on them, or that they have perpetrated on others.

As a family member of mine put it, "No one walks away from a situation like that without guilt. We all came away from the church with cookie crumbs on our faces".

If you are a member of a controlling church reading this, know that there is God and life away from the cult you are trapped in.

There are arms of forgiveness waiting to help you down the path of freedom and into the arms of the true God- not the god that a crazed narcissistic woman has dreamed up.

Find help!

Yes, there is life after that church.

I hope there will be justice, also.

As it says in Amos 5:24,

"But let justice roll down like waters and righteousness like an ever-flowing stream".
God knows and he cares.
As I and others have said before-

"There is life after a controlling church."
I was very, incredibly blessed in that I had a group of family and friends waiting for me when I came out of the church.
I also had the help of a wonderful psychiatrist.

He talked to my whole family for over three hours.

As we told him as much of our story as we could in the space of three hours, he told us that, based on our information, the pastor most likely has an Antisocial Personality Disorder. As I read over the many testimonies on this site, I began to wonder if that was a disorder in many of the other leaders.

Or was it just that, as in many cults, the congregation took on the cult leader’s personality.

As I read over the symptoms of antisocial behavioral characteristics, it was as if I was reading about most of the church: i.e.

1. Refuses to meld to accepted common social behaviors- total disregard to what is "lawful" and "law-abiding". (Everything the pastor says is "right" and "God’s Word". Church members have lied, cheated, renounced family because it was "God’s will").

2. No remorse when others are injured by one’s actions. (It was ‘God’s will’ that a young man committed suicide.)

3. Repeated lying perfected methods of deceitfulness. (The pastor would take other people’s stories and make them her own. When confronting my family member about a letter their ‘defected’ sibling sent them, she lied and said "God had revealed it to her in a dream". He hadn’t- I had told her of it the day before.

As I mentioned before, the congregation is eerily ‘taking on’ these behaviors- they have become their own twisted version of this pastor.

As I am on my journey of healing and learning to live anew, I find myself looking back over the progress of seven months.

When I first left the cult, I was not emotionally healthy. In fact, I was an absolute wreck mentally, emotionally, and most likely physically as well.

I would have panic attacks in the new wonderful church I was attending.

I had thought that if I could just leave, just get away from the horrific situation- all would well all at once.

Now, don’t misunderstand me- I was immediately relieved from the abuse.

When the abuse left, however, a healing process had to take its place.

A healing process that included a rage I hadn’t thought I was capable of, as well as mourning for the ‘lost’ years of exclusively doing a human’s will, not God’s.
I believe, and will continue to put my trust in Romans 8:28- "…All things work together for GOOD to those who love HIM…"

He promises ALL THINGS- all the rejection, rage, hurt… and the list goes on forever.

When I look back on twenty-four years of mental torture, I think of pain and rejection.

As I look back farther and deeper, however, I also think of a few miraculous facts:

1. I have no family at all left in that cult.
2. God always, always let me know somehow, someway that He loved me.
3. There was always someone there when I needed them most.

There are two I remember with all the gratitude in my heart: Scott, who, as

I cleaned the business he worked at, would tell me how special and beautiful I was. After living in the desert of total rejection all week-and then to come in to see someone smile at you and mean it, and give you a brotherly hug when you looked down- it was like an amazing rainstorm of hope and joy drenching your soul. I hope that somewhere, somehow, Scott will know that he helped keep a despairing soul from ending it all.

God bless you, Scott.

Then there was Randy, who while on active duty in Iraq, e-mailed me hope and strong encouragement, till I had the strength to leave the terror behind.

You are the brother of my soul, Randy. If God were to bless you a third of what you blessed me, the world could not contain it.

You were the hands of Christ to my life.

Behold what God has done! It is marvelous to my eyes!"

My story: Can't you see I'm dying (Part Four of life in a Dade City cult)

2011-06-04T16:48:00.000-07:00

My story: Can't you see I'm dying (Part Three) click here

In 1996, a boy shot himself after having been yelled at by her.

I heard that there was a suicide note- but it was destroyed before the police could find it.

She told the church that it was "God's will" that this young man ended his life- obviously, God had "arranged' it to happen because he (the young man) would have defected from the church and "God saved him from this fate".

As I sit here and write this I can hardly keep from screaming. To blame this tragedy on a loving, caring Creator makes me hope she burns in hell for eternity.

There, I finally said it. My prayer is that God has mercy on her as He had on me; and in His mercy which is equally justice I hope that she finds out what the Scripture means about it being better to tie a millstone about one's self than to offend a little one.

I have heard from many other people, some of them still in their teens, that suicide was often the solution that seemed the easiest.

For about a year, it seemed the easiest solution to me, also.

There comes a place and time when you feel so 'dead' after all the yelling, lies, and rejection that it seems a good idea to just make it true.

If you are reading this and you feel that you would be at 'peace' if you could 'end' it all- PLEASE DON'T! THERE IS HOPE! Talk to a councilor, a real pastor, family member, somebody, anybody!
You are loved by God! You are a special creation- this world needs you in it- so, please, GET HELP! YOU ARE WORTH IT!

When my family of ex-church members get together and talk over all our experiences, we all agree on one thing: Thank God there wasn’t sexual abuse.

As I read back through all the accounts of sufferers, I mourn for those who were victimized that way. May God grant them justice and peace.

Today I opened the Bible I had used in the Dade City church days- in it were some ‘sermon’ notes I had scribbled during services.

As I sat by one of the ‘favored’ people, I had to pretend to scribble vigorously every fascinating, ‘God-inspired’ word out of her mouth, or be ratted on, then yelled at, etc.

One of the things I managed to scribble in between the words of "Worldly, Worldly thoughts and desires!" was this: "It will be a cold day in Hell before I testify again!"

I actually was able to laugh about it- thank God the absurdity of the situation overrode the pain!
I had been accused of being prideful because of quoting Lucado.

She had become so twisted that in the week before I left, she told the church that there was no need of reading the Bible, everyone just needed to listen to, and I quote, "The Word of God over the pulpit".

There was also the times when God would "reveal" things about different members divinely to her.

The actual trick to it all wasn’t all that mystical: she had her home and the church phone tapped.

I found out because I heard two of the young women (who lived at her house) talking together about how you should be careful about what you said on the church phone. Another friend found a tape in the church storage room in which the pastor ranted on and on about different members of the church.

I have also heard that different members of the church were sent to spy on each other to see if anyone had a TV hidden in their house. Only the pastor was allowed to have one- the flock didn’t have enough moral control to be responsible viewers!

And then there were the services where the "Dreams" were revealed!

She would have dreams about different members- in which ‘God’ revealed the member’s heart to her.

My heart was full of leprosy- because I was of the --- family.

I knew I was in for a bad time when she would glare at me from her seat behind the pulpit. She would stare at you in the most hateful way, all the while moving her lips. You knew she was ‘praying out’ the evil spirits that had taken residence in your soul.

And there were also the prayer meetings in which she asked God to bring an 'end' to those who had defected from the church.

I don't know what it sounds like to you, but to my understanding, she was asking God to kill them because they had the gall to disagree with her.

And then there was the evil sexuality of the flock!

As much as the woman thought about sex, she should have owned an adult store- maybe she could have put all that thought time to use.

I remember one time a family member and myself were being berated in her office for talking to a ‘rebellious’ member. In the middle of her tirade, she brought up the fact that one of her ‘favored’ members could no longer have sex with his wife because of medicine- induced
impotency.

I could never figure out what his impotency and talking to rebellious church members had to do with each other- like I even cared about someone else’s sex life. It was none of my business, and more importantly, none of hers.

She accused everybody of lust, heterosexual and homosexual.

If all her accusations were true, that church was the biggest group of lustful, wife-swapping, incestuous pedophiles under one roof.

During song service, she would walk up to different young people and say she saw ‘lust demons’ coming out of their eyes. Therefore, the poor humiliated people had to be ‘prayed’ through the clutch of their evil and there had better be some ‘coughing up’ of some demons into napkins if you ever wanted to get out of church that night.

As she was morally responsible for all these young lives, it was up to her to pick the young people’s mates for them. And you better take her choice and be grateful for it!

Thank God the young man she ‘picked’ for me fought her decision. There were never two more incompatible people on the face of this earth- we would have divorced in a year.

Young people were discouraged from pursuing college- Christ was coming back in the next year or the year after that and there just wasn’t time for a degree!

What there was time for was cleaning her five, six, seven, or even more buildings, all the while maintaining a regular forty hour job.

I remember at one time when she had seven offices that had to be cleaned bi-weekly. These buildings were up to forty miles apart and had to be cleaned in the same day.

To my knowledge, no one was ever paid a regular salary for doing this work.

Oh, and did I mention that she would ‘help-out’ only about ten times a year?

I would love to send her a bill for fifteen years of hard work.

Actually, I would love to see her have to do backbreaking work for someone else at no pay.

Let me not forget those poor souls who did ‘God’s work’ in the church-school. I really don’t know how it (the school) is still up and running. There are so many rules and laws being broken that surely some state or federal office is aware of it somewhere.

What makes me most infuriated, however, is the mental and emotional torture the older students are put through.

I’m not talking about church member older students, but rather NON-member students.

I have heard of two girls (thirteen and fifteen) who were pulled into the office and told to stop their lesbian activities.

Another boy was taken aside during a competition trip and asked point blank if he and another male student had had sex because the door was partially closed between their room and the supervisor’s room.

Two brothers were also made to change rooms because they supposedly were also engaging in bedroom activities.

My story: Can't you see I'm dying (Part 3 of life in a Dade City cult)

2011-06-04T16:32:00.000-07:00

My Story: Can't you see I'm dying (Part 2) click here

She came to my house at 10:00 that night and told my parents that they had to come to the school for a conference.

In the office, she called me a 'female dog in heat' (a bitch) lusting after the boys and leading them into sin. She said she could see the lust demons coming out of my eyes and that I needed to be whipped to save my soul.

She took my dad's belt and whipped me, telling me to pray at the same time that God would save me from my lust.

Photo byTiquetonne2670 in flickr

I could hardly hold my head up for days.

And in such a manner, life carried on.

Anytime she came into the school, I would cower in my 'cubicle', pretending to be busy, so I didn't have to talk to her.

Usually this just got me in trouble: I obviously had something to 'hide'.

My story: Can't you see I'm dying (Part 2 of life in a Dade City cult)

2011-06-04T16:17:00.000-07:00

For Part 1 click here

Time elapsed, and the senior pastor found out that he was dying of cancer. He elected a young man to take the church- believing he was circumventing this woman 'youth' minister from taking power.

There are events and happenings, layers of story that would take me days and hours to recount. If I have the time, I will come back to this part of the story in the second section.

Suffice to say, the woman took control of the church.

Almost twenty years later, the pure hell of this event still affects people's lives.

She was pastor of the church and principal of the 'church' school that now resided in Dade City, Florida.

photo by chascar in flickr

Almost twenty years later, the pure hell of this event still affects people's lives.

One of the most debilitating things that stand out in my mind was when I was thirteen.

The school had a very stringent 'six-inch' rule between the sexes- of course I see the wisdom in this, but in this abusive environment the interpretation of this rule actually was:
THOU SHALT NOT EVEN LOOK AT THE OPPOSITE SEX, YOU LUSTFUL, CRAVEN CREATURE!
NO SITTING AT THE SAME LUNCH TABLE WITH MEMBERS OF THE MALE SEX!
IF THOU TALK WITH MEMBERS OF SAID OPPOSITE SEX, MONITORS AND SUPERVISORS WILL SIT IN THE OFFICE AND WHISPER TO EACH OTHER WHILE GIVING THOU EVIL GLARES.

And you can be sure the principal will be called and told what a sex-maniac you are.

A group of the girls were playing a clapping game called "Miss Mary Mack". The game consisted of children standing in a circle and taking turns clapping each other's hands in fast succession while reciting a rhyme.
(As you can tell, obviously someone pulled this game straight out of the kinkiest dating sex secrets section from Playboy)

We (the girls) were a few people short to form a circle. I called to one the boys and ask him to come help us making the circle (where my brain was I'll never know- I should have known by then what happened to those who touched boys.

I was reported to the principal.

My story: Life in a Dade City Cult (Part One)

2011-06-04T15:17:00.000-07:00

I was part of a Tampa/Dade City church for twenty-four years. If I sat at this computer for a year and typed continuously, I couldn't begin to record the horror perpetrated on me and those I love.

photo by slapshot in flickr

It is my belief that the Salem witch trials got a great revival in Tampa in the 'West' wing of the church. Had execution been permissible, these 'zealous' 'Christians' would have obliged the world in wiping out a few more heretics!

When I came out of the church, I heard from the 'young' people who had also left that the senior pastor had repeatedly warned this 'youth' minister that she was not to keep the youth over an hour. So, she told the young people that they would keep the length of the meetings a secret between themselves.

BIG RED FLAG HERE! Anytime someone wants seemingly 'normal' things kept from those in authority (i.e. when and where meetings occur, length of meetings, who was there, etc.) please do yourself a favor and spread the word- there is danger somewhere.

"Mean"

2011-05-29T07:52:00.000-07:00

This song is a great response to abuse. We will most likely never know why our abusers are so twisted but we are free of their abuse and it's true...all they'll ever be is mean.

Don Miller had some insightful words Thursday about hurt, pain and the forgiveness process:

... Go through the stages of grief. Let the offense shock you, then let it completely hurt you. Don’t avoid the pain. Sit with it and feel it no matter how unbearable it is. Please know it will end in time. It will get 2% easier every day. Just feel it like a toothache and soon enough it will transition into something bearable.

Then let the offense make you angry. Don’t lash our or you’ll be guilty yourself. Talk about it with trusted friends but confess you’re angry and your emotions aren’t under control. And don’t feel bad for being angry. The last thing you need is anger and shame. Just punch a pillow and make it through. The anger, like the pain, will lessen over time...
Happy Memorial Day my friends!

Foolish Parade

2011-05-17T17:57:00.000-07:00

As I noted in a previous post a friend from the cult escaped by eloping with her boyfriend.

About two weeks later word came that she and her new husband "went back". It was disheartening to say the least.

Now for the rest of the post you have to imagine the "What the...." bubbles (as Lewis at Commandments of Men so adroitly phrased it) above the heads of non-cult members...

illustration by zappa blamma in flickr

On the Sunday after the sad news came (Mother's Day no less) a family member of mine arrived home to find the whole kit and caboodle of remaining cult members parading the "re-claimed" couple outside their(my relative's) house.

I am sure it was labeled as 'Proclaiming God's Victory to the Wicked' and 'Marching to Show God's Strength'...
I, however, prefer Big Bang's theoretical physicist Sheldon Cooper's explanation:

Tsk, tsk, my dear cult pastor, it just ain't kosher to treat humans as "positional goods"...even if you are full of poofy-haired villainy.

A dear friend (also an ex-member of said cult) e-mailed me this letter in response to the ridiculous parade:

Hi!!!!I heard about "THE PARADE OF IDIOTS" in front of your [relatives] house...
My response was "WHAT? YOU HAVE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME!"

I have heard [girl's relative] is saying, "THERE IS A LEAK [in the cult] AND HE IS GOING TO FIND IT"...how funny! "Buddy, It's right under your nose. Your "DNA" is the same."

Regarding the "Parade":Only a very low class of people would stoop that low. Too bad they left before the town officials arrived.I'm so glad they are aware of what type of idiots they really are..."THE COMPOUND" is a big joke with all of them and that the leader is just a "mentally challenged old woman" [think Dick Solomon from Third Rock From the Sun mixed with Gaddafi...transform them/it into a woman and... voila! My ex-cult pastor extraordinaire].

I just want you to know that [another dear friend] and I are very proud of you for just trying to help someone that has been classified as having suicidal tendencies. Isn't "LIFE BETTER THAN DEATH"...If you threaten someone to action did you REALLY WIN????

PEOPLE, PEOPLE, YOU NEED TO GET A LIFE.

We have heard all that has been said about all of us and WE JUST LAUGH. See, we know the REAL STORY!!! The REAL TRUTH!!!

They do NOT scare us with their little parades.

Actually most people on the street thought that the Jehovah's Witnesses had mounted an assault on San Angela Drive and closed their blinds and locked their doors. TOO FUNNY!!!!

WE ALL JUST SIT BACK AND SMILE.

I give you my permission to post this to anyone and everyone, AJ

I am still laughing about the Jehovah's Witnesses' mounted assault...HOOO!

Suggested reading:

Life Happens While You Are Doing Something Else

by Don Miller
...yeah like mounting foolish parades of positional goods....

And She Walked Back In....But I Hold Onto Hope

2011-05-08T15:23:00.000-07:00

photo by jc_syzygy in flickr

As it was my greatest joy to say on the April 29th post that a friend had walked away from the cult it is to my deep sorrow to say that I received news that she went back to the cult.

I hold out hope though. She's had a taste of freedom.

I hold out hope because I left the cult behind.

More than that I have a Father who excels at the impossible.

Please remember her in your prayers.

In light of these events I recommend Lewis Well's post of the only advice I know to give

And on the lighter side...I am "borrowing" this advice from Eric Pazdziora who borrowed it from RT@ Liturgy: "Don't join dangerous cults -- Practice safe sects!"

SNORT!

Forgive me my nonsense....Post for #Restoreunity

2011-05-07T07:48:00.000-07:00

My post for #restoreunity

Forgive me my nonsense, as I also forgive the nonsense of those that think they talk sense.

~Robert Frost ~

Living in a cult taught me something of unity. A common need to placate a serially angry leader and a perpetually raging God.

God had to be fed constant streams of ceaseless good works and His 'Mouthpiece' perpetual praise for speaking "his" word.

It took team work to keep God and his mouthpiece placated. A complicated system of double speak, ulcers, and covering for family and friends.

We were in God's refining process...or so we were told. This unified us to bear the refining process one more day.

We were told that we must crucify the flesh by sacrificing personal opinions and restraint in questioning the 'Mouthpiece's' decisions.

I finally found this unity to be utter nonsense.

It wasn't unity at all but rather mindless response to the torturous conditioning of an abuser.

Unity is when a Catholic and Protestant can spiritedly debate at work the role of Mary in the present day church and ride home together in peace.

Unity I have found to be in the accepting smile of my Protestant friends on Wednesday night Bible study as I say I didn't hear the pastor Sunday...I wasn't in their church.

I discovered unity in the in the understanding eyes of a co-worker when I shared my story...turns out she was in an abusive church too.

Unity stretched over five states as the call went from person to person: "She's out of the cult! They eloped!"

Unity, I believe, is to be found in the shared sufferings of the Body of Christ. Maybe suffering keeps me from considering my nonsense as sense.

Would you unite with me in prayer that an abuser will recognize her nonsense for what it is?

Ease the suffering of others by donating here.

And She Walked Away....

2011-04-29T15:47:00.000-07:00

photo by andrewrennie in flickr

Thursday afternoon I experienced the best phone call an ex-cult member can receive: a friend escaped the cult.

She and her fiance made a mad dash for the courthouse to be wed (much to the cult pastor's horror I am sure). As she was forced to live in the cult pastor's house since birth I am sure this took might courage and to say the least, cunning planning on she and her fiance's part.

God bless you, friend, wherever you are and fill you to the full brimming of gladness and joy.

Guest Post: Desperately Seeking Validation by Eric Buckner

2011-04-24T18:48:00.000-07:00

"Lonely in Crowd" by Camillia Greve

What exactly is the deal with everyone seeking everyone else's approval lately? Why does it seem that I'm left out of the loop with this trend? Is it because I'm getting older? As I look around me, many of those that care the most are at least a decade my elder, so no, that's not the answer. Now, don't get me wrong, I don't want you to think that I'm out for no good. Truth be told though, I don't really NEED your approval. If you don't like me for who I am, then you can just kiss me where the good Lord split me. This doesn't mean that I will try to hurt you or anyone else. If you respect me for who I am, "great" I say, but I'm not going to go out of my way to try to make anyone like me for something I'm not.

Being comfortable in oneself is an acquired ability. It is either something that you can develop on your own or its something that can be pressured onto you from others. My apathy was formed by the latter of these two. I was not popular in Elementary school, not really having many friends. I had a horrible self-image and who wants to be around a kid like that? Who wants their child to be around a kid like that? I had a chemical imbalance at this age and I was a true odd ball as far as other kids were concerned. I always had one foot in the fantasy world and one tenuous foot within the realm of reality.

Middle school was even worse for me. I was enrolled into an even larger school, with kids that I hadn't ever met before. They either didn't know about my imbalance or they ridiculed me for the problem. Every day was a constant session in harassment. I became one of the misfits; why not, they didn't have self-esteem either. Its tough to find a bond with someone that doesn't have good self-esteem, not impossible, of course, just tough.

When High school moved around, our family, by the grace of God, moved out to a different school system. This high school had a fifth of the amount of students in its halls. I didn't have a reputation of being an outcast, so I tried to fit in and it felt good, for a little while, about a month or two. Suddenly, I was asking myself, is it worth it to seek their validation? What exactly is in it for me? Their kinship with me just felt superficial, I was a teenager, that's what I had in common with them. I couldn't live the way I wanted and I was unhappy. I had to live all the time in reality and that was confining to me. So I gave up trying to fit in, I was unhappy in trying to be somebody that I'm not. Even if I was only trying a little bit to be someone they wanted, I felt horrible, a fake, a phony.

William Shakespeare said it best, "To thine own self be true", because if you spend your life trying to make everyone else happy, where will you ever find time for yourself? Our lives are only a mere hundred years long, if we're lucky, why do we care about those that don't really care about us? To be honest, there is only one person in this world that I really care about how she feels about me and that's my wife, I have to sleep with her. I love her with all my heart and I know that she cares about me. Everybody else in this world is just one gigantic question mark. I'm sure if I had children, I would care about what they thought of me, but nobody else. I love my family and I love her family, but if someone from either family didn't love me back, it wouldn't kill me. This makes me free from judgment, I just don't care. I don't care if others see me as "a good person" because truth be told, I'm human, just like everybody else.

It is this apathy, this pure absence of caring that I believe makes me either a lovable, a respectful, and/or just a flat out happier person. You must set your priorities straight. Please, for your own good, ask yourselves the following questions. If you want, don't even discuss them, just meditate on them.

Who is it that you TRULY want to respect you?

Can you respect yourself for who you are?

Have you lost contact (or just social intimacy) with those that you honestly NEED their respect?

With Christian Love,

Eric Buckner

My Two Cents of Good Reading for Easter

2011-04-23T20:49:00.000-07:00

"escape reality" by ghostonstage in flickr

Demythologzing "Radical Christianty"
by Chaplain Mike @ Imonk

The Necessary Non-Hallmark Part of Easter
by Ann Voskamp @ Holy Experience

The Cross and the Crucifix
by EE @ Elizabeth Esther

Rethinking Fundamental Literalism
by Lewis Wells @ Commandments of Men

Clean
by Eric Pazdziora @ Words and Music by Eric Pazdziora

Repost:The Manipulative Power of Peace by Lewis Wells

2011-04-23T11:17:00.000-07:00

Raven's Call by This Year's Girl in Etsy

Through several weeks Commandments of Men blogger Lewis Wells has and will be sharing the story of courtship and ultimate loss of a daughter of Patriarchy.

Lewis wrote a brilliant post concerning ill-gotten peace and the manipulative effects for The Cult Next Door in July of 2010:

Show of hands...

Who among you has based a decision solely on whether or not you had "peace" about it? (my hand is raised)

Who among you has rationalized or justified a decision solely because "God gave me a peace about it"? (my hand is again raised)

Peace is a beautiful thing. It's to be desired. It's also, against every platitude that's ever been instilled in those of us of the Christian faith, sometimes worth the fight that precedes it. When that very important aspect of the pursuit of peace gets left out of the equation, peace can become a very, very dangerous manipulative tool in the hands of the spiritually abusing. Even those who abuse unwittingly. The idea that peace can be used as a benchmark or plumbline in decision making isn't a biblical one. Disagree? You believe there's biblical evidence for this? Okay then, let's examine some prime biblical figures...

Moses...Oh, umm, wait, we can't use him. He tried to come up with every excuse in the book to avoid God's purposes. He was scared to death of his calling.

Abraham...Hmmm...We'd have to dodge the Ishmael thing and the offering Isaac thing.

Jacob...Doh! The man's name meant "swindler", and was changed to Israel only after spending his entire life swindling and an entire night wrestling with God, for which he was allowed to limp for the rest of his life. He sounds desperate to me.

David...Now we're on to something, err, or not. I forgot about those Psalms where he's pleading with God and his skin is hanging off his bones.

Job...Ummm...pass.

Elijah...Curled up in the fetal position under a broom tree, which is little more than a glorified tumbleweed.

Jonah...Heh.

Wait! I've got one! (drumroll)....Jesus!...Jesus, right?!...No?...Gethsemane? You mean when He was is distress and despair, sweating blood, pleading with the Father that if there were any other way? And just think - Christ had the Spirit of God, the Comforter, without measure.
There's an enormous case to be made for obedience in these examples, even if some of it was more eventual than immediate, but little evident peace.

Now, if you're wondering why I consider peace a manipulative tool (the "peace" game, as I call it), allow me to try to explain it. Authoritarian teachers like Bill Gothard, the Vision Forum crowd, and all associated with the Shepherding movement - essentially, any group or system which operates on a hierarchical authority pyramid or structure - have long taught that you make decisions based on being "at peace" with it. They base this belief on the following scripture...

Colossians 3:15: "And let the peace of God rule in your hearts, to which also you were called in one body; and be thankful."

More accurately, this teaching is based on this prooftext from the above scripture: "Let the peace of God rule in your hearts." That prooftext, standing alone, looks like clear, "biblical" evidence that we are to use "peace" as a barometer and benchmark in our decision making, i.e., "I have peace, therefore it's the right decision", or, "I don't have peace about this...I must be doing something wrong." Sadly, this passage from Colossians 3 is not even vaguely implying any such thing. If one reads the whole passage, one can clearly see that Paul is speaking on interactions with fellow believers - being loving, forgiving, living in peace, et cetera. It in no way, shape, or form applies to decision making. Unfortunately, this line of thinking has seeped even into mainstream, non-abusive churches, becoming a regular part of the Christianese language.

This is where the "peace" game comes into play. In an authoritarian system, one has to clear decisions and life choices with an authority figure. For those who don't know, I lost my bride, on the threshold of our wedding ceremony, to a patriocentric/hyper-fundamentalist/Christian Islamic family. Her father, and his like-minded cohorts, believe in an authority hierarchy. For women, it's brutal. They MUST be under the authority of a man and in submission. Her father felt it was her obligation to be submissive to him - even in her mid 20s. She ultimately succumbed to the emotional manipulation, abuse, and brainwashing, paralyzed to move forward with her life and plans without his permission and approval. In the final two days of our relationship, she was bombarded with 26 incoming calls from authoritarians, all of whom played the "peace" game on her.

Now, place yourself in her shoes: You've never made independent decisions, you've been indoctrinated with "Submit! Submit! Submit!" your whole life, you've been raised to believe that your dad is God's conduit into your life - and anything God has to say to you will come through him, your family's circle is small and like-minded, and the people in it are trusted because they're what you know, then, a man comes into your life, you fall in love with him, new truths begin to be revealed about all you've known, you then begin to reject what you've known, despite the pain it causes you, and you stand on the threshold of losing everything and everyone you've known in choosing to seek truth...and...at the last minute, these long-trusted friends, who you've always believed and been instructed are "over" you in the spiritual food chain, call you and say, "I'm so scared for you. I think you need to pray about this some more. Rest and pray."

Do you see what they've done there?

In those few words, they've conveyed the message that they disapprove, the urge to pray conveys the message that God disapproves, and in creating a mindset of "What do they see that I'm missing?! Why don't they have peace about this?!", they've very successfully, and very subtly, shifted the true benchmark for any decision that follows away from pleasing God...and focused it solely on making a choice that they demonstrate "peace" with and approval of, because they have usurp God in the mindset. They've made their decision for her, yet in such a way as she never realizes it. They've manipulated their outcome of choice - and God had nothing to do with it. At the same time, they haven't outright told her "No!", and this protects the abusers illusion of "Who, Me?" innocence, and strengthens the belief of the abused that there's been no abuse. Emotional leverage has been created and used with the cunning of a serpent. Pressure, release, repeat as necessary.

This happens every day. In cults, Shepherding movement groups, authoritarian groups, patriarchal/Christian Islamic families, and even in individual relationships.

What happens is, such emotional turmoil and tumult is built up within the abused, being so knocked out of balance, questioning themselves, their own motives, their own godliness, their own worth,"Can this be right?! I can't risk losing everything and end up wrong! I just can't!" Then...defeated submission. The abuser, having persevered, releases the applied pressure and switches to love-bombing and "healing", and with the pressure released, and with such a "loving" environment now created...the illusion of peace. But it's a false peace. Much like a volcano, after years, decades, even centuries of inner turmoil, blows it's top, releasing the pent up pressure, and in the following days, after the tumult of the blast has died down and the damaged has been assessed, the illusion of peace exists on the surface. But underneath...the earth still churns, and pressure is already building once again.

It's enough to make one rethink "God gave me a peace about it."

Look at it this way - if the greatest recorded events in the bible couldn't have transpired until the involved parties had peace about it, the bible wouldn't be very thick. False peace can be an enticing elixir, a beautiful facade, and a restful mirage, especially to a starved, battered, and troubled soul, because it's our habit to put our peace in the wrong place, the easy place, and base it on the wrong things. We reach temporal peace with the perceived outcome of our decisions far too often, instead of finding our peace in an unchanging God and his beautiful, life-giving words, trusting Him to care for us regardless of outcomes. What's right is right, whether we're at peace or in turmoil. Earlier I spoke of Christ in Gethsemane. He did reach a peace, but not with the situation. He found His peace, which would realistically have to be described as a "troubled" peace, in trusting the words and plan of His Father. (Matthew 26:52)

How easily we forget that there's another spiritual force at work on this earth that can create the illusion of peace to steer us in the direction he prefers. A false peace. Ask Ahab. He can tell you all about it, or at least he could if it hadn't killed him. It's also sobering to think of the platform the son of perdition will use to make his grand entrance onto the world stage...a false peace. The great manipulator certainly knows how to use it.

Don't discard or marginalize your emotions, whatever they may be, whether peace or turmoil, but do yourself a favor and measure them by God's word and NEVER by human approval. There are far too many people who are far too willing to subtly make your decisions for you, both well-meaning and not so well meaning. Sometimes the genuine, lasting peace requires turmoil.

Some things to think about. While you're thinking, my hope is you'll find peace in God alone.

Repost: Dancing Despite Dade City

2011-04-14T18:46:00.000-07:00

print for sale by ThisYearsGirl in etsy

A friend and I recently spoke of the 'conditioning' that sometimes lies subtly dormant in the minds of ex-cult members.

Conditioning being, according to the encyclopedia Britannica:

"Conditioning is a form of learning in which...a given stimulus...becomes increasingly effective in evoking a response... a response occurs with increasing regularity..."

Any questioning of the authority in a Dade City cult elicited sharp and swift consequences. The 'errant' member had 'touched God's anointed mouth piece' according to the cult leader. Public humiliation in church services were the effective tool in 'evoking' a response'.

Who wanted to to be held up as an example of shame in the midst of their peers? Silence was safe; so "a response occurs with increasing regularity" was the silent submission to the cult leader's will.

Now, as we voice loudly and often our dissent with the abusive practices, a 'knee-jerk' conditioning trigger hops in the way of the stretching of our atrophied muscles of speaking aloud wrongs committed.

However, we shan't be stopped in our dance of freedom. We speak the truth, in the faith of God's love, extended even to the flagrant abuser, and dance in the gladness of truth.

We even hope, should God be merciful, that the abuser finds themselves dancing to tune of God-given freedom and mercy.

A fearful, 'conditioned' muscle might put a slight crimp in our joyous bound, but we dance to the words of truth anyway.

Because truly, only by speaking out will the abuse's effectiveness be silenced.

As only by stretching and dancing will the stiff muscle become limber and supple once more.

^11-12 You did it: you changed wild lament
      into whirling dance;
   You ripped off my black mourning band
      and decked me with wildflowers.
   I'm about to burst with song;
      I can't keep quiet about you.
   God, my God,
      I can't thank you enough. (Psalm 30:11, The Message)

I couldn't resist!

2011-04-08T17:34:00.000-07:00

MWHAAAA-HA!

Gungor: Beautiful Things

2011-04-07T10:21:00.000-07:00

"It is an ever-fixed mark..."

2011-04-06T16:25:00.000-07:00

Couple by peanutbutterbandit in Etsy

I had to stop reading Commandments of Men at work. Twice I have had to dive into the bathroom while no one was looking to dry my tears.

In the last few weeks Lewis has been sharing his experience of growing in love with a beautiful woman and then losing her to Patriarchy (almost literally) at the alter.

I have no personal experience with the Patriarchal movement but the cult I was enslaved in reads hellishly close to the madness. I understand the paralyzing indecision his bride must have experienced as she struggled between "God's will for her life" as dictated by her family and the beautiful love and life that her groom offered.

Even though I know what her choice will be I find myself hoping, HOPING that the ending has changed. That she will choose the absolute love of her groom. And wiping tears once more as I know she will not.

Maybe that is how God Himself feels when we choose religion or works over His divine and unending love.

Thank you, Lewis, for your willingness to bare your heart-break so that others may be made aware of dangerous beliefs and practices. I pray that the God of all comfort stays close by your side.

"I found her innocence beautiful. Also, it became very clear to me that she didn't care who I was, who I knew, what I did for a living, or how many (ignorant) people would want my autograph. I can't put into words how attracted to her that made me, as that was something I'd always wanted...

"...On the day she was to fly here (for our soon upcoming ceremony), her last words to me were "Love you. See you soon." Two hours later, her grandfather called me and said, "She's not coming, and doing so on MY strong advice." He proceeded to say several extremely hurtful, intrusive, meddlesome, and ignorant things, telling me the various ways I was responsible for the situation. It was a good old fashioned Christian "eff U" coming from a good old fashioned Christian a-hole. He made it clear that if I made the venture across the continent to get her, "You'll be met with unfriendly faces if you do it!" Unless they'd hired some serious muscle, I wasn't worried about facing the whole lot of those fools. The reason I didn't go was that I knew it'd be pointless. They'd have her hidden somewhere. And, sure enough, a week later, I was able to locate her (and I won't disclose how). She was in another state, holed up with another group of patriarchal imbiblers and religious fools, being reindoctrinated but convinced, by them, that she was "waiting to hear from God about the situation."

Lewis, your love for your lost bride is stunningly beautiful and I see in it shades of Christ's love for His church.

I wish I could quote this sonnet to the young lady:

Let me not to the marriage of true minds
Admit impediments. Love is not love
Which alters when it alteration finds,
Or bends with the remover to remove:

O no! it is an ever-fixed mark
That looks on tempests and is never shaken;
It is the star to every wandering bark,
Whose worth's unknown, although his height be taken.

Love's not Time's fool, though rosy lips and cheeks
Within his bending sickle's compass come:
Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks,
But bears it out even to the edge of doom.

If this be error and upon me proved,
I never writ, nor no man ever love

God bless you, Lewis

My Two Cents of Good Reading

2011-03-29T17:27:00.000-07:00

by heavenly_angellourdes in photobucket

"Christians are addicted to “answers.” For some reason, we think the ultimate favor we can do for the world is to explain the ways of God.

I humbly disagree."

~Chaplain Mike at Imonk~

"What is hindering your thinking? What preconceived ideas do you have that are keeping you from learning? What if someone revealed a truth in scripture that completely rocked your world? Could you be complacent and not even know it? Does he have to earn your respect before you even begin to approach the scriptures he teaches?"

~Serena Woods at Grace is for Sinners~

"The Crucifix is at once both jarring and profound. You are forced to acknowledge the brutality of crucifixion–it is not a pleasant, polite, docile image. It is shocking. It is almost…garish. It made me ask myself: why? Why the crucifixion? Why such a brutal, seemingly needless end to life?

The only power that overcomes the reality of suffering, injustice and evil in this world is love. Only love conquers death."

~Elizabeth Esther~

"In the hands of a sinner, God is a dangerous weapon."

~Hillary at Quivering Daughters~

"What Love Really Means" JJ Heller

2011-03-27T20:24:00.000-07:00

Catty Wisdom

2011-03-15T16:36:00.000-07:00

Did you ever hear this scripture:
³For the time will come when they will not endure sound doctrine; but after their own lusts shall they heap to themselves teachers, having itching ears; (2 Timothy 4:3, King James Version)
wielded to say your pastor was the only one speaking God's truth?

Cherry-picked phrases are dangerous.

My Two Cents: should the walls come tumbling down?

2011-03-14T19:13:00.000-07:00

photo by erykag

Mending Wall

Something there is that doesn't love a wall,
That sends the frozen-ground-swell under it,
And spills the upper boulders in the sun;
And makes gaps even two can pass abreast.
The work of hunters is another thing:
I have come after them and made repair
Where they have left not one stone on a stone,
But they would have the rabbit out of hiding,
To please the yelping dogs. The gaps I mean,
No one has seen them made or heard them made,
But at spring mending-time we find them there.
I let my neighbor know beyond the hill;
And on a day we meet to walk the line
And set the wall between us once again.
We keep the wall between us as we go.
To each the boulders that have fallen to each.
And some are loaves and some so nearly balls
We have to use a spell to make them balance:
'Stay where you are until our backs are turned!'
We wear our fingers rough with handling them.
Oh, just another kind of outdoor game,
One on a side. It comes to little more:
There where it is we do not need the wall:
He is all pine and I am apple orchard.
My apple trees will never get across
And eat the cones under his pines, I tell him.
He only says, 'Good fences make good neighbors.'
Spring is the mischief in me, and I wonder
If I could put a notion in his head:
'Why do they make good neighbors? Isn't it
Where there are cows? But here there are no cows.
Before I built a wall I'd ask to know
What I was walling in or walling out,
And to whom I was like to give offense.
Something there is that doesn't love a wall,
That wants it down.' I could say 'Elves' to him,
But it's not elves exactly, and I'd rather
He said it for himself. I see him there
Bringing a stone grasped firmly by the top
In each hand, like an old-stone savage armed.
He moves in darkness as it seems to me,
Not of woods only and the shade of trees.
He will not go behind his father's saying,
And he likes having thought of it so well
He says again, 'Good fences make good neighbors.'
~Robert Frost~

“for whatever reasons, men continue to need marked boundaries, even when they find it difficult to justify their existence.”~George Montiero~

who makes the lambs fight? by Serena Woods

Repenting of a Political Mindset by Chaplain Mike @ Imonk

Cracked about the head

2011-03-10T19:11:00.000-08:00

image by RoseKeller in photobucket
Heaven have mercy on us all - Presbyterians and Pagans alike - for we are all somehow dreadfully cracked about the head, and sadly need mending.
~Herman Melville~

For Ash Wednesday

2011-03-09T16:11:00.000-08:00

My prayer for Ash Wednesday:

¹ Have mercy upon me, O God,
         According to Your lovingkindness;
         According to the multitude of Your tender mercies,
         Blot out my transgressions.
² Wash me thoroughly from my iniquity,
         And cleanse me from my sin.

³ For I acknowledge my transgressions,
         And my sin is always before me.
⁴ Against You, You only, have I sinned,
         And done this evil in Your sight—
         That You may be found just when You speak,
         And blameless when You judge.

⁵ Behold, I was brought forth in iniquity,
         And in sin my mother conceived me.
⁶ Behold, You desire truth in the inward parts,
         And in the hidden part You will make me to know wisdom.

⁷ Purge me with hyssop, and I shall be clean;
         Wash me, and I shall be whiter than snow.
⁸ Make me hear joy and gladness,
         That the bones You have broken may rejoice.
⁹ Hide Your face from my sins,
         And blot out all my iniquities.

¹⁰ Create in me a clean heart, O God,
         And renew a steadfast spirit within me.
¹¹ Do not cast me away from Your presence,
         And do not take Your Holy Spirit from me.

¹² Restore to me the joy of Your salvation,
         And uphold me by Your generous Spirit.
¹³ Then I will teach transgressors Your ways,
         And sinners shall be converted to You.

¹⁴ Deliver me from the guilt of bloodshed, O God,
         The God of my salvation,
         And my tongue shall sing aloud of Your righteousness.
¹⁵ O Lord, open my lips,
         And my mouth shall show forth Your praise.
¹⁶ For You do not desire sacrifice, or else I would give it;
         You do not delight in burnt offering.
¹⁷ The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit,
         A broken and a contrite heart—
         These, O God, You will not despise.

¹⁸ Do good in Your good pleasure to Zion;
         Build the walls of Jerusalem.
¹⁹ Then You shall be pleased with the sacrifices of righteousness,
         With burnt offering and whole burnt offering;
         Then they shall offer bulls on Your altar. (Psalm 51, New King James Version)

My Two Cents: Have you heard about the jailbreak?

2011-03-07T19:20:00.000-08:00

"But it comes down to this: If I am the one in control, then I am in a prison of my own making.

I have come to this place in my life: I either want to let go of my life and let God be in total control, or I want to be in total control myself. Splitting the duties just doesn’t work. “Balance” is not the way. (That is another essay for another day. Just know that the “B” word is not welcome with me.) I can try to earn my way into God’s good graces by doing all of the good and prudent things that Christians are supposed to do, or I can have God’s good Grace simply by receiving it."

~Jail Break~
Internet Monk

“Since when have you not had permission to live any way you like? Even in the prison of legalism, you are free to act and think and do anything you want. It just comes heaped with guilt. And guilt is not a way God speaks to us. Guilt comes from doing something you think you are not supposed to do, whether that goes against tradition or against what you have always been told is wrong or it goes against what religious teachers tell you is wrong. Guilt is based in fear, and fear is not of God. Fear is based on the thought of punishment. And if we are really and truly totally forgiven, then there is no more punishment ahead.”
~Monkshank Redemption~
Internet Monk

"Grace gives you your dignity back. Your dignity is rooted in the identity of Jesus. Jesus came FIRST. He’s not a plan B. He’s not an afterthought. He’s not a result of God saying, ‘Fine. I’ll do this.’ God wanted to ‘do this’. So He created us.

When we sin, we have all of hell trying to get us to believe that we haveruined everything. However, sin illuminates the need for Jesus. Hell wants you to believe that you’re only good enough if you’re good enough. God is trying to get you to see that He created you to need Him, therefore, without grace you are never going to be good enough. It’s not about your failure, it’s about the way this whole thin
g is set up. We’re useless without Him. Would you want it any other way?"
~getting your dignity back~
Serena Woods

"It’s so easy to miss this. Sometimes we even seem to want to miss this. Maybe we prefer things to be more complicated. Maybe we want to feel like we get some reward for our good works. Maybe we want to feel superior to all those sinners who don’t know how to lead a holy life. Maybe we think it isn’t fair that sinners get the same deal as righteous people. But then that’s probably how we felt about salvation before we first received Christ. That’s how we feel when we don’t like the Gospel."
~Just As You Received Christ...~
Eric Pazdziora

Lake {Me} Superior

2011-03-06T08:25:00.000-08:00

I am going to start this post by apologizing:This post is the apex of four thought processes train wrecking. Please excuse the messy thought and sentence structure as well as gratuitous allusions.

To start or rather to understand any of this rambling please watch the following clip. The section of 1:30-2:15 is relevant to my point:

The fact is I don’t live in Lake Male Superior. (Though a disturbing amount of men do- see here)

I live in Lake Me Superior (Just call me pond “J”)

Who came up with all the rules in Lake Me Superior? I did. I was influenced by parents, Bible reading and cult living (HA! You thought I was going to say good living didn’t you? Oh come on-just admit it :)

The point is: I made up my rules based on views handed to me by fallible parents and a skewed understanding of God)

Now no diving to conclusions. You might get hurt. I haven’t added a diving board to Lake Me.

There are moral absolutes. Ten of ‘em in Exodus. I haven't kept all of them all of the time-have you?

There AREN’T, however, me absolutes. Me absolutes used to say that all women who wore pants were sinning. Add a little makeup to that if you will you ungodly huzzy!

My absolute authority on this: A cult pastor. (Funny that it was okay though to steal people’s life savings. Just don’t wear pants and make up while you do it!)

My point: I am fallible. I do not make the rules. I am not (SNICKER!) a judgment stone. I list more toward the natural disaster zone.

Serena Woods describes it brilliantly:

People sit on their throne of judgement with their scepter of wisdom petting their bobble head lion of Judah and consider the shortcomings of others in order to determine their eternal position. The disease of the religious insider is the complacent familiarity with the profound evidence, turning the sovereign power of God (which should scare the skin off of us) into pathetic beliefs based on ‘vain imaginings, foolish reasoning, and stupid speculations.’ They would much rather serve a god who sits on their mantel, over seeing their living room lives with stoic approval. They don’t hear God speaking any more, their ‘minds have been darkened’, so they feel compelled to speak for Him.

I can quote because I am guilty. I have been a god with stoic approval for rule-abiders. As long as they wore skirts.

No more stoic allowed here and I am crushing my bobble-head doll.

The fact is that worshipping at the temple of my goodness (usefulness, godliness) is so much easier than working on my relationship with God

Relationships are hard. They are great one morning and boom the next morning it is a cat of a different color.

There is hurt, pain, and misunderstanding. And tomorrow there will just be more of the same.

Relationships require staying. If you stay through tomorrow's pain there might be next week's reconciliation.

Joy and laughter.

So here cometh the apex of my thought train wreck:

I realized I am not going to change the world with my blog. I am not even going to alert people to a destructive church in Dade City.

More often than not I find myself praying for the twisted person that abused my spirituality for her own gain. I pray she find peace.

I still struggle. I still have days of anger and nights of repenting for hatred.

But I pray. And breath. As Ann Voskamp said:

Just breathe.

And I think of it again, how it really is, the very name of God, YHWH, “is the sound of breathing.

The holiest name in the world, the Name of Creator, is the sound of your own breathing.”

I will breathe my prayers for healing and hope.

I am not going to read my google analytics and tie my self-worth to it. Thanks Jon!

This is all part of me walking away from the pain of the Cult Next Door (Experience not blog).

And totally unrelated topic :)...I heard in various places that Rob Bell is writing that the whole world is going to heaven and that Ann Voskamp has a book about what?!?! (See Elizabeth Esther's humorous explanation.)

Their influence has lead commenter KatR to hilarious determination:

I’m going to write a book where I claim that God lets non-Christians into heaven. And then has metaphorical sex with them. It’s going to be called “Love Wins A Thousand Gifts”. Please make sure that John Piper knows immediately, cause it’s all about the benjamins, baby.

SNICKER!!!! Thank you Elizabeth and KatR for putting things into perspective.

Might I humbly say that we should rejoice that a sister in Christ has allowed others to worship with her?
Or that a pastor is willing to explore John 3:16? Why does hell have to be the sell point?
^16-18"This is how much God loved the world: He gave his Son, his one and only Son. And this is why: so that no one need be destroyed; by believing in him, anyone can have a whole and lasting life. God didn't go to all the trouble of sending his Son merely to point an accusing finger, telling the world how bad it was. He came to help, to put the world right again. Anyone who trusts in him is acquitted; anyone who refuses to trust him has long since been under the death sentence without knowing it. And why? Because of that person's failure to believe in the one-of-a-kind Son of God when introduced to him. (John 3:16, The Message)

Ride on Rob Bell and Ann Voskamp.

Very respectfully: Maybe some other folks need to come out of Lake {ME} Superior?

I am putting my accusatory finger to rest and sing along with Anna Nalick:

/

Why not take a moment and share at Elizabeth Esther's Blog party?

I am here and there...

2011-03-03T16:48:00.000-08:00

I have been a scarce blogger since October- Life has a way of taking over one's time.

Mostly in that time I have been reading and healing.

And working to pay for gas.

And paying for gas to work. [SMILE!!!]

I do have some ideas for some posts...mostly just more "stuff" I want to say about healing.

I am going to share some of my favorite reads:

On the serious side:
The Secret Life of Grief by Hillary McFarland
Once again Hillary's writing shines on the haunting beauty of grief

Clean by Eric Pazdziora
Eric describes the glorious fact that we are indeed washed

This is where the healing begins by Tenth Avenue NorthI feel like dancing after listening to this song :)

dear unloved by Serena Woods

Serena describes perfectly the feeling of being an outcast

in light of all the furor Rob Bell has stirred up:

Jesus and _______

Lewis discusses with candor the Christianity's need to proclaim the burning side of grace

AND just for giggles:

If you need a belly laugh visit this site.

And no. They are not serious.

Free Download of "Churched" by Matthew Paul Turner

2011-02-28T16:42:00.000-08:00

Free download of Matthew's book (Thanks so much The Mom Creative!)

I am on chapter three...and understand completely the fear of riding in a car with a pastor.

Link:

Churched:one kid's journey toward God despite a holy mess

Thanks for sharing your heart, Matthew!

Ezekiel 34

2011-01-20T19:35:00.000-08:00

photo by anoldhippie in photobucket

^1-6 God's Message came to me: "Son of man, prophesy against the shepherd-leaders of Israel. Yes, prophesy! Tell those shepherds, 'God, the Master, says: Doom to you shepherds of Israel, feeding your own mouths! Aren't shepherds supposed to feed sheep? You drink the milk, you make clothes from the wool, you roast the lambs, but you don't feed the sheep. You don't build up the weak ones, don't heal the sick, don't doctor the injured, don't go after the strays, don't look for the lost. You bully and badger them. And now they're scattered every which way because there was no shepherd—scattered and easy pickings for wolves and coyotes. Scattered—my sheep!—exposed and vulnerable across mountains and hills. My sheep scattered all over the world, and no one out looking for them!
^7-9 "'Therefore, shepherds, listen to the Message of God: As sure as I am the living God—Decree of God, the Master—because my sheep have been turned into mere prey, into easy meals for wolves because you shepherds ignored them and only fed yourselves, listen to what God has to say:
¹⁰ "'Watch out! I'm coming down on the shepherds and taking my sheep back. They're fired as shepherds of my sheep. No more shepherds who just feed themselves! I'll rescue my sheep from their greed. They're not going to feed off my sheep any longer!
^11-16 "'God, the Master, says: From now on, I myself am the shepherd. I'm going looking for them. As shepherds go after their flocks when they get scattered, I'm going after my sheep. I'll rescue them from all the places they've been scattered to in the storms. I'll bring them back from foreign peoples, gather them from foreign countries, and bring them back to their home country. I'll feed them on the mountains of Israel, along the streams, among their own people. I'll lead them into lush pasture so they can roam the mountain pastures of Israel, graze at leisure, feed in the rich pastures on the mountains of Israel. And I myself will be the shepherd of my sheep. I myself will make sure they get plenty of rest. I'll go after the lost, I'll collect the strays, I'll doctor the injured, I'll build up the weak ones and oversee the strong ones so they're not exploited.
^17-19 "'And as for you, my dear flock, I'm stepping in and judging between one sheep and another, between rams and goats. Aren't you satisfied to feed in good pasture without taking over the whole place? Can't you be satisfied to drink from the clear stream without muddying the water with your feet? Why do the rest of my sheep have to make do with grass that's trampled down and water that's been muddied?
^20-22 "'Therefore, God, the Master, says: I myself am stepping in and making things right between the plump sheep and the skinny sheep. Because you forced your way with shoulder and rump and butted at all the weaker animals with your horns till you scattered them all over the hills, I'll come in and save my dear flock, no longer let them be pushed around. I'll step in and set things right between one sheep and another.
^23-24 "'I'll appoint one shepherd over them all: my servant David. He'll feed them. He'll be their shepherd. And I, God, will be their God. My servant David will be their prince. I, God, have spoken.
^25-27 "'I'll make a covenant of peace with them. I'll banish fierce animals from the country so the sheep can live safely in the wilderness and sleep in the forest. I'll make them and everything around my hill a blessing. I'll send down plenty of rain in season—showers of blessing! The trees in the orchards will bear fruit, the ground will produce, they'll feel content and safe on their land, and they'll realize that I am God when I break them out of their slavery and rescue them from their slave masters.
^28-29 "'No longer will they be exploited by outsiders and ravaged by fierce beasts. They'll live safe and sound, fearless and free. I'll give them rich gardens, lavish in vegetables—no more living half-starved, no longer taunted by outsiders. (Ezekiel 34, The Message)

Desperate by Fireflight

2011-01-17T18:55:00.000-08:00

I guess this is a week for music...:)

I'm not who I was by Brandon Heath

2011-01-14T20:12:00.001-08:00

A little Friday something for all my bloggy friends...so glad I'm not who I was :)

Spiritual Abuse Awareness Month

2011-01-09T14:55:00.000-08:00

Lisa Bertolini of Soul Liberty Faith has shared an inspirational post on Hillary McFarland's blog Quivering Daughters titled Behind Spiritual Abuse Awareness Month.

Listed below are posts I found inspirational as well as my own story.

Please take the opportunity to share your own story in the Mr. Linky widget.

I can't go to church anymore by Elizabeth Esther

Spiritual Abuse and the Gospel by Hillary McFarland

I Have a Sign: Answering Spiritual Abusers... by Eric Pazdziora

I See Dead People by Tales From the Crypt

The Manipulative Power of Peace by Lewis Wells

Just Be by Serena Woods

Pimps in the Pasture by The Secret Life of a Bishop's Wife

Works-Righteousness by Any Other Name... by imonk

My Story:
Can't You See That I Am Dying?

My Two Cents

2010-11-20T19:29:00.000-08:00

photo by magister in photobucket

A list of great reading!
These 7 Words
This 'can-do-must-do' society can become a little overwhelming

On So Called Biblical Womanhood
The title says it all

Anger and the Christian
A good post on a difficult subject

Hypocriticism
The best people in the world are Christians...so are the worst

The Dispelled Girl
A must-read

Battlefield of Grace
Serena Woods writes of being afraid of grace

And David writes of Thanksgiving:
^23-26 God remembered us when we were down,
      His love never quits.
   Rescued us from the trampling boot,
      His love never quits.
   Takes care of everyone in time of need.
      His love never quits.
   Thank God, who did it all!
      His love never quits! (Psalm 136:26, The Message)

And So....Rest!

2010-11-02T21:03:00.000-07:00

I was unable to post my last few thoughts on October 31st (downed Internet service) so I thought I'd sprinkle them out and about tonight.

It has been an amazing journey, this blog.

I found people who understand being afraid of church.

I have found people, even though wounded by their past, encourage grace and growth in Christ (that's you, Hillary!)

I have found people not afraid to say a spade is a spade and that intimidation in the name of religion is evil (Keep blogging, Lewis)

I have been blessed by the incredible insights by bloggers like Eric who understand the choke hold of legalism and Meg and Burnie who write openly and honestly of life out of the cult.

Provender's post describing how spiritual abuse is the invisible trauma was an eye-opener.

The blogger Recovering Alumni at 'My Teen Mania Experience' has my absolute respect. She has stood up to a mega organization for the lives it has harmed.

If you are coming out of a controlling family or church these people are good friends to have by your side.

My battle right now finding freedom from my approval addiction. Blogger Shari Howerton writes eloquently of her own struggle in this area (thank you for sharing your struggle, Shari)

Working in a consumer satisfaction environment has gone a long way to curing my approval addiction. No matter how good you are, how hard you work, how much you care you just can't make 'em all happy.

I might pop back from time to time to pass along some good reading. For now, however, I am going to rest. And watch 'Pushing Daisies' (my new love) and 'The Middle' (my new fav).

My words of wisdom to myself this week come from Max Lucado's 'He Still Moves Stones':

As long as you think you can control people's behavior toward you, you are held in bondage by their opinions...It's a game with unfair rules and fatal finishes. Jesus didn't play it nor should you...Having [approval] is desirable but not necessary for happiness and is not always possible. Jesus did not let the difficult dynamic of His family overshadow his call from God.

The Blue Castle: Sanity Shout Out IV

2010-10-31T06:43:00.000-07:00

L M Montgomery's Blue Castle describes the life of twenty-year old spinster, life completed controlled by an aged aunt and dour mother.

When told she has a year to live she leaves the control behind to live her remaining bit of life.
The plot may sound fanciful but it is grounded by Montgomery's realistic (at time of writing) description of the cowering Valency and her stuffed shirt relatives.

The book kept me hoping in second chances for twenty-nine year old spinsters :)

When cousin Stickles knocked at her door, Valancy knew it was half-past seven and she must get up. As long as she could remember, Cousin Stickles had knocked at her door at half-past seven. Cousin Stickles and Mrs. Frederick Stirling had been up since seven, but Valancy was allowed to lie abed half an hour longer because of a family tradition that she was delicate. Valancy got up, though she hated getting up more this morning than ever she had before. What was there to get up for? Another dreary day like all the days that had preceded it, full of meaningless little tasks, joyless and unimportant, that benefited nobody. But if she did not get up at once she would not be ready for breakfast at eight o'clock. Hard and fast times for meals were the rule in Mrs. Stirling's household. Breakfast at eight, dinner at one, supper at six, year in and year out. No excuses for being late were ever tolerated. So up Valancy got, shivering.

Shout Out For Penelope

2010-10-31T05:50:00.000-07:00

As this is my last day of regular posting on "TCND" I thought I'd give a few shout outs to books, movies, people and songs that made the journey out of the cult a little easier.

I absolutely love the movie "Penelope". When you come out of a cult you feel very freakish...being stuck with a pigs nose is comparable. Accepting yourself for who you are is an important part of the healing process.

Thanks, Reese, for this movie...it was lovely.

As Promised...I Wore My Hat (Via Jib Jab)

2010-10-30T22:28:00.001-07:00

Personalize funny videos and birthday eCards at JibJab!

In the post Some Days It Is Just A Monster Mash I talked about dressing up for Halloween as the witch the cult pastor always accused me of being...thanks to Jib Jab I did :)

Check The Spirits...And Not Just At The Door!

2010-10-30T08:22:00.000-07:00

01StevenK in photobucket

¹Beloved, believe not every spirit, but try the spirits whether they are of God: because many false prophets are gone out into the world. (1 John 4:1, King James Version)
¹ My dear friends, don't believe everything you hear. Carefully weigh and examine what people tell you. Not everyone who talks about God comes from God. There are a lot of lying preachers loose in the world. (1 John 4:1, The Message)

Pastor Gene Jennings at True North Church preached last Sunday on hearing the voice of God. (Just to be clear: this is my wonderful new very safe church...not the spooky old church)

Pastor Jennings presented the litmus test to know if the "voice" (thoughts, impressions,other's words) is of God:

agrees with Scripture
makes one's actions more Christ-like
is confirmed by other believers
gives a sense of peace

He noted that if the "voice" directs away from the Scriptures it is false.

Pastor Jennings, I wish I believed that truth eleven years ago...heck make that twenty years ago. (Though as a twelve year old I'm not sure how I could have left the cult behind...well, anyhoo)

The cult leader of a Dade City church told a congregant to leave his wife as she was not attending the cult. Let's see...hmm...didn't Jesus say:

^5-9Jesus said, "Moses wrote this command only as a concession to your hardhearted ways. In the original creation, God made male and female to be together. Because of this, a man leaves father and mother, and in marriage he becomes one flesh with a woman—no longer two individuals, but forming a new unity. Because God created this organic union of the two sexes, no one should desecrate his art by cutting them apart." (Mark 10:5, The Message)

She told another congregant that she should not care for her ailing mother. She went so far as to quote:

²⁰Jesus was curt: "Are you ready to rough it? We're not staying in the best inns, you know."
²¹Another follower said, "Master, excuse me for a couple of days, please. I have my father's funeral to take care of."
²²Jesus refused. "First things first. Your business is life, not death. Follow me. Pursue life." (Matthew 8:20-22, The Message)

I'm not a scholar so I don't understand why Christ was telling the man not to attend his father's funeral. What I do understand is that she put herself in the place of Christ by saying that the adult child should give more loyalty to the church (a.k.a her) than to a biological mother.
Paul said:

^3-8 Tell these things to the people so that they will do the right thing in their extended family. Anyone who neglects to care for family members in need repudiates the faith. That's worse than refusing to believe in the first place. (1 Timothy 5:3, The Message)

She instructed church members to shun young children as they were "under an evil influence". We are talking six, seven, eight year olds. Can you imagine the devastating effect this had on the child?

I failed and made wrong decisions that hurt others while in the Dade City cult. One thing I did do right and I am fiercely glad and yes, PROUD of was refusing to ignore a child. I was yelled at over the pulpit and called proud and a promoter of rebellion. After the service I confronted the pastor and told her why I refused to "shun" a child. I told her that there is a Scripture that actually suggests suicide:

¹Then said he unto the disciples, It is impossible but that offences will come: but woe unto him, through whom they come!
²It were better for him that a millstone were hanged about his neck, and he cast into the sea, than that he should offend one of these little ones.
³Take heed to yourselves: If thy brother trespass against thee, rebuke him; and if he repent, forgive him. (Luke 17:1-3, King James Version)

I quoted the King James as any other version was 'worldly'.

Here is how the 'worldly' version, The Message, reads:

^1-2He said to his disciples, "Hard trials and temptations are bound to come, but too bad for whoever brings them on! Better to wear a millstone necklace and take a swim in the deep blue sea than give even one of these dear little ones a hard time!
^3-4"Be alert. If you see your friend going wrong, correct him. If he responds, forgive him. Even if it's personal against you and repeated seven times through the day, and seven times he says, 'I'm sorry, I won't do it again,' forgive him." (Luke 17:1-3, The Message)

Ohhhhh! So we're supposed to forgive! It's not our job to enforce a repentant spirit....hmmmm! Jesus says it is better to end your life than to give a little one a hard time... Sounds like her theology wasn't from God!

Thankfully my family and I finally "tested" her spirit and let tell you...it ain't from God, friend.

And we got the hell out of that church-or rather, we left the hell of that church behind.

edwardo37 in photobucket

I beg you, reader, test the spirit. Test the words. Test the pastor.

There are zombie pastors out there my friend and they want your brain.

^1-6 God's Message came to me: "Son of man, prophesy against the shepherd-leaders of Israel. Yes, prophesy! Tell those shepherds, 'God, the Master, says: Doom to you shepherds of Israel, feeding your own mouths! Aren't shepherds supposed to feed sheep? You drink the milk, you make clothes from the wool, you roast the lambs, but you don't feed the sheep. You don't build up the weak ones, don't heal the sick, don't doctor the injured, don't go after the strays, don't look for the lost. You bully and badger them. And now they're scattered every which way because there was no shepherd—scattered and easy pickings for wolves and coyotes. Scattered—my sheep!—exposed and vulnerable across mountains and hills. My sheep scattered all over the world, and no one out looking for them! (Ezekiel 34:1-3, The Message)

¹⁵ The gullible believe anything they're told;
the prudent sift and weigh every word. (Proverbs 14:15, The Message)

On a more positive note...The series "Hear God Speak" will be available for listening on the True North website. Absolutely worth your listening time. As stated above I wish I had heard this sermon twenty years ago. Many thanks to Pastor Steve and Gene for speaking on the subject.

Lift Up Your Face

2010-10-22T19:17:00.001-07:00

Hazing: The Fraternity Tatics of Spiritual Abusers

2010-10-22T19:01:00.000-07:00

In 1978, Alfred University student Chuck Stenzel decided to join the fraternity Klan Alpine. To become one of the 'brethren',Chuck was given a bottle of wine, pint of whiskey and six pack of beer, locked in the trunk of a car with other pledges, and left in nine degree temperature.When the alcohol was finished, the trunk would be opened.

When the trunk was opened, Chuck was unconscious. He died later that night.

The fraternity denied responsibility of his death.

His mother Eileen determined to find the truth. Klan Alpine members, however, were reluctant to speak out of the 'code of silence' employed by the fraternity.Overcoming members' reluctance to speak out, Eileen eventually pieced together the story of Chuck's last day and determined to fight the oppressive tactics of fraternity hazing.

As I read the story, I was shocked at the loyalty of the frat members. They would rather that an abusive system live on to kill someone else rather than speak the truth of Chuck's death. However, at this point, I had an "Eureka!" moment. Hadn't I myself been part and parcel of a group who employed abuse and mind-controlling techniques similar to those of a fraternity?Hadn't I myself protected a Dade City church 'fraternity' with years of silence?

Thankfully, Eileen started a movement that abolished many college hazings.

She said:

"Subservience, ridicule, verbal abuse, intimidation, sleep deprivation, forced calisthenics, unfair tests are all hazing and should be reported. No one should compromise their dignity to belong to any group. If you are allowing yourself to be hazed, or looking the other way when someone else is being hazed, you are enabling this ugly practice to continue and jeopardizing the emotional and physical well being of others. You are the future of fraternity. You have rights and an important voice. This is a time of growth and personal development. You are in a unique position to strengthen your chapter, implement change and set a tone for the future. Only you can eradicate the cancer of hazing. You will face many challenges and choices. I implore you to do so with leadership and courage."

Eileen might have been saying this about belonging to a spiritually abusive group as well as a fraternity hazing.

Spiritual abusers have a gamut of practices to steal the dignity of their followers. In the church I attended, the pastor preached against associating with members who had left the group. She had 'spies' who would follow parishioners to 'make sure' the parishioner was not associating with 'workers of iniquity' (members who had left the church). She also closely monitored any visits a parishioner made to family members, inside or outside of the church.

Imagine how demoralizing it is for a forty year old to ask permission to go see his sisters and brothers or a fifty year old to have to 'check-in' with the pastor about inviting her parents over for supper.Yet, even following the pastor's every rule on reporting 'family associations', the parishioner still would have at least two church services a year in which the pastor would preach for two or more hours in general tones about the evils of family association. She was wily enough not to say names, yet the whole congregation knew who she was speaking to, and the 'guilty' parishioner knew the only absolution lay in his presenting himself to the pastor in front of the congregation for a lengthy prayer session or 'family spirit exorcism'.

These examples sound extreme and incomprehensible to a person who has never experienced the 'hazing' of a spiritual abuser.Yet parishioners consider this domination normal and acceptable for the 'fraternity' pastor has decreed it is so.

"Subservience, ridicule, verbal abuse, intimidation, sleep deprivation, forced calisthenics, unfair tests are all hazing and should be reported."
Parishioners of a Dade City church receive a check mark on all listed points for spiritual abuse 'hazing'.

The pastor would call night or day and her demands had to be immediately met.

Check for subservience.

Parishioners' dress, weight, and worship styles were mocked by the pastor and the 'in group'.

Check for ridicule.

Two hours of 'counseling' in which parishioners are repeatedly yelled at for being 'lustful' and have 'demons' cast out by the pastor yelling in one's face.

Check for verbal abuse and intimation.

Sadly, spiritual abuse victims have no one to which they can report this 'hazing' lifestyle.

Yet even more sadly, members who have not left the abusive church do not consider this lifestyle abusive. A bizarre loyalty to this church 'fraternity' not unlike Stockholm syndrome seals the parishioners' lips.

After enduring the aforementioned 'counseling' session, I would thank the pastor repeatedly for 'looking out for my soul'. Church services often consisted of parishioner's testimonies of how happy they were to be a part of the 'true family of God' and how they would be glad to choose this 'family' over their natural family.

None of the emotional damage of the pastor's tactics is ever acknowledge by the abused. He doesn't speak of it to 'outside' family or friends. As this is 'God's elect' fraternity, he desires to have it appear only in the best light. He realizes that 'worldly' associations would not understand 'God's cleansing' and would question 'God's mouthpiece', the pastor. Somewhere in his mind he reasons that he deserved the abuse, that it is God's way of cleansing him.

When a fortunate parishioner would gather the strength to 'break free' of the abusive church I attended, remaining members were counseled on the 'evils' (mistakes or foibles of character) of this abandoning 'frat' brother. This discouraged credence of the departed parishioner's story of abuse.In this, the pastor gained two victories: The 'escaped' parishioner was vilified and her oft repeated stories of persecution were given credibility.

On the blog Wittenberg Gate: Applying Scriptures to every sphere of life the author makes this observation of a new member's introduction in a controlling church:

"You may be given accounts of past problems in the church and explanations for why all this was the fault of others. For example, you may hear of a group of people who were in some sort of sin, caused a problem in the church, and then were expelled or left on their own. Manipulative people use this sort of technique in order to prepare you ahead of time when they expect you might hear of these problems from others. Later, when you hear of the complaints of a former church member, you may be predisposed, by the information you hear now, to think the fault lies with the former member. We tend to believe what we heard first when contradictory information is given.You may hear stories that glorify the pastor or other controlling person. You might hear of how he endured trials, especially the attacks of others, or stood alone for what is right."

And so the spiritual fraternity's control is complete: New members are anxious to be a part of what appears to be a group sold totally out to God. They may hear disturbing accounts from parishioners who have left but dismiss their credibility because the 'frat leader' pastor has warned the new member of the evils of these 'disgruntled' ex-parishioner: they didn't have the dedication to 'go all the way with God' and are driven by an 'evil spirit'.

The 'frat' pastor allows some time for the new member to luxuriate in the glow of the attention showered on them by church members and the energizing mentality of 'selling it all out for God'. The new member gives freely of his time and talents; not much is expected of him- for now. He notes that older members are sometimes harshly disciplined. He doesn't worry too much about it, though. His dedication to God is mentioned often in the services in glowing terms by the pastor and the 'inner circle'.

Suddenly, in the mist of this glory fest, hazing time arrives. His person hood and ties to family members are disclaimed by the pastor from the pulpit. He sits in shock as she rails on and on against him and his supposedly evil actions.

It's time to pledge your undying loyalty to 'God's mouthpiece'.The new member doesn't dare speak of his abuse to anyone outside the church fraternity. That would be questioning God and His 'Under-Shepherd'.

The new member resolves to 'suck it up' and take the abuse. After all, it's a small price to pay to be a member of 'God's elect' fraternity.

Right?

The story of Chuck Stenzel and Eileen Stevens' statement on fraternities can be found on the website: http://hazing.hanknuwer.com/broken.html

The quote from 'Controlling Personalities in the Church' can be found on the blog:http://dory.typepad.com/wittenberg_gate/2005/05/controlling_per_1.html
image by crystal_trevor in photobucket

"No one should compromise their dignity to belong to any group."

My Two Cents

2010-10-15T14:15:00.000-07:00

This is my two cents worth of great reading:

Obedience To Whom?

Blogger Serena Woods answers a reader's question about church authority

Ravens Story-Conclusion

Not for the faint of heart...I have linked the last portion of the young lady's story. Teen Mania is a so-called ministry in Texas that, according to multiple accounts, terrorizes and abuses its members all in the name of God.

A Handy Guide To Being Annoying On Twitter

Just plain funny from Elizabeth Esther

The Danger Of Projecting An Identity
Donald Miller says:

" ...projecting a righteous identity teaches people they will be safe as long as they are righteous which is a lie."

Wow. Just Wow. I think that might be quote for the month.

^1-3 Now Jesus turned to address his disciples, along with the crowd that had gathered with them. "The religion scholars and Pharisees are competent teachers in God's Law. You won't go wrong in following their teachings on Moses. But be careful about following them. They talk a good line, but they don't live it. They don't take it into their hearts and live it out in their behavior. It's all spit-and-polish veneer.
^4-7"Instead of giving you God's Law as food and drink by which you can banquet on God, they package it in bundles of rules, loading you down like pack animals. They seem to take pleasure in watching you stagger under these loads, and wouldn't think of lifting a finger to help. Their lives are perpetual fashion shows, embroidered prayer shawls one day and flowery prayers the next. They love to sit at the head table at church dinners, basking in the most prominent positions, preening in the radiance of public flattery, receiving honorary degrees, and getting called 'Doctor' and 'Reverend.'
^8-10"Don't let people do that to you, put you on a pedestal like that. You all have a single Teacher, and you are all classmates. Don't set people up as experts over your life, letting them tell you what to do. Save that authority for God; let him tell you what to do. No one else should carry the title of 'Father'; you have only one Father, and he's in heaven. And don't let people maneuver you into taking charge of them. There is only one Life-Leader for you and them—Christ.
^11-12"Do you want to stand out? Then step down. Be a servant. If you puff yourself up, you'll get the wind knocked out of you. But if you're content to simply be yourself, your life will count for plenty. (Matthew 23:1-12, The Message)

More Like Falling In Love by Jason Gray

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PUykOG0xhEk

Unfortunately I couldn't embed the video...worth the trip to youtube...great song!

Write or read a great post? Share it on Mr. Linky!

It Wasn't Supposed To Be This Way

2010-10-10T07:27:00.000-07:00

^19-21I'll never forget the trouble, the utter lostness,
   the taste of ashes, the poison I've swallowed.
I remember it all—oh, how well I remember—
   the feeling of hitting the bottom.
But there's one other thing I remember,
   and remembering, I keep a grip on hope: (Lamentations 3:19-21, The Message)

At the library Thursday night I found a book by Kay Arthur entitled When the Hurt Runs Deep. No stranger to pain (her first husband was a suicide victim) Arthur titles her first chapter "It Wasn't Supposed to Be This Way".

Which coincidentally has been the title of my latest litany to God. From Monday on I have emphasized over and over to Him how the church is supposed to be the last place on earth that someone gets hurt. How that walking into a church shouldn't make me have panic attacks.

Dealing with resulting pain from other's choices isn't easy. Arthur doesn't hold any punches as she relates stories of a woman impregnated by her dad, a girl molested for eight years by her pastor father. Another mother of a suicide victim wrote:

Everyone said he was the strongest Christian they knew, so it is almost impossible to understand. my other child is...very ill. Why do these things happen? I had it all...now we are left with rubble. Does God care?

Arthur writes:

This woman's questions are ones we all wrestle with at times...Why us? Why now? Does God care?

A technique I tried (unsuccessfully) to deal with the pain and questions was to measure my pain against others, such as this breaved mother. "At least all my family made it out of the cult alive." The thought in itself is fine and true. I can be thankful that no family members were a suicide victim in the cult.

The thought in its completeness was this: "No family member lost their life to the cult. Therefore there are others who have greater losses than me and deserve the right to mourn and ask questions."

And the Pharisee me pops back into light: everything from pain to righteous acts are measured on a scale and I don't measure up.

This line of thinking was promoted by the pastor of the Dade City church. I was called in the office once and berated because I was worried about a family member that had a broken arm. I was told that there were members of the church suffering so much more (the members happened to be her 'special' 'family' members) and that they had the right to be worried about family circumstances. My pain didn't measure up. I didn't deserve to worry.

Just another of her devilishly brilliant tactics: If you take away the person's "right" to feel pain they never bother questioning God why the pain is there. Take God and the need or "right" to ask God questions out of the equation and who's left? The cult leader...standing where she always meant to stand: In God's place. The pain of life is too much to take by yourself and since you don't have the "right" to talk to God about it you would end up talking to her.

Wow! I just realized once again how incredibly twisted this woman was and unfortunately still is...she is a true witch!

So maybe that's the point of this portion of pain...I finally figured out that I have the "right" to talk to God about it. I'll tell Him again today how I am tired of the fall out from a sick, narcissistic woman's need for control. I'll ask again when He is going to stop her evilness. I'll beg Him to give me a day off from all the questions...a day to just be.

David had to understand. He talks about hiding in God's presence in Psalms 91...hiding from deadly traps and hidden arrows under God's arms. God tells him:

^14-16 "If you'll hold on to me for dear life," says God,
      "I'll get you out of any trouble.
   I'll give you the best of care
      if you'll only get to know and trust me.
   Call me and I'll answer, be at your side in bad times;
      I'll rescue you, then throw you a party.
   I'll give you a long life,
      give you a long drink of salvation!" (Psalm 91:14-16, The Message)

I'll keep a grip on hope. I have the right to communicate with a heavenly Father about the fall out. I don't know why everything is "this way". It wasn't supposed to be this way. But as Jeremiah said:

^22-24God's loyal love couldn't have run out,
   his merciful love couldn't have dried up.
They're created new every morning.
   How great your faithfulness!
I'm sticking with God (I say it over and over).
   He's all I've got left.
^25-27God proves to be good to the man who passionately waits,
   to the woman who diligently seeks.
It's a good thing to quietly hope,
   quietly hope for help from God.
It's a good thing when you're young
   to stick it out through the hard times.
^28-30When life is heavy and hard to take,
   go off by yourself. Enter the silence.
Bow in prayer. Don't ask questions:
   Wait for hope to appear.
Don't run from trouble. Take it full-face.
   The "worst" is never the worst. (Lamentations 3:22-30, The Message)

I'm sticking with God...I'll say it over and over.

^31-33Why? Because the Master won't ever
   walk out and fail to return.
If he works severely, he also works tenderly.
   His stockpiles of loyal love are immense.
He takes no pleasure in making life hard,
   in throwing roadblocks in the way: (Lamentations 3:31-32, The Message)

I would remind the pastor of the Dade City church of the next verse:

^34-36Stomping down hard
   on luckless prisoners,
Refusing justice to victims
   in the court of High God,
Tampering with evidence—
   the Master does not approve of such things. (Lamentations 3:34-36, The Message)
photo by fortschreitend of Parkersburg tornado damage

My Two Cents on Good Reading (and Listening!)

2010-10-10T05:30:00.000-07:00

I'm the chick with the broken heart by Elizabeth Esther

Sheep Story by Eric Pazdziora

8 Techniques For Thought Control by My Teen Mania Experience

Encouragement by Darcy's Heart Stirrings

Lamentations 3:19

Building an Altar by Lewis Wells

I See Dead People by Meg and Burnie

Michael W Smith sings about church abuse

Don't forget to share your two cents!

photos by davidfaboyd and magistar in photobucket

Share Two Cents

2010-10-09T07:53:00.000-07:00

Though I won't be posting regularly after October 31st I do want to host a monthly "share fest".

Share your two cents! Share two of your recent posts or mix and match it with a favorite post you've read. Make it more fun by alerting your readers of the chance to share. Be sure to share a comment explaining why you chose the two posts.

I am sharing my post "Some Days It's Just a Monster Mash" in the spirit of Halloween as well as Elizabeth Esther's "I'm the Chick With the Broken Heart".
Here is Mr. Linky...so give us your two cents!

I have discovered wonderful authors from Elizabeth Esther and Stuff Christians Like respective blog parties- Thanks for hosting, Elizabeth and Jon!

Thanks for sharing! Your two cents are important!

In giving you are throwing a bridge across the chasm of your solitude. ~Antoine de Saint-Exupéry, The Wisdom of the Sands, translated from French by Stuart Gilbert

Now I Thrive

2010-10-04T15:47:00.000-07:00

Another dear family member shares their account of life in the Dade City church:

Where does a person begin to tell about the mental abuse? I’ll just tell the truth.

Friday night youth meetings did last for hours - and, [name with held] did in fact tell us not to let the Pastor know how long she kept us in youth meeting. These meetings were not times of fellowship, sharing or “God moving,” but more {name with held] yelling at us and chewing us out, telling us how we were not measuring up to God’s standards (as she defined them).

I remember reading my Bible on my own, and coming to a saving knowledge and a loving relationship with Jesus during this time, understanding my life’s purpose to become more and more Christ-like. This was definitely not the message being preached on Friday nights. It was made clear to all of us that no matter what we did, we would never be good enough – we would always be a disappointment to God, unless we surrendered our lives to her direction, without question. This was also the time [name with held] started to exert control over behavior. We were shown how to shun kids that didn’t meet her expectations, and other social pressures were brought to bear. Many of those kids grew up to be very good at shunning at her command.

Without going into all the gruesome details, [name with held] continued to “work” with the youth. When the Pastor passed away from an illness in the late 80’s, she began to work to take control over the church, undermining the successor the Pastor had chosen. By about 1990, [name with held] had become head pastor, and church began its dissent into becoming a cult. Once she had control of the church, she began working on individuals.

After high school, my life became more and more enveloped by the “needs” of the church, and[name with held]. By 1990, there was room for nothing else. My life consisted of working a full time job, attending church services, prayer meetings, etc, 4 days a week (twice on Sunday), working for a cleaning company 2-3 times/week for which no one was paid except [name with held] (she owned the company, but did not work there), with stories about what a hard worker she was as a young person (something we later found out was greatly exaggerated), we were to do maintenance on the church, and prepare for numerous “special” events (Christmas, graduation, etc.) Not to mention keeping the church clean. What little time there was for social time, we did what [name with held] wanted, when she wanted. This went on for 15 years.

There were many just truly awful times – most originating from ideas, ambitions and dreams I had for my life that were not in line with what [name with held] thought I should do or be. I very much wanted to live within my means, but[name with held] was very big on trips, gifts, etc. Whether I, or she, had the money for these things was of little consequence to her. One time she paid my share of a trip to Washington D.C., where I had to share one hotel room with six other girls. A trip I was MADE to go on. Then I was chewed out for charging (I didn’t have the money) a gift for my boss because they covered for me while I was gone. If you received gifts from her, they had strings attached. One time I remember wanting to be out of the doghouse so bad I took cash out on a credit card to give her spending money. Never did she say “Can you afford this?” Another time I bought her ticket to Denver. So many people in the church came to financial ruin, many being forced into bankruptcy, just trying to buy their way out of her wrath…the crazy thing it only fed the ego that so dominates that controlling behavior. Not only that time but, many other times I “couldn’t afford it.” It’s like an unwritten law that if you want a new dress, you could have one IF you bought her one too. Oh, and by the way a great number of people have had to file some sort of bankruptcy. In retrospect, I should have known I was never going to please her, because I would never completely “sell out” to her. One desire I had ever since I was a young woman was to have a husband and a family….this was definitely not in [name with held] plans for my life (a husband and family means less focus on her)

I remember in a Tuesday night prayer meeting, we were in a circle, all of a sudden she grabbed my arms and started to shake me trying to cast “nasty lustful” spirits out of me. Another incident happened when I was younger (where to this day I feel I was set up for), one of the guys was just hired at a shop and he wanted to show me the building along with another young man—he was a friend, so I got into the car! Oh, how could I have been so bad! Well, I paid! The door to hell was wide open! I was as nasty as a prostitute and should be shunned, rebuked and have weeks of youth meetings spent on casting out of the evil in my putrefied heart. BUT, I have to testify at this moment. In that season of my young life, I (in my tiny room at my Father’s house) found myself on my knees crying out from the depths of my soul for God to take the natural desire for a family of my own away if it was ungodly. THE MOST AMAZING THING HAPPENED! God didn’t. Instead He gave me a dream and an Angel visitation! It’s been about 22 years ago, but the visit and dream was like yesterday. No one could take that from me. God loved me and (although ending my life at times seemed the only answer) I loved Him. As years past, I was kept (as were others) so busy (it was assumed) I wouldn’t have time to think for myself yet the years past and the control grew tighter. Every time it was time to go to church my stomach would ache. I knew for the next 2 to 3 hours we would sit, stand, worship and beg to her heart’s content. I know everybody loved it when she was out of town because they were relaxed and church was short and everyone was in a good mood, and I mean even the ones who lived in her house. Don’t even start thinking about what goes on in the house. There’s not enough time to touch on that subject.

Early on my father (a super dad) disagreed with [name with held] and she told me to stay away from and move out because he was under a spirit. Yeah! He had the right spirit. Ohhhhh, the all nighters. Getting ready for Christmas and graduation was always a nightmare! First I go to my job, then cleaning the buildings then cleaning at church. Scrubbing and stripping the flooring, painting (I was not a painter-never was good enough to earn that one) Toilets! Now that’s what this “Non-soul seller” could do well. It has been 11 years since I “ran away” from GAC. What I found was God has LOTS of wonderful people! Real people, smart, (so smart it would blow your mind) godly people who really do the real work for Him. I’m not in the doghouse at church; my pastors are both creative and very educated. We have many professional people who go on mission trips and work in soup kitchens. Education is not our enemy, it’s one way God can free us. People can be freed. Therapy is OK.

I am living my dream. I am so happy. Married to the most wonderful Godly man. He is one of the nicest people I’ve ever met. We get to do things that really make a difference in this world. Like, host home Bible studies (which we actually study the Bible—something [name with held] would start and never really do), feed the poor, and help widows. We pray together. And best of all, we have the pleasure of sharing the True Gospel. Oh, I still have a moment now and then where an association will try to raise its ugly head but, being a part of the solid Bible believing Church and with my husband’s support (who is the head of our home, as the Christian Men should be) I am able to keep the past where it belongs. No longer a part of a horrid cult! I am not just in survival mode—no! I Thrive!

by Real love in Christ.

Blinded By False Love

2010-10-03T17:03:00.000-07:00

This account was written by a very dear friend of mine.

To my eternal consternation and regret I was the one that invited she and her sister to the Dade City church, thereby inducing her in the cult.

There are so many decision and words I would take back if I had the chance.

Inviting her to attend the cult with me is the action I wish most desperately to take back.

Thankfully she is still my friend and has never made me feel guilty or responsible for introducing her into this life of horror.

I am proud to say she thrives, a fulfilled woman unshackled by her past.

God bless you, Friend.

My Sister and I entered "the Cult" life when I was 12 and she was 10 when our parents enrolled us into what seems a very innocent church/school.

Unbeknown to my parents this was a very big mistake. They were quite impressed by the warm greeting they received from the teacher and principal , even some of the church members greeted us with extreme courtesy.

I remember thinking where were all the kids , not realizing that "the church kids" I were my age, but were dressed and looked as if they were in there 20's and 30's.

The girls wore dresses and skirts that I had seen at the "old lady " departments in Dillard's and Bealls.

The boys were wearing dress coats and old style pants that I had seen on older men of their 50's.I couldn't even imagine conforming to wearing those clothes and styling my hair the way they did.

Well soon after we starting school, I was immersed into how kind I was treated and gifts started to get laid down at my feet. I was honored with "people person" and varies other awards. I couldn't help but think WOW they must really think I'm special and I just ate it up ! I began staying after school more and helping around the church property with the "church kids". Slowly I fell into a pit of FALSE LOVE.

The Principal asked me and my sister to call her Granny and made us feel obligated to give her Grandmother cards for Mother's day and Birthday presents on her birthday.

In fact I will never forget her birthday and it was always a feeling of panic that came over the church on what gift would be honored to her sight.

Me being the very observant person that I am, watched consistently to see the give and take of what I thought was a "family" love.

Everyone was called Sister and Brother, and if you were really blessed in her sight than some were called Aunt and Uncle.

My sister and I began going to every service Tuesday night, Wed Night, Sat Night , Sunday Morning and Sunday Night....each service we hid the many journals we were made to write it from our parents. "Granny" made us think our parents were "worldly " and "living for men", so we began to rebel against them, saying that our "real family" was on that hill (the cult) and that we wanted to walk with God.

Looking back I know I hurt my parents probably very deeply for some of the comments we made to them. Unlike the families in the church we owned TV's and had pants in our closets, this gave us the advantage to stay in tact with everyday life. But when my family wanted to get together to go swimming or the movies we made excuses that we were too busy and didn't want to join them.

We became the "CHURCH KIDS" and with that title we were ridiculed in church for having " the look of Satan" on our faces and I in particular wanted to sleep with every man in church and was called several times at Harlot and had the Spirit of Lust allllll over me.

My Sister had the Spirit of Pride and was told that she was getting fat and could start wearing the pastor's hand me downs (sizes 16 plus) she was humiliated over and over again. We were matched with two boys in the church and we told that it was the Lord's perfect plan for us to be there for them.

There are many stories of pain I could write , but the one incident that stopped the insanity of following this false love was a prayer meeting on the Tuesday night before Feb 4th (my sister's birthday).

My so called "Granny" shook me violently in front of all the church members and screamed into my ear that "I was letting the Lusting Spirit take over my life". Well to my sister that was the straw that broke the camels back.

That night she went home to our parents and told them everything that was going on for 6 years while we were there. I begged her not to, but later on realized how right she was for reaching out for help.

The next day my parents withdrew us out of school and we were pulled away, literally forever from those (sisters, aunts, uncles, brothers) we loved and depended on while we were in that place.....they looked at us in horror and I'm sure some of them wished they could go with us.

It was like we had to learn how to live all over again, we were so hidden for so many years.

Perfect by Nature

Icons of Self Indulgence
Just what we all need
More lies about the World
That never was and never will be
Have you no shame, don't you see me
You know you've got everybody fooled

Look here she comes now
Bow down and stare in wonder
Oh how we love you
No flaws when your pretending
But I know she....
That never was and never will be
Have you no shame, don't you see me
You know you've got everybody fooled

Without a mask
Where will you hide
Can't find yourself
Lost in your lies
I Know the TRUTH now
I Know who you are
And I don't love you anymore

By Blinded By False Love

Saturday Evening Blog Post @ Elizabeth Esther's

2010-10-03T06:41:00.000-07:00

Head over to EE's and join the blog party!

Some Days It's Just a Monster Mash

2010-10-02T21:19:00.000-07:00

In an interview with Focus on the Family author Frank Peretti explained his motivation for writing about monsters. As a child he had a medical condition which turned his tongue an oozing black.

As children are often the cruelest beings on the planet, Peretti suffered through taunts of being a “monster”. Choosing the positive aspect of a bad situation, he decided to see monsters as “cool” and himself as special in being associated with them.

This post is in celebration of choosing the positive, and yes, even the humorous aspect of feeling like a freak.

After living in a fundamental cult for twenty plus years, I escaped into what I thought would be stress-free living. I survived hell on earth- now it was time to lay back and relax, right?

That might be right for some. And if you are part of that some, congratulations- you have the good life.

For me and many that I have spoken with, coming out of the cult is the easy part. Living outside of the cult is the true challenge.

For many, the challenge proves too great and they return to the cult, though it be harsh and unforgiving, at least they understand how it functions.

I grew up inside the cult, attended the cult’s school, and after graduation was told that I needed to volunteer my time in return for the all the cult had given me.

When I escaped, and left behind the twisted, haunted laboratory of mind control I discovered that, surprise! I had stunted social skills, an amputated sense of self, and a macabre understanding of what my future would be.

Like Frankenstein, I raged (mentally, at least) at the perverted mind that amputated my sense of self and hijacked my devotion to God to serve her evil empire.

I stomped about for a year, howling with anger at whoever I could. I hated parties; they reminded me of a “get-together” at her house. These often included being yelled at in her bedroom (if you were lucky) and in front of everyone (if you weren’t).

I hated searching for a job. How do you explain away a decade plus that you gave away? How you never finished college because you were too tired to think after forty hours of volunteering, five nights a week of church, and twelve plus hours a week of cleaning on her cleaning crew?

Honestly, I felt like a Picasso painting walking into a job interview that said, “This is me. My nose is on my chin and my eyes are in my forehead. I don’t know how to make decisions, I think my worth is below minimum wage, and I will never speak up for myself. So, please hire me (if it’s not too inconvenient) I know I’m a freak, just let me scuttle around in the background quietly.”

Here lies the dividing line. Some well meaning but utterly clueless soul might say that I should believe that God was ‘working a good work’ in my life and in the middle of it all and I should praise my way into joy at this knowledge.

This is foolish thinking. God did not and never will plan abuse to ‘work His good work in you’. What is at work here is the fact that humanity has free will and a pastor chose to use her position of leadership to satiate her need for control. She placed herself as a god and will, unless she has the good sense to repent, one day stand in judgment for deeds.

What I do know is that God gives ‘beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning’.

And so for the Frank Peretti moment of deciding to embrace the experience (not the abuse), acknowledge where I am because of it, and take stock of skills I learned in the proverbial fire.

As for where I am:

I spent years wishing to know the joys of marriage, for as Luther said there is nothing more comforting than a marriage.

I met and married a wonderful man a year after leaving the cult. Our paths would not have crossed if I had lived a different life.

What I have learned:

I am resilient, having lived under extreme stress and oppression.

I have empathy for others who have experienced abuse or slavery.

The skills I have acquired:

Endurance in the workplace and a willingness to go the extra mile.

One ex-cult member showed beautiful perspective in dressing up as the pastor for Halloween. Their motivation was she was the scariest character they could think of.

It was a perfect statement. She is scary, she is monstrous, but it is she that is the monster, not me.

I think I will make my statement one Halloween by making a scarecrow that resembles her and hang a sign that reads “This would scare anything”.

Am I making light of the abuse or the fact that a pastor is in dire moral straits?

No. I am doing what many people do with Halloween: Put on a monster mask, confront what you fear, celebrate it for a day and then, move on.

Till next year. Maybe I’ll dress up as the witch she always accused me of being. After all, I know the hat fits and I’ll wear it.

On the other hand, is she brave enough to wear her hat?

Happiness is a Journey

2010-09-25T18:03:00.000-07:00

This account is from a dear family member who also attended the abusive church:

I must say, this is a very difficult situation for me because I still have family that I love dearly, still in this compound. My mother and sister are still held captive there by a force that they can not even see for themselves. They will read this and will be very upset with me, and I am sure that they will make sure it gets back to me that they are not by any means being held captive or feel they have to stay, but the truth is, I have been there and I know that there are times they feel insecure about the environment in which they exist, we all did at some point and time, but because of the deep-set mind control, you ignore those feelings and continue your mere existence in the world that has been “created” for you. So, mom and sis, I do this because I love you!

I was one of the so called “fortunate” ones that got to actually live with the pastor. This was a very weird time for me, and thankfully I have been able to block most of these memories. I knew things that would make your hair stand on all ends, from evil plots to intimidate and destroy families and individuals, to stalking members at work, home or family vacations or one day trips, to embezzling monies from the tithes and offerings as well as family savings, to tapping phones lines, and the list goes on and on. I guess the most traumatic thing for me in leaving was my children, then 10 and 7, they were the reason I lived! And the “leader” knew it and she would use this against me. It was em
bedded in me that if I dare left the flock, my children would be lost and their souls would burn in hell for eternity. My kids were very close to their grandmother and aunts there, and I knew that if we left they would be cut off, sure enough, to this day, they still have nothing to do with them, yes they occasionally receive a birthday card, Christmas card, etc…or maybe a dinner night out once a year, but wait did I mention, that was only if they “the church” wanted to pump them for information about those of us that had left. I still struggle to believe that my mom truly realizes what she is doing and has missed some of the most important years of their lives; they are now 18 and 15.

I was the back up piano player for church since I was about 15 until a couple of years before we left, she FORCED me to play on a regular basic, all the while, criticizing me, that I was not following the lead of God, or wait, I think she meant “her lead”, whatever! I would go home at night and cry for hours because of the mental torture, throw up, and get myself back in check for the next service, just to go through it again and again and again! My kids were in 4th and 1st grade when we left. We tried to leave in good graces, wrote a letter to the “pastor” asking that our kids be allowed to remain there for just the remainder of that year and that we were not angry with anyone, but we felt that in order for us to grow spiritually, we needed a change. That weekend, two trustees from that place, showed up at our front door, with our kids personal belongings in a black garbage bag, and we were told “May God have mercy on your souls.” Needless to say, I was absolutely petrified leaving, my kids were sure to be struck by lightning and killed by nightfall. Going from school to school, trying to find a place I felt secure with for my kids was another story in itself. Every Pastor I came upon would stop and pray for me, telling me they could see the hurt and pain in my eyes, and would lovingly try to express to me that God was a caring and loving God, not a malicious, murderous being. It took months for me to even begin to lighten up and realize I didn’t even know God! All those years, 25+, I had been serving a person, the “pastor”. I slaved for her, cleaning buildings at all hours of the night while holding down a full time job; when I prayed, I was praying in an unconscious manner, because I knew if I didn’t pray through as she thought I should, she would be down on me, criticize me, mock me, ostracize me, so I prayed in a fashion that would be pleasing for her. I played the piano, not for the Glory of God, but that I might please her, I studied the Bible, testified, not for the Glory of God, but that I might please her in all I say and do! As sick as this may sound, it is the truth!

I was not able to even have my own family over without her (the pastor) permission. She would decide for us when we could go out for dinner, family vacations, have birthday parties for my kids, or have someone over for dinner, if we did not get her permission and she found out, we would be lashed out upon from the pulpit. Many times, she would buy us things when she knew she had gone too far, which would put us back in that “feeling obligated” mode. We did not have much, money wise, and at times we could not tithe like we should, plus knowing what happened to the tithes, didn’t help matters either, but during a very hard time when we couldn’t tithe like normal, she told me to my face, I had no right to pray or ask God for anything!

One service, out of the clear blue, she accused me and another member of the band, of lustful feelings for each other, right from the pulpit, and had me move my seat to the other end of the room. My jaw dropped to the floor, I turned 20 shades of red, I had no idea that was coming! Later, a few years ago, I finally found out what that was all about, it was because we were having a picnic, a 4th of July holiday at the church, I had started blowing up a slide for the kids to play on, and because this other member came over and offered to help, and DID NOT WIPE OFF THE MOUTH PIECE AFTER ME, that we had a fling going on! Do you see how warp and demented this is! And this is just my story.

I could go on and on and tell you of things that would just floor you, but I have to stop somewhere, so here is where I will stop. Since we have left about 9 years ago, we are doing wonderful and we thank God everyday that we finally saw the light and our kids did not have to be raised in that environment. I pray that my family left there, will one day come to an understanding too that will allow them to see it for what it really is.

By Happiness is a Journey

photo by Silver_and _Gold in photobucket

My Story: Can't You See I'm Dying?

2010-09-21T20:18:00.000-07:00

To start the beginning of the end of the blog I am re-posting the personal accounts of life in an abusive Dade City church.

This is my story:

I was part of a Tampa/Dade City church for twenty-four years. If I sat at this computer for a year and typed continuously, I couldn't begin to record the horror perpetrated on me and those I love.

At the same time, I have experienced God's amazing deliverance from destructive cult and the amazing concern from those who walked with me as I left behind a spiritually-abusive hell.

My history begins with my parents attending the church when I was pre-school age.

The pastor at the time tried to 'sever ties' with the movement called the 'Body'; being a young child, I didn't understand what this meant.

There was a woman in the church who was the 'youth-pastor'. I understand this was very 'unusual' for this organization of churches as women were generally repressed and thought brainless.

I was too young at the time to attend the 'youth' meetings (THANK GOD!!!)

However, the congregation would hear at the Saturday night meetings how 'amazing' the meetings were- they were so 'Spirit'-packed they would last until four in the morning! Oh, holiness was reigning!!

What they mostly consisted of was the 'youth' minister or her 'favored' young people sensing demons in the other young people and then hours of 'casting' said demons 'out'.

It is my belief that the Salem witch trials got a great revival in Tampa in the 'West' wing of the church. Had execution been permissible, these 'zealous' 'Christians' would have obliged the world in wiping out a few more heretics!

When I came out of the church, I heard from the 'young' people who had also left that the senior pastor had repeatedly warned this 'youth' minister that she was not to keep the youth over an hour. So, she told the young people that they would keep the length of the meetings a secret between themselves.

BIG RED FLAG HERE! Anytime someone wants seemingly 'normal' things kept from those in authority (i.e. when and where meetings occur, length of meetings, who was there, etc.) please do yourself a favor and spread the word- there is danger somewhere.

Time elapsed, and the senior pastor found out that he was dying of cancer. He elected a young man to take the church- believing he was circumventing this woman 'youth' minister from taking power.

There are events and happenings, layers of story that would take me days and hours to recount. If I have the time, I will come back to this part of the story in the second section.
Suffice to say, the woman took control of the church.

Almost twenty years later, the pure hell of this event still affects people's lives.
She was pastor of the church and principal of the 'church' school that now resided in Dade City, Florida.

One of the most debilitating things that stand out in my mind was when I was thirteen.

The school had a very stringent 'six-inch' rule between the sexes- of course I see the wisdom in this, but in this abusive environment the interpretation of this rule actually was:

THOU SHALT NOT EVEN LOOK AT THE OPPOSITE SEX, YOU LUSTFUL, CRAVEN CREATURE!

NO SITTING AT THE SAME LUNCH TABLE WITH MEMBERS OF THE MALE SEX!

IF THOU TALK WITH MEMBERS OF SAID OPPOSITE SEX, MONITORS AND SUPERVISORS WILL SIT IN THE OFFICE AND WHISPER TO EACH OTHER WHILE GIVING THOU EVIL GLARES.

And you can be sure the principal will be called and told what a sex-maniac you are.

A group of the girls were playing a clapping game called "Miss Mary Mack". The game consisted of children standing in a circle and taking turns clapping each other's hands in fast succession while reciting a rhyme.

(As you can tell, obviously someone pulled this game straight out of the kinkiest dating sex secrets section from Playboy)

We (the girls) were a few people short to form a circle. I called to one the boys and ask him to come help us making the circle (where my brain was I'll never know- I should have known by then what happened to those who touched boys)
I was reported to the principal.

She came to my house at 10:00 that night and told my parents that they had to come to the school for a conference.

In the office, she called me a 'female dog in heat' (a bitch) lusting after the boys and leading them into sin. She said she could see the lust demons coming out of my eyes and that I needed to be whipped to save my soul.

She took my dad's belt and whipped me, telling me to pray at the same time that God would save me from my lust.
I could hardly hold my head up for days.

And in such a manner, life carried on.

Anytime she came into the school, I would cower in my 'cubicle', pretending to be busy, so I didn't have to talk to her.
Usually this just got me in trouble: I obviously had something to 'hide'.

In 1996, a boy shot himself after having been yelled at by her.
I heard that there was a suicide note- but it was destroyed before the police could find it.

She told the church that it was "God's will" that this young man ended his life- obviously, God had "arranged' it to happen because he (the young man) would have defected from the church and "God saved him from this fate".

As I sit here and write this I can hardly keep from screaming. To blame this tragedy on a loving, caring Creator makes me hope she burns in hell for eternity.
There, I finally said it. My prayer is that God has mercy on her as He had on me; and in His mercy which is equally justice I hope that she finds out what the Scripture means about it being better to tie a millstone about one's self than to offend a little one.

I have heard from many other people, some of them still in their teens, that suicide was often the solution that seemed the easiest.

For about a year, it seemed the easiest solution to me, also.

There comes a place and time when you feel so 'dead' after all the yelling, lies, and rejection that it seems a good idea to just make it true.

If you are reading this and you feel that you would be at 'peace' if you could 'end' it all- PLEASE DON'T! THERE IS HOPE! Talk to a councilor, a real pastor, family member, somebody, anybody!
You are loved by God! You are a special creation- this world needs you in it- so, please, GET HELP! YOU ARE WORTH IT!

When my family of ex-church members get together and talk over all our experiences, we all agree on one thing: Thank God there wasn’t sexual abuse.
As I read back through all the accounts of sufferers, I mourn for those who were victimized that way. May God grant them justice and peace.

Today I opened the Bible I had used in the Dade City church days- in it were some ‘sermon’ notes I had scribbled during services.

As I sat by one of the ‘favored’ people, I had to pretend to scribble vigorously every fascinating, ‘God-inspired’ word out of her mouth, or be ratted on, then yelled at, etc.
One of the things I managed to scribble in between the words of "Worldly, Worldly thoughts and desires!" was this: "It will be a cold day in Hell before I testify again!"

I actually was able to laugh about it- thank God the absurdity of the situation overrode the pain!
I had been accused of being prideful because of quoting Lucado.

She had become so twisted that in the week before I left, she told the church that there was no need of reading the Bible, everyone just needed to listen to, and I quote, "The Word of God over the pulpit".

There was also the times when God would "reveal" things about different members divinely to her.

The actual trick to it all wasn’t all that mystical: she had her home and the church phone tapped.
I found out because I heard two of the young women (who lived at her house) talking together about how you should be careful about what you said on the church phone. Another friend found a tape in the church storage room in which the pastor ranted and gossiped on the phone about different members of the church.

I have also heard that different members of the church were sent to spy on each other to see if anyone had a TV hidden in their house. Only the pastor was allowed to have one- the flock didn’t have enough moral control to be responsible viewers!

And then there were the services where the "Dreams" were revealed!
She would have dreams about different members- in which ‘God’ revealed the member’s heart to her.

My heart was full of leprosy- because I was of the --- family.
I knew I was in for a bad time when she would glare at me from her seat behind the pulpit. She would stare at you in the most hateful way, all the while moving her lips. You knew she was ‘praying out’ the evil spirits that had taken residence in your soul.

And there were also the prayer meetings in which she asked God to bring an 'end' to those who had defected from the church.
I don't know what it sounds like to you, but to my understanding, she was asking God to kill them because they had the gall to disagree with her.

And then there was the evil sexuality of the flock!

As much as the woman thought about sex, she should have owned an adult store- maybe she could have put all that thought time to use.

I remember one time a family member and myself were being berated in her office for talking to a ‘rebellious’ church member. In the middle of her tirade, she brought up the fact that one of her ‘favored’ members could no longer have sex with his wife because of medicine- induced impotency.

I could never figure out what his impotency and talking to rebellious church members had to do with each other- like I even cared about someone else’s sex life. It was none of my business, and more importantly, none of hers.

She accused everybody of lust, heterosexual and homosexual.

If all her accusations were true, that church was the biggest group of lustful, wife-swapping, incestuous pedophiles under one roof.

During song service, she would walk up to different young people and say she saw ‘lust demons’ coming out of their eyes. Therefore, the poor humiliated people had to be ‘prayed’ through the clutch of their evil and there had better be some ‘coughing up’ of some demons into napkins if you ever wanted to get out of church that night.

As she was morally responsible for all these young lives, it was up to her to pick the young people’s mates for them. And you better take her choice and be grateful for it!

Thank God the young man she ‘picked’ for me fought her decision. There were never two more incompatible people on the face of this earth- we would have divorced in a year.

Young people were discouraged from pursuing college- Christ was coming back in the next year or the year after that and there just wasn’t time for a degree!

What there was time for was cleaning her five, six, seven, or even more buildings, all the while maintaining a regular forty hour job.

I remember at one time when she had seven offices that had to be cleaned bi-weekly. These buildings were up to forty miles apart and had to be cleaned in the same day.

To my knowledge, no one was ever paid a regular salary for doing this work.
Oh, and did I mention that she would ‘help-out’ only about ten times a year?

I would love to send her a bill for fifteen years of hard work.

Actually, I would love to see her have to do backbreaking work for someone else at no pay.
Let me not forget those poor souls who did ‘God’s work’ in the church-school. I really don’t know how it (the school) is still up and running. There are so many rules and laws being broken that surely some state or federal office is aware of it somewhere.

What makes me most infuriated, however, is the mental and emotional torture the older students are put through.

I’m not talking about church member older students, but rather NON-member students.

I have heard of two girls (thirteen and fifteen) who were pulled into the office and told to stop their lesbian activities.

Another boy was taken aside during a competition trip and asked point blank if he and another male student had had sex because the door was partially closed between their room and the supervisor’s room.

Two brothers were also made to change rooms because they supposedly were also engaging in bedroom activities.

I could go on and on, for a decade, and not tell every nasty, horrific thing that happened.
Since that is not my purpose in recounting all these incidents, I won’t try.

My purpose is to speak the truth, for as the Bible says, "You shall know the truth and the truth shall set you free".

That is my hope- that all members of this Dade City church or any other spiritually abusive church will be free of the lies and horrors that have been perpetrated on them, or that they have perpetrated on others.
As a family member of mine put it, "No one walks away from a situation like that without guilt. We all came away from the church with cookie crumbs on our faces’".

If you are a member of a controlling church reading this, know that there is God and life away from the cult you are trapped in.

There are arms of forgiveness waiting to help you down the path of freedom and into the arms of the true God- not the god that a crazed narcissistic woman has dreamed up.
Find help!

Yes, there is life after that church.
I hope there will be justice, also.

As it says in Amos 5:24, "But let justice roll down like waters
And righteousness like an ever-flowing stream".
God knows and he cares.

As I and others have said before:
"There is life after a controlling church."

I was very, incredibly blest in that I had a group of family and friends waiting for me when I came out of the church.

I also had the help of a wonderful psychiatrist.

He talked to my whole family for over three hours.

As we told him as much of our story as we could in the space of three hours, he told us that, based on our information, the pastor most likely has an Antisocial Personality Disorder. As I read over the many testimonies on this site, I began to wonder if that was a disorder in many of the other leaders.

Or was it just that, as in many cults, the congregation took on the cult leader’s personality.

As I read over the symptoms of antisocial behavioral characteristics, it was as if I was reading about most of the church: i.e.

1. Refuses to meld to accepted common social behaviors- total disregard to what is "lawful" and "law-abiding". (Everything the pastor says is "right" and "God’s Word". Church members have lied, cheated, renounced family because it was "God’s will".

2. No remorse when others are injured by one’s actions. (It was ‘God’s will’ that a young man committed suicide.)

3. Repeated lying perfected methods of deceitfulness. (The pastor would take other people’s stories and make them her own. When confronting my family member about a letter their ‘defected’ sibling sent them, she lied and said "God had revealed it to her in a dream". He hadn’t- I had told her of it the day before.

As I mentioned before, the congregation is eerily ‘taking on’ these behaviors- they have become their own twisted version of this pastor.

As I am on my journey of healing and learning to live anew, I find myself looking back over the progress of seven months.

When I first left the cult, I was not emotionally healthy. In fact, I was an absolute wreck mentally, emotionally, and most likely physically as well.

I would have panic attacks in the new wonderful church I was attending.

I had thought that if I could just leave, just get away from the horrific situation- all would well all at once.

Now, don’t misunderstand me- I was immediately relieved from the abuse.

When the abuse left, however, a healing process had to take its place.

A healing process that included a rage I hadn’t thought I was capable of, as well as mourning for the ‘lost’ years of exclusively doing a human’s will, not God’s.

I believe, and will continue to put my trust in Romans 8:28- "…All things work together for GOOD to those who love HIM…"

He promises ALL THINGS- all the rejection, rage, hurt… and the list goes on forever.

When I look back on twenty-four years of mental torture, I think of pain and rejection. As I look back farther and deeper, however, I also think of a few miraculous facts:

1. I have no family at all left in that cult.

2. God always, always let me know somehow, someway that He loved me.

3. There was always someone there when I needed them most. There are two I remember with all the gratitude in my heart: Scott, who, as I cleaned the business he worked at, would tell me how special and beautiful I was. After living in the desert of total rejection all week-and then to come in to see someone smile at you and mean it, and give you a brotherly hug when you looked down- it was like an amazing rainstorm of hope and joy drenching your soul. I hope that somewhere, somehow, Scott will know that he helped keep a despairing soul from ending it all.

God bless you, Scott.

Then there was Randy, who while on active duty in Iraq, e-mailed me hope and strong encouragement, till I had the strength to leave the terror behind.

You are the brother of my soul, Randy. If God were to bless you a third of what you blessed me, the world could not contain it. You were the hands of Christ to my life.

Behold what God has done! It is marvelous to my eyes!"

The Journey From The Cult

2010-09-19T15:28:00.000-07:00

The Road goes ever on and on
Down from the door where it began.
Now far ahead the Road has gone,
And I must follow, if I can,
Pursuing it with eager feet,
Until it joins some larger way
Where many paths and errands meet.
And whither then? I cannot say.

Still round the corner there may wait
A new road or a secret gate,
And though I oft have passed them by,
A day will come at last when I
Shall take the hidden paths that run
West of the Moon, East of the Sun.
~J.R.R. Tolkien~

I copied this verse as a "thank you" for the dear friend who woke me up to the fact I was in a cult.

'Escaping' the cult is just the step out of the door. A great journey yet lies ahead. Some of it is discovering the outright lies that were told (in a church setting), how nice those "worldly" people are, and the fact that your eyelids do not fall off if apply mascara to them...hee!

"The Cult Next Door" has been a way for me to take that journey. I have made amazing friends such as Hillary McFarland, Shari Howerton, Lewis Wells, Provender, Meg and Burnie, and Eric Pazdziora. I discovered refreshing blogs such as Elizabeth Esther and Jumpers to Jeans. Most of all, I got the toxic out by writing about it. It helped to write that spiritual abuse made me feel like a Frankenstein. Spiritual abuse was like being hazed, having terrible invisible wounds.

I finally feel like I have written almost everything I have needed to say. Technically not much has changed in my circumstances...the cult pastor is still out and about in Dade City. I would be very shocked if she has changed any of her reprehensible ways. She most likely figured out a way to gloss them over a little bit better, make them a bit less obvious. But I'm sure she's still taking poor deceived folks hard-earned money and telling them that if they dare leave the church (and especially her) behind they will burn in hell. She's probably still praying that the folks who speak the truth of her deeds will die...that's just the nature of her insanity.

Like the wicked witch she just can't help terrorizing the west my pretties.

It would be nice if she get really and truly SAVED!!! If it can happen to the Saul-before-he-was-Apostle-Paul it can definitely happen to her.

The thing is, it won't eat at me if it doesn't happen. I still hurt for a dear friend trapped in the middle of it all.
But I can't save her- I finally "got" that. God can though...I won't stop praying for her.

So...the point of this post: I guess it's time for "TCND" to start winding down. I will leave the pages up and post ever so often. It's just time for me to move on down the path.

The last post for a while will be on October 31, 2010. Fitting to me 'cuz to me spiritual abuse dresses up to hide its true ugliness.

In the interim I have several last posts and would love to hear from readers with their stories!

I wish I could have a HUGE party with all you amazing survivors...as time and space limits an actual one...any suggestions on some interactive "stuff" on the blog? E-mail your ideas to me: toxicsheepnomore@yahoo.com

So for all of us still following the road some quotes:

Be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves like locked rooms and like books that are written in a very foreign tongue. Do not now seek the answers, which cannot be given you because you would not be able to live them. And the point is, to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps you will find them gradually, without noticing it, and live along some distant day into the answer. ~Rainer Maria Rilke, Letters to a Young Poet

It is good to feel lost... because it proves you have a navigational sense of where "Home" is. You know that a place that feels like being found exists. And maybe your current location isn't that place but, Hallelujah, that unsettled, uneasy feeling of lost-ness just brought you closer to it. ~Erika Harris, lifeblazing.com

image by beth_harrison in photobucket

David Crowder*Band - Oh Happiness Live - Summer 2010

2010-09-16T18:54:00.000-07:00

A Friday dedication for all my bloggy friends...Have an awesome day!

Good Reading On Lukewarm, Grace, Hazing, and The Desperately Wicked Heart

2010-09-11T19:58:00.000-07:00

Articles and blogs definitely worth the perusal time.

How My Mother's Fanatical Views Tore Us Apart

by Rebecca Walker

Heartbreaking article detailing the emotional damage when a parent is fanatically dedicated to a movement

Grace With A Floppy Face

by Hillary McFarland

The overwhelming burden of perfectionism

The Myth of the Lukewarm Christian

by Eric Pazdziora

This post resonated deeply with me as the leader of the cult I was in ranted regularly on this topic...it was a "one-size-shame-for-all" sermon when she wasn't getting enough parishioner's money, time or adulation.

Don't Trust Your Desperately Wicked Heart and Other Fundamentalist Myths

by Elizabeth Esther

The title says it all...

Looking Back-Looking Forward

by Tales From the Crypt (Meg and Burnie)

Leaving a cult can feel like being mowed over by a semi-truck...

Spiritual Hazing: The Fraternity Tactics of Controlling Church Leaders

by the Cult Next Door

Re-read my post about the hazing-like tactics used by the cult leader of the Dade City church.

Guest Post: The Galatian Road Out of Legalism by Eric Pazdziora

2010-08-24T17:43:00.000-07:00

I am so honored to have Eric Pazdziora as a guest blogger on The Cult Next Door.

Eric writes definitively about legalism and spiritual abuse.

Without further ado, Eric's post:

Legalism. It’s one of those nasty words that everybody points to as an example of religion gone wrong. Everybody knows that you shouldn’t be a legalist. Everybody knows that legalism is unbiblical. Everybody would be affronted if you called them a legalist.
Unfortunately, “everybody” by definition includes all the legalists. All the most legalistic people I’ve ever known assure me that they’re not legalists, and that legalism is wrong, and that they know they’re not saved by works, and that you must misunderstand them if you think they’re legalists.

So who are the legalists, then? The bogeymen? Anyone whose view of religion is more than 5% stricter than the person talking? Those are lousy definitions. We need something better. If legalism is so bad, and most of the people who practice it are not even aware of it, how can we avoid it? How can we diagnose ourselves to see whether we’re legalists? How can we be free if we are?

I’ve got an idea. Perhaps you’ve heard of the Roman Road. It’s a list of verses, popular in Bible-believing™ circles, that succinctly describes the Gospel message as found in Paul’s epistle to the Romans. If you can get past the kitschy name and the fact that it’s a bunch of verses taken out of context, and if you are willing to read the whole epistle to find Paul’s more in-depth explorations of the themes, it’s actually a pretty handy summary. It saves you having to read the whole epistle aloud, for one thing.

What the epistle to the Romans is to salvation by grace, the epistle to the Galatians is to freedom from legalism. I still remember the first time I read it and got the full impact of what Paul was saying. Galatians taught me three things: Legalism is not what God wants, I can be totally free from legalism, and oh yeah, up until now I was a legalist myself and didn’t even know it. This changed everything.

Writing about everything I saw that day and afterward in Galatians—the devastating logic, the exposition of Scripture, the grace and the peace, even a bad pun or two—would fill a book. But perhaps I can show you some of the paving stones along the Galatian Road. I hear Gaul is lovely this time of year.

Background

Before we start, I should probably clarify terms. My attempt at defining “legalism,” based on what I used to think and what Galatians describes, is a simple formula: “To follow God, you have to do X, because that’s in God’s Law. Otherwise, you won’t be righteous.”

It doesn’t make much difference what X is. It could be something healthy like abstaining from alcohol, tobacco, or meat. It could be something bizarre like self-flagellation, snake-handling, or picketing funerals. It could even be something pious like prayer, fasting, and daily quiet times with the Bible. Whatever value X takes—and it’s been given hundreds throughout religious history—it centers your relationship with God on a law that you need to keep. (Hence the name legalism, obviously enough.) It’s not just for salvation but for the rest of your spiritual life.

For some teachers in the first-century church, “X” in the legalism formula was circumcision. (I’ll wait while the male readers fidget and cross their legs.) A certain group of Jewish self-styled prophets taught that if you wanted to follow Jesus, you had to receive the sign of the Hebrew covenant—to wit, snippity-doo-dah—since it was in the Law.

It is in the Law of Moses, sure enough. But when Paul—himself a converted Jewish rabbi—heard that the teachers were teaching that to the church he’d planted in Galatia, he was verklempt and, to kvetch, he wrote the letter we have today.

Here are ten of my favorite lines. In order, they show the symptoms of legalism, its death, and the way out of it.

1. For am I now seeking the favor of men, or of God? Or am I striving to please men? If I were still trying to please men, I would not be a bond-servant of Christ (Galatians 1:10).

Legalism goes hand in hand with Spiritual Abuse. So does authoritarianism. Spiritually abusive leaders try to get you to earn their favor. If you do the things they like, you win their approval. If you don’t, they manipulate or punish you until you do. (This is often because they believe God is the same way. He isn’t.)

But, as Jesus said, no one can serve two masters. Either you follow Christ, or you follow something else. If your primary concern in life is to make religious leaders happy, then your primary concern in life isn’t to make Jesus happy. Only one can come first. Man’s approval or God’s, but not both.

Paul couldn’t care less what the authoritarian religious leaders thought about him. To him, serving Christ meant one thing—preaching the message of salvation by God’s grace. Not a god who makes you earn His approval; a God who offers a way to be saved and to live apart from our works.

That message has never been particularly popular with religious leaders. But maybe their favor shouldn’t concern you. Maybe there’s a better way to find freedom and approval. Maybe somebody wants to love you unconditionally.
2. …By the works of the Law no flesh will be justified. (Galatians 2:16b)

As the saying goes, rules were made to be broken. The Law is fantastic for showing that we can’t keep the Law. Paul described this experience vividly in Romans 7—“I would not have known what coveting really was if the law had not said, ‘Do not covet.’” Put a name to it, and you see you’re doing it. See a “Keep off the grass” sign, and you want to walk on the lawn.

Then what? Does the Law make us able to live better? Does our willpower make us able to keep the Law? Does the Law make us able to love, to forgive, to know God? Does the Law help us do justly, love mercy, walk humbly? In a word, can the Law justify us?

Nope. The Law is just a list of rules. Even a list of rules from God can’t do any more than show you whether you’ve kept them. And you haven’t. For us to live the way God wants, we need something else—Someone else.
3. I have been crucified with Christ; and it is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me; and the life which I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave Himself up for me. (Galatians 2:20)

This paradoxical—even mystical—statement expresses the mystery not just of salvation, but of life in Christ.

Jesus, the Son of God, loves me. He gave up His life for me. He was crucified for my sins.

I live by faith in Christ. That means that I completely identify with Him.

That means I gave up my life.

That means I don’t have to worry about living a holy life anymore. I’m not the one who’s doing the living.

Think on that one for a bit.
4. This is the only thing I want to find out from you: did you receive the Spirit by the works of the Law, or by hearing with faith? Are you so foolish? Having begun by the Spirit, are you now being perfected by the flesh? (Galatians 3:2–3)

Even the strictest of legalists, at least ones familiar with Evangelical faith lingo, are quite clear on this point: Of course we’re not “saved by works”! We’re saved by faith! Paul knows this better than anyone, and here he treats it as a rhetorical question. Did you receive the Spirit by doing the works of the Law? Obviously not; the Holy Spirit is a gift of God to those who ask in faith (Luke 11:13, if you want it).

Does this suggest anything else? (Paul’s getting a bit testy by this point in the letter.) There’s a logical inference that legalism can keep you from seeing, but it’s really clear:

You were saved by faith, not by works. It was totally a work of God by the Spirit. It was not a work of your flesh, your strength, or your ability to keep the Law. All you did was give those up and trust in God. (This would be a great time to quote Ephesians 2:8–9.)
Since the beginning of your salvation depended totally on God, and had nothing whatever to do with works, what makes you think any other part of it has anything whatever to do with works?

Since you begin by trusting totally in God the Spirit, how can you think it makes sense to finish by trusting partly in You the Human?

Since you know you’re not saved by works, why do you think you have to live by works?
5. Even so Abraham BELIEVED GOD, AND IT WAS RECKONED TO HIM AS RIGHTEOUSNESS. (Galatians 3:6)

This begins a series of quotes from the Hebrew Bible that’s worth checking out in full. Paul makes a dazzling case that the Law itself says that the Law does not make you righteous. The nomos is antinomian. Legalism is illegal.

This particular quote comes from the Torah—Genesis 15:6—and it shows that, to God, Abraham was considered righteous simply because of faith. God made a promise to Abraham; Abraham believed God. As far as God was concerned, that made Abraham a righteous man. For Abraham, righteousness was a matter of faith, not works.

As Paul points out, Abraham came 430 years before Moses. Moses’ deliverance was part of God’s promise to Abraham, not the other way around. The Law of Moses was added to the mix because Abraham’s descendents didn’t see their need to have faith. If you could get righteousness and life through the Law, there would be no need for God to have promised righteousness and life through faith.

At least, that’s what the Law of Moses says.
6. Therefore the Law has become our tutor to lead us to Christ, so that we may be justified by faith. But now that faith has come, we are no longer under a tutor. (Galatians 3:24–25)

So is the Law useless? Of course not. As mentioned, the Law shows us that we break it. Therefore we’re not good enough to be righteous on our own. Therefore we need Someone else to make us righteous.

The Law takes us to the point where, as C. S. Lewis described it, we “throw up the sponge.” We realize by experience that, however hard and diligently and passionately we try, there’s no way in the world we can do what the Law requires us to do. We can’t do it. We’re not good enough. We may as well give up.

Since we can’t do it by the Law, we have to trust in God’s grace. That doesn’t mean the Law is insufficient; that’s the lesson the Law was meant to teach us in the first place. Once we learn that lesson, we’ve gotten everything the Law has to teach us. Once you get your education, you don’t need a tutor.

The word “justified” (which has come up before) could be described as the inverse of forgiveness. Forgiveness says, “Your sins are taken away.” Justification says “You are righteous.” It’s not just a pardon but a change of nature. Just as with Abraham, God sees that you trust in Him, and He considers you not just forgiven but righteous.
7. Therefore you are no longer a slave, but a son; and if a son, then an heir through God. (Galatians 4:7)
Living under the Law is like slavery. By offering us salvation through faith, Jesus sets us free.

God doesn’t just take us out of slavery. He adopts us as sons and daughters. We don’t just have a Savior; we have a Father.

That means we are unconditionally and eternally loved. It means we have an inheritance of life. It means God loves us as much as He loves Jesus. Our life is no longer about avoiding sin; our life is about living in the fatherhood of God.
8. It was for freedom that Christ set us free; therefore keep standing firm and do not be subject again to a yoke of slavery. (Galatians 5:1)

Why did Jesus set us free?

Easy: so that we would be free!

Well then, it would be a bit pointless for you to go back and live like a slave. A slave to legalism. A slave to authoritarian leaders. A slave to guilt. A slave to addiction. A slave to fear, to shame, to rules, to self-righteousness, to judgmentalism, to self-pity, to pride, to self-loathing, to body image, to self-abasement, to asceticism, to approval….

So many things want to put you in a yoke.

Legalism is just another slave-driver.

That’s not for you. You’re free.

Stand firm. Be free.
9. But I say, walk by the Spirit, and you will not carry out the desire of the flesh. (Galatians 5:16)

Legalists make a big deal about sin and the flesh. All the rules are in place so we can (theoretically) keep from sinning and succumbing to our sinful tendencies. Legalists often go so far as to teach against grace; they say things like “Some people say you can do anything you want to,” or “If you let them, people will walk all over God’s grace,” or other veiled threats of falling into sin if you abandon the slavery to rules.

Nobody’s saying grace means we should go off and live in sin, though you can find a full refutation in Romans 6 if you like. As we’ve seen, the rules of legalism can’t keep us from sinning anyway. In fact, legalism itself is just as much slavery to the flesh as licentiousness is. Legalism says you can depend on your flesh—your own willpower and effort—to keep from sinning in your flesh. Good luck with that.

This is the irony of grace. The rules against sin can’t keep us from sinning. By abandoning the rules against sin, we learn to trust in the Spirit of God—who can keep us from sinning. Once you stop trying to do it yourself, you can trust in the One who can do it for you. Once you stop trying to do what God wants, you become able to do what God wants.

That’s why it’s called “the fruit of the Spirit,” not “the result of being good.”
10. But may it never be that I would boast, except in the cross of our Lord Jesus Christ, through which the world has been crucified to me, and I to the world. (Galatians 6:14)

Here’s the summary of everything. Legalism—authoritarianism—spiritual abuse—keeping the Law—all of them are about pride. There’s a reason Paul correlates “not by works” with “so that no one can boast” in Ephesians 2. All of these are things that you think you can do to control yourself, or that people think they can do to control you. All of them are things you do to try to make you feel superior about yourself, or that other people do to try to make themselves feel superior about you.

Pride is a sin, so legalism is self-defeating.

The Cross is the symbol of humility, self-sacrifice, and love. It is the sign of death to sin, death to selfishness, and death to pride. It is the sign of death to the world, the flesh, and the devil. Jesus died because the Law wasn’t sufficient for us to be saved by or for us to live by. The Cross did what the Law couldn’t: it killed the sin of the world, and it killed the sin of me. We’re not just saved by the Cross; we live by the Cross.

I can’t be glad that I can keep the Law, because I can’t. But I can be glad that Jesus loved me and died for me so that I wouldn’t have to.

What’s the road out of legalism? It’s the One who said, “I am the Way.”

Thank you again, Eric!

photo by Dustinsane in photobucket